AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

Dear lord what an overbearing old bat, she's the sort that makes me glad I never had a MIL.

Your DH is free to decline the invitation for any reason he chooses and it's refreshing to hear on MN that here's a DH not giving in to mummy because she's a selfish drama queen. He is putting family first, his family!

Your update about being equal NoK speaks volumes. I bet the other partners are very relieved that they don't have to go!!

What are your family's connections with France? Your brother's in particular?

Because my experience in the French part of my family is that these long meals are always full of family children, who are looked after by various members of the extended family, as they move between us, or sit in their own seats. It's a particularly nice aspect of French bourgeois family life, IMO. Children are part of formal occasions, and know how to sit up to the table & behave.

So banning DC from the meal is really not very French!

I thought in France children were welcome at most events. I wouldn't go, too much upheaval, taking leave, taking children out of school, baby sitters, travel and cost. Just say sorry too difficult in term time, we'll go for a meal to celebrate when we see you next.

It's not a wedding, it's a destination party. They've been married a year and a half. 🙄

Your kids aren't wanted at the dinner so no, why would you go to a destination party and take them out of school to do it?

Go yourself if you want but a destination party in another country doesn't really fit extraordinary circumstances.

If it was a wedding I would be "go, the children will all have fun together, and you will have opportunities yo see them for the other days away.

But its a party,it sounds complicated and expensive. I would be rethinking, are uou for long with other stuff planned? Etc...

Yup that’s a French wedding. And you often go back the next day at lunchtime for a more basic meal and have to do the washing up for that one.

Is your SIL french? It is not unusual at French weddings that children don't sit down with adults for the wedding dinner. It's boring as a hell for them, they're much better playing around. It's also super expensive (if the kids eat with adults then they pay the same price) and posh food most kids won't like (how do your kids feel about pigeon?).

For our wedding, we organised a kids dinner in a different location about an hour before the adults one, and we had a couple of babysitters for about 15 kids ranging 1 to 12 year old (our guests were welcome to get their own babysitter if they wanted, but none felt it was necessary). Over 15 were invited to the adults dinner. And of course babies and toddlers were often in the room.

But we also had a play room, and loads of entertainment for kids. Will your brother provide this? I would also question the babysitter thing, it would be normal to contribute to the cost but they need to sort it out themselves as it's difficult from abroad (particularly if you're looking for English speaking babysitters).
I don't think you need one for an 8 and 12 yo though, surely they can sort themselves out?
It's not like they forbidden to enter the room, they can come and see you whenever like if they need something.

If she’s French, I am presuming it’s the religious ceremony and will be the most important part of their marriage for her. It is very normal to split the two, more usual to have the 2 together, often on the same day. You traipse from the Town Hall to Church. In France, the church or any other religious establishment, cannot perform legal wedding ceremonies.

If this is the case, I am guessing that she wanted this part in her home country and had to save up for it, hence the delay. And in this case, it is not as everyone is saying a party. It’s what most French people consider the actual wedding.

I have been to several weddings in France. The church service, especially if the full catholic one, goes on for hours and includes communion for anyone wishing to take part. Then you go up and greet the couple in a line inside church. Be warned. Your kids will be bored by that alone.

As for the meal, I really cannot remember kids being split from their parents for this, so I don’t think that’s terribly normal. But maybe it is these days, the child free stuff has only surfaced in more recent years in the UK.

I think going alone seems the way to go tbh.

I’d have trouble sitting through a four hour meal to be honest! However, if children were not included the whole event I’d be declining the invitation.

Agree with this. If people want you to attend, they will organise something you can attend. If they aren’t bothered about you coming, they won’t.

My DH wanted his American cousins at our wedding. Did we invite them and not their 4yo and 6m old and suggest they leave their children at home or with a random English babysitter they didn’t know? Or did we invite the whole family to attend?

What? Have the reception a year and a half after the ceremony? And in a different country?

How often have you experienced that kind of split of party from wedding?

It’s because in a lot of countries you either can’t get legally married, or have to jump through a lot of legal hoops and fill out a lot of paperwork to do so. It’s “easier” to get married in the UK and then have a pretend wedding abroad.

I disagree with destination weddings in general unless one of the couple is from that country but went to my cousin’s in Croatia this year. An entirely random destination choice but it was at least a legal wedding rather than just a party.

I agree with this - what on earth is the point in hosting a second party a whole 18 months after the fact. The moment has well and truly gone. They are already married. There is nothing to celebrate - this is just them trying to force people to go on a holiday they might not have chosen and not bring their children. I wouldn’t be leaving DC with a random French babysitter either.

YANBU. An invitation to a childfree wedding abroad is not a real invitation.

We decline all "child-free" wedding invitations on principle and our DCs left home years ago!

You attended the "real" wedding. This is just a "jolly". I'd stay at home and save the money and the leave.

Nah. Decline. They are already married. This is just a very expensive fancy dinner.

Save your money and annual leave and don’t go. Your children are either invited to all of it or they’re not. They’re not props but people in their own right.

I have awful memories of one of these meals at a wedding in France, at least the bride was French though lived in the U.K., but there was dancing between courses, there was no real veggie option and it ended, finally, at about 2 in the morning. I could barely keep my eyes open never mind eat the profiterole extravaganza. Tiresome.

I wouldn't go. To be honest, I would find a four hour sit down lunch boring anyway.

I have been to a few child free second celebrations. In all cases loads of people pulled out at the last minute, usually for childcare related issues and the parties were quieter and flatter than the bridal couple expected.

are they french at all and doing it for extended family-its just a party really isnt it theyre already married

What's with these 'second weddings' that seem to be happening more often? Is it a new trend? Especially as a lot of them seem to be abroad.

I'd not sit through a 4 hour lunch either ..

It's not even the wedding. Just tell them you hope they have a fab time.

It’s not a wedding!
that has already taken place!
it’s a party!
it’s a party invitation that requires a sitter for children in France

I think most people are happy to leave their children for a day out with someone they know. They are just not happy to do it with someone they haven’t met or any idea of their child caring abilities. The carer might not even speak English well.
Most people wouldn’t take time out from the children’s education. It is not just one day.