AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

So she has two sisters who have 8 children between them and she doesn’t have one. Poor thing.

If you can say something like this you will never know the total agony and hopelessness of infertility OP.

FGS don't say this to her.

You’re not coming across well with comments like this, sounds pretty tone deaf. I’m sure your sister loves her nieces and nephews. But they are in no way some kind of replacement for her own child. It’s a complicated set of emotions that’s hard to empathise with if you haven’t lived through it. Of course YANBU to be please about your new baby, but your sister is nbu to be working through her own emotions too. She might just need a bit of space and time.

"She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind. He never did."

He said he might want children, implying that he might not and, indeed, he didn't. The sister has to accept her own culpability here.

I suspect her feelings are as much about her own choices in staying with a man who didn't want them as about not having her own child. I mean I am well aware of the pain of not being able to have a child as my DH and I spent most of our 30s trying to do so and had several fertility treatments etc. There were some decisions we made along the way that didn't help, though we didn't appreciate that at the time; one in particular due to lack of information that the doctor could have given us. When I eventually accepted it would never happen, those decisions played on my mind a lot.

Ultimately we adopted two children and, despite the challenges, are very happy with the family we have.

However, my sibling had had 3 children by the time we adopted our first and subsequently had a 4th. I enjoyed seeing my nieces and nephews and never once expressed any resentment towards my sibling. It is possible. Your sister needs intensive therapy. Even if she somehow persuaded you not to have another child, how would that make her happier? It's a totally mean attitude that serves no one

It isn't a simple fact at all. The sister says she was manipulated by the bloke. It's the OP who said she made a choice.

This is very unhealthy behaviour and it definitely sounds like she needs counselling.

She shouldn't ever take this out on you or anyone else.

She hasn't struggled to have children. She's prioritised other things.

Even if you do struggle to have children you don't have to be jealous of others while you struggle. Plenty of women are unable to have children and don't react the way OP's sister has. Jealousy as a response is an outlook you can completely change.

I'm sorry you are getting it in the neck from some posters, @TheFunnyPoet . I think your sister's comments about you, your husband and her friends who are having kids are completely out of order. Of course she is hurting in these circumstances but she is expressing it in a very immature and unpleasant way. You sound like you have been beyond supportive if you have not risen to these remarks. Time to take a leaf out of your older sister's book and call her out on her communication style. You can stress that you appreciate how difficult it is for her emotionally but nothing justifies vulgar and nasty comments.

She had agency. She chose not to exercise it, over many years, despite knowing time was running out. Is that better?

I think probably a lack of planning. OP said she couldn’t help that they’d had twins, which is fair enough. But then they are still having a further child. But the rights and wrongs of this aren’t for this thread.

YANBU. She sounds incredibly self centered and possibly like she just looks for any reason to resent you and you have a dig. I think asking her to be Godmother would be a poor choice - for a start, she would probably find it insensitive but more importantly you do not want someone who is resentful of your child's very existence to be any more tightly connected to them than possible.

I strongly disagree with the comments about her hurt being understandable or reasonable. There is nothing inevitable about her feelings. She can help them. They are driven by jealousy and that's something you can completely reframe and change your approach to if you put the work in.

I would try to have as little to do with your sister as possible and if she raises the issue again tell her to grow up.

It’s not the same as having your own children. 🤷‍♀️

Why can't yiur ds have a child now?. My mum had my brother at 45yrs of age

OP, where you are wrong is in expecting your sister to react rationally to your pregnancy. The hurt she feels is probably impossible to comprehend for someone who has not struggled to have children. She knows she’s being irrational in saying you’re greedy, etc. And that will add to her hurt.

You can be sensitive about it by not speaking about your pregnancy in front of your sister. At all (unless she asks you). It’s a small thing for you and will make things more bearable for her.

I think you should just accept that your sister is a nasty bitch and distance yourself from her. I hope her friends find out what she’s like. No one needs someone like her in their life and near their children.

While your family planning is your business it's not for you to say what she should be happy about.

That is a very insensitive thing to say. I hope you aren’t saying it to your sister, or to anyone in the family who might repeat it.

The only thing I can think of that might bring you close to understanding how hurtful a comment it is is to say how would you feel if one of your children died and someone said “ But surely you can be happy to have the ones who are left?” It just doesn’t work like that, not having your own children and being desperate for them isn’t the same as having nieces and nephews. Just as the pain of losing a child isn’t compensated for by still having living children.

I am not wishing harm on any of your children btw.

OP, I ask again, is it just the marriage/baby situation in which she states/implies that things that haven't worked out for her are always someone else's fault or is it something you see in relation to other areas?

That' s not really "child free by choice"

You sound self centred. Can you not empathise at all with your sister?

This was my first thought.

She chose to stay with a man, who it seems pretty clear, wasn't planning on becoming a father.

She could have left him and had a child by donor on her own if she really wanted one. Plenty of women do.

It's not your responsibility to make her feel better about her decisions by restricting the number of children you have.

However, she isn't happy about it, so you need to accept that she probably won't want to be around you while you're pregnant or when you have a small baby, but you seem sensitive to that anyway.

But no, she doesn't have to be happy to have nieces and nephews.

I'm childfree and not by choice. I don't have a sister but if I did and she had lots of children I wouldn't expect her to change the way she felt about the pregnancy but I would probably distance myself from her. Absolutely no excuse for her to be rude or nasty to you but I do think it's completely understandable if there is some distance between you. For me even seeing women in the street with lots of children in tow is painful, it'd be so much worse if it were my own sister.