AIBU to think my husband is taking the piss — and what would you do?
This is a long one, sorry, but I really need some outside perspective because I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m overreacting or whether I’ve just got so used to things that I’ve lost perspective.
We’ve been together all our adult years, married a long time, and have a family.
On paper we have a very comfortable life. My husband works extremely hard and provides very well financially. But he’s also away with work at least 50% of the time. Everything financially is essentially his — house, car, income etc — and I don’t currently have the kind of independent income that would allow me to just walk away as I have been at home from our first was born almost 22 years ago, he doesn’t want me to pursue work because it will get in the way of our trips away, which are getting less frequent now.
Our communication is absolutely shit. When he’s home he mostly keeps himself to himself, doesn’t really engage in conversation with me or the family. He is easily upset and I need to watch carefully what I discuss and my tone, he blames the pressures of the business and looses it when I confront him, threatens divorce and says its my fault because I wind him up..
He’s managed to ruin birthdays, holidays and family occasions over the years with his moods/behaviour. I feel like I’ve spent years smoothing things over and keeping the peace.
Our sex life is pretty limited, he is tired and goes to bed early - although when it happens it’s actually good. I’ve came to the conclusion that the only way I can get close to him is through sex.
He told me that a woman he encountered through work completely “blew him away.” She was wearing exactly what he searches for in porn sites..
He was curious enough about her afterwards to look her up online. Wondering if these were the types of clothes she wears all the time, as he had never seen the like of it before from a professional woman in her place of work.. He insists nothing has actually happened with anyone.
Then there’s porn. He watches it, which I know plenty of people do, but his explanation to me is that when he’s watching it he fantasises that the woman is me. Apparently.
For me, all of that combined has completely changed how I feel sexually towards him. I don’t want sexual advances from a man who has literally told me another woman blew him away and then went looking for her online, (which I only know about now because I accidentally stumbled across it, we had access to his phone looking for a confirmation email that he was aware off but this was open and caught my eye)- He said he searches people up all the time, and was surprised I didn’t do the same..???. I’m not saying married people never find anyone else attractive — obviously they do — but actually telling your wife that and then searching for the woman feels very different to me.
Rather than really acknowledging why I’m hurt, he now seems to be wondering how long I’m going to “keep this up”, as though eventually I should just get over it and go back to normal as this is what happens after every row.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
I’m not pretending our marriage was wonderful before this. It wasn’t. But we have history, family, financial security and a whole life together. I don’t particularly want to end up alone and blow my entire life apart. Equally, I have this increasingly strong feeling that I’m being taken for a complete mug.
I suppose what I’m asking is — AIBU?
Would you consider the local woman/porn stuff fairly normal and think I need to get over it, or would you also feel that something fundamental has gone in the marriage?
And where do I go from here?