AIBU to struggle with my partner refusing a second child?

Any child you have is a person in their own right. They have a right to a life of their own, not to be brought into this world to alleviate your own anxieties about what might happen to your firstborn or that their purpose is to prevent your eldest being "alone". It's a grossly unfair burden to place on a child.

There are scores of adult only children who have built lives and families of their own. There are plenty people who don't speak to their siblings.

Children deserve to be wanted by BOTH parents. I think your energies would be best focused on building up support networks and existing family bonds than trying to strong arm your husband into a child he clearly doesn't want.

I have one child with autism and didn't feel able to have another. I had all the same worries that you have and beat myself up for way too long about not having another baby, especially when everyone else around me seemed to be having a second. But ultimately that stage passed, our lives moved on and DD is now 18 and thriving as we've been able to support her and be her biggest champion. It's such a personal decision but try not to compare your life to others as that's a slippery slope to nowhere. As for the future, well so much is out of our hands, even if we think we've made the 'perfect' choices. We can only do the best we can at the time and hope for the best.

I was lucky in that my DH and I were on the same page and we felt content with our one gorgeous kiddo but if you're wanting a child because you feel you should, rather than actually wanting one, then you should stop beating yourself up and enjoy the great kid you already have. If you want another for yourself, that's a different matter but don't base that feeling on what ifs. Wishing you peace either way.

Her youngest is only one or two and a girl so not obvious yet if she is ND too.

You really don't know, OP. The genetic odds are there. In my experience, often people with 5+ kids with varying levels of ND aren't aware of it until their children are late diagnosed. Because of the late diagnosis, it seems likely they were children with perceived less high needs. Children with less high needs don't necessarily become adults with less high needs, because the demands of adulthood are different.

Yet from going by the comments she isn't coping with the children she has already especially her autistic child. If you go by her videos so not sure it is a good idea for her to have another.

You seem to be saying that you don't want a disabled child - I can absolutely understand that but of course, it is a risk for any woman contemplating having a child.

He sounds level-headed.

But OP, that’s okay! Not all women feel that way. I’m exactly the same and I questioned for a long time if there was something wrong with me, I was never goo-goo-ga-ga about babies, really disliked the toddler stage, and honestly found the lack of sleep horrendous. I genuinely couldn’t understand why people went on to have more than one! We had, and still have, a great life with one child. You realise you can maintain your own life (and your sanity!), and because of that you’re less stressed and, in my opinion, a better mum. You’re allowed to feel differently, and you absolutely don’t have to do something just because everyone else does.
I’ve said it before and I genuinely stand by it - I think a lot of people have more children simply because it’s the ‘done thing’, and then end up struggling or miserable because they haven’t really considered whether it’s what they actually want. Your husband is doing the right thing by properly considering the reality of having another child rather than just assuming that’s what you’re supposed to do.

So he should say yes to a baby he doesn’t want; to make her happy? Thats massively unfair on thst child. Children should be 100% wanted by both parents.

If my partner cared about my happiness that little and gave it that little consideration, that would be a red flag for me.

And what about your partner's happiness or your son's happiness? Don't they count?

And it doesn't sound as if op's partner has given it little consideration - he has several well thought out reasons why having another child would not be a good idea for them.

Yeh we'll have to agree to disagree. I personally wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship where I needed counselling to overcome the grief of not having a child. If my partner cared about my happiness that little and gave it that little consideration, that would be a red flag for me. And I certainly wouldn't advise other women they should have to tolerate the same. Each to their own!

How do you think other people manage.
Loads of people are only children.

He could have a vasectomy true (although maybe more permanent than he likes) but abstinence is not a solution for somebody who wants a sex life.

With proper usage condoms are a fine form of contraception for many people.

What does your flowery statement even mean? It sounds like a very long winded, flowery way of saying if he doesn't do what I demand then how dare he expect to be in a relationship with me! And what is this "overall cultural consensus" that you are whining about? That people today don't always want kids or use their wives as broodmares? At the end of the day, it's a kid, not a hamster, they affect people's lives massively - what if you or the OP bullied your husbands into kids they didn't want and those kids have severe needs or disabilities? It takes two enthusiastic people to agree to have a kid whether you like it or not.

Please be accurate about what I said, it's not the wanting a child that's cruel and manipulative, it's the demonising of your partner and harassing him to have a child! You moan that men shouldn't say no but look at the threads that are always on mumsnet of women whose husbands have walked out leaving the mother with a baby to raise alone.....that's what happens when you don't listen to each others feelings on having a kid! If you want the high chance of being a single mother then go ahead and harass a guy to get you pregnant but don't complain if they walk away. They aren't going to cope with something that they have spelled out to you that they don't want in their lives!

This is a two yes or one no situation. Appreciate the blessing you already have. If you have an otherwise happy marriage change your attitude because you don't want your son to pick up on it and think he's not enough. You don't even know if you would conceive anyhow. Be happy with your life.

Your DHs reasons are all very valid and reasonable.

Why should your child be alone when you're gone? He may get married and have kids of his own.

I'm an only child and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest.

He won't be alone. I have one brother who I never see and one sister who I barely see, but I have loads of friends.

I'm with team DH since you had problems after the birth of your DC, he may be reluctant to go through that again as well as dealing with your DC who has special needs. Why don't you concentrate on helping your DC instead, you are bu.

My advice would be to accept that he doesn’t want a second child, or decide that having another child is important enough to you that you leave the relationship. What I absolutely wouldn’t do is have another child with someone who has made it clear they don’t want one.

My SIL had a second child after her husband had been very clear that he didn’t want any more children. She says the pregnancy was accidental, although I’ve always had my doubts about how accidental it really was. It caused huge problems in their marriage.

They’re still together and their youngest daughter is now six, but his relationship with her is noticeably different from the relationship he has with their eldest, who was very much planned and wanted by both of them. He provides for both girls equally, they’re included in the same holidays and family life, etc., but emotionally he simply isn’t as close to the younger one. It’s incredibly sad to see because obviously none of that is her fault.

I’m not saying every man would react like that, or even that most would, but I do think it shows the risk of deliberately having a child with someone who has already told you they don’t want that child.

And I also wouldn’t have another baby purely because you’re worried about your son being alone in the future. A sibling doesn’t guarantee a lifelong friend. I know plenty of adult siblings who barely speak or are completely no contact, so in practical terms they may as well be only children.

With an age gap of almost ten years, there’s also no guarantee they’d ever be particularly close anyway. They’d spend a lot of their childhoods and some adult life at completely different stages of life. I think another child needs to be wanted for themselves, rather than being brought into the family to provide a sibling for the child you already have.

I couldn't agree more about both parents wanting the child. My husband agreed reluctantly to our 3rd child and the results are bad, my son hates his dad as he never really wanted him

i agree in some ways- one is simply the mirror ultimatum of the other- so there is no obvious basis for saying which perspective should be prioritised - as is always the assumption on these types of threads (and there's always a gendered element too). What you have to work out together is would the pain of having another child for the partner be worse the pain of not having another child for the OP. If you are at an impasse where neither partner can live with the outcome without significant suffering , I would question whether there is compatibility there in terms of the relationship. What I see time and time again though, is men just making these decisions and not really considering what impact it has on their partner, while continuing to enjoy and benefit from the relationship, and the overall cultural consensus endorsing that as the rightful way of things, with no regard for the reproductive autonomy of women or the different roles and experiences men and women have with regard to reproduction.