AIBU to reconsider France wedding trip after finding children excluded?

Why can’t adults have a day planned without dc? It’s bliss!

Why are they so keen to inconvenience everyone? Dont go.

Doesn’t sound like much of a family celebration, more a jolly for the adults, just how are you meant to find reliable sitters? Unless you really want to go I wouldn’t bother at all, it’s not as if it’s the actual wedding.

I think this is super weird for kids 8 & 10. They dont need to be with mum & dad constantly, and would be bored at a long sit down dinner. Id just leave them with a sitter they'll have far more fun playing

I think I would struggle to sit through a 4 hour meal.

What on earth are they eating that takes 4 hours? Or do you mean that’s dancing etc too?

What time is it? If daytime I would happily leave the kids for 4 hours - it really isn’t that long to be separated and they are dodging a bullet sitting through a 4 hour meal. If it was sleeping/bedtime I wouldn’t leave my children with someone I don’t know. I wouldn’t feel comfortable them being asleep and a stranger in the room.

I would go but have one of the parents stay back if it was nighttime. If nothing else for them to do there I would go solo and leave kids and husband back home.

If you can make a bit of a holiday out of it I would take kids and just you go to wedding meal. Or they stay home and just you go

You go and leave husband at home with kids. Totally up to the bride and groom not to have kids there

Could your DHs family not look after them? I know PIL would happily have DS if we had a family event on my side to go to, they'd come and stay so he could still go to school

I personally wouldn't use exceptional leave just to attend a party abroad. What if you actually need it for a real reason later down the line?

I'd just decline, too much hassle trying to find a babysitter and missing school especially when it's not even their wedding.

But they already have a cost of going to France, and then having to pay for a sitter (not sure how easy it is to find someone reliable who potentially needs to speak English as well, not sure if OP and her kids speak French).

YANBU. I’m having a child-free wedding abroad (my own children will be on site with a nanny throughout) but I did give guests over a year notice and made a point of explaining that children are not invited on the save-the-dates so people wouldn’t start planning a family trip only to realise later that they couldn’t bring their children/would need their own babysitter. I think especially since it’s your brother he should have given you this detail up front, how else are you supposed to know who is invited and make your arrangements?! They’re entitled to their child free wedding, you’re entitled to make arrangements that suit your family. I know some of my close friends won’t end up coming to my wedding due to childcare arrangements. I knew that was a risk when I made these specific plans and that’s absolutely fine with me, I wouldn’t want them to do something that didn’t work for their family to attend my party.

It’s not a wedding. They are already married. I bet she said it was a wedding when she asked for the time though.

I'd swerve this one. They are already married.

Or go yourself if DH can get the children to and from school and get himself to work without it being a logistical nightmare.

Also in the “it’s not a wedding” camp.
I ACTUALLY got married in France. You can only do it legally in a mairie (town hall). Religious weddings are not legal. Weddings in any other location (e.g. outdoors) are not legal either. You can do them, but they have no legal weight. Definitely not worth pulling your kids out of school for. They are already married!!

I think it's cheeky to invite them, with the expense, and they aren't invited to the whole thing and then to add to it you have to pay for a babysitter.

@samarrange it depends really.
Ive always had the dcs at our table for family meals etc…
But weddings, quite a few times, the children were looked after by a baby sitter (incl babies less than 1yo) whilst parents were having a meal.

EDIT to add: I’m French too. I think how people do things can vary from one group t9 the next.

I wouldn't assume the wife is French. A French person would be much less likely to impose rules about children being present. But let's see if OP comes back.

With that said, I agree with you that OP will be dodging a bullet. This isn't "a wedding". It's a piss-up celebration event at some arbitrary time point after the wedding. To me, "exceptional circumstances" is a very close relative's funeral, not a multi-day trip to a jolly that they won't even enjoy very much.

Is that ceremony done in france because his partner is French?
because I would see my French side of the family doing that.

Otherwise, it’s your choice really.
i personally feel that at 8 and 10yo, it’s a bit too much. They certainly don’t need to be with you at all time.
But if it’s that much of a problem then don’t go

From their point of view they don't want children at the meal and have provided a solution. If you don't want to let a baby sitter look after your children or have someone look after them when you are both away (if possible) then you going seems to be the solution. Personally for my brother we'd probably all go - it's their official wedding reception even if it's not on the day of the wedding - but you have your own good reasons not to take them

Something tells me that the brother /his wife/someone involved may have found the post...? Or at least someone who doesn't have kids?

Don't go, children should be in school, and not being able to take part fully is another reason.

I'd say the same if they had told you upfront.

@diddl It’s a celebration party! They want a get together and it’s optional for invited guests. So saying no is ok. Parties are not dc friendly events really and dc would be fine with a babysitter. However modern parents are a bit odd! I used all sorts of babysitters I didn’t know at holiday clubs and hotels etc.

I think your brother and his wife are being very unreasonable, and that they could be a lot more proactive about managing the impact of having children at the meal.

I've spent quite a lot of time with (French) friends in France, and they are generally very child-friendly. Children (in my experience) have generally been included in big family dos and aren't expected to sit still for the duration of a very slow multi-course meal. When there was a wedding the bride & groom hired a babysitter to look after all the children (at the venue, so I could still have access to my daughter if she needed me, but in practice she was perfectly happy).

So, I agree, it doesn't seem reasonable, or sensible, to take them out of school for this.

It's not a wedding... They're already married.
I would not take the kids at all, if husband was happy to stay home with them. Why should they miss school for that?
Even if you chose not go alone, that's acceptable. You said yes when you thought it was a family event.