AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

wow! You and kids ( their grandkids) are not invited????
It’s a horrible rude behaviour. Your DH shouldn’t go and should tell them that this is the reason for not going, because it should be the reason.

To not invite your son's wife and DC because they're "not family" is outrageous.

This MiL has controlled and manipulated her family for years. Finally this son, OP'S DH, has stood up to her, so she is refusing to comply.

Good. About time.

It's crazy on all sides; crazy to exclude you & your DC so DH can "focus on family for once" and crazy for MIL to essentially telling DH 'I'm paying so show up for the family and be a dogsbody'. TTC or not, if MIL doesn't see her GC and the mother of those GC as family well then I'd put a serious distance between you & her.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. It's incredibly rude of them not to invite you and the children because you are "not family" (understandable for them not to offer to pay but not not to invite you)

Does your niece actually care? Or is it just the MIL?

I definitely wouldn't tell them about the TTC.

Crikey! Sounds like something from
“The Godfather” with MIL in the starring role.
Im old and naggy and I would be inclined to tell her to Foff, but ultimately it’s your Dogs decision.
i do agree that you absolutely cannot try and second guess the future with regard to TTC… To be honest, with a bossy old bat like this. I’d be thanking the Lord she doesn’t want me there!
I wouldn’t be wanting her when life returns to normal after “The Wedding”

If marrying into the family doesn't make you part of that family, then why are they celebrating this wedding at all?

Fuck them yanbu at all!!

I think he should be there and whilst it would be nice for them to pay for you all there must be a reason why they can’t. I would be deeply deeply hurt if one of my children didnt come to a siblings Childs wedding and I’m not sure I could accept it. Declining because you maybe could be pregnant or have a new baby seems rather premature. Deal with that if and when it happens.

So if it’s DH niece will the other parent of the niece not be invited? As they won’t be ‘family’ they’ll be a married in like you!!

Are none of the extended family invited?

I don’t think you can expect acceptance as MIL sounds slightly unhinged! Focus ‘on the family’ you are family! Part of DH’s and MIL’s!! She’s being absolutely ridiculous and I rarely get in on the no contact thing but after this I’d be limiting contact with them as they are showing how little they value you and your children as part of the family!!

This isn't the first 'family only' post I've seen recently. I wonder where people think family starts and ends.
He is putting his family first, his wife and children are his family too.

But he is focusing on the family. His family. His wife and children are his primary family and they should come first.

If he doesn’t want to go that’s fine but of course the chances of you having a newborn in June is not hugely likely and you’ll know in the next 2
months whether that’ll happen. I don’t see the issue in him being away when pregnant though.

I think if he doesn’t want to go then fine but I would only consider not going due to having baby if that actually happens (can he provisionally say yes and then pull out?)

Could he accept and go on his own but not for the full 5 days. On the face of it that would seem a reasonable compromise.

Wow, MIL sounds so controlling! And her family's vibe is toxic af.

You and your DC are not invited to niece's wedding so that DH can 'focus on the family'. Well, you and your DC are his primary family now, so none of you will be going as he will be focusing on you.

As for MiL saying that "all of the other wives and partners understand" - they're probably all relieved not to have to go, and be around her! Or they are all just conditioned to go along with her bullshit.

It sounds like your DH has gone along with years of her manipulating and controlling him and his siblings, but has finally decided to stand up to her. Hurrah! Long may it last...

Eta - of course they should accept with good grace DH declining, but they won't because the family dynamic has been MiL says 'jump' and everyone asks 'how high'?
Expect her to turn up the guilt tripping, and she will probably turn vitriolic towards you as she will blame you for her son not attending.
You will both need to stand firm, and I would suggest going very LC moving forward.

Maybe he doesn’t want to without his wife and kids who are not invited?

It's his niece of course he doesn't have to go if it doesn't suit him

He's allowed not to want to go for any reason whatsoever. Or even no reason at all. Your MIL is being unreasonable. Your DH is an adult and she has no right at all to tell him he 'must' do anything, from attending a wedding to mowing a lawn.

He has said no. She has to accept it.

Has that not driven you mad over the years? Why have you always done exactly what she wants? That’s mad. If this is the first time you’ve refused to comply, it’s no wonder she’s kicking off, but you are absolutely right. Two tier family indeed!

She told dh that he mustn’t pay for us to go as we are literally not invited!

If my mum told me that my DH wasn't invited to my nephew's wedding as he [DH] wasn't family I would be telling her that she had burned her boats with that comment. And including her grandchildren in that Not Family bracket..? She can do one! I wouldn't be engaging with her again.

No idea what the rest of the family members - including wives and children of DH's brothers - think about this as it sounds like OP hasn't heard anything directly from them, only her MIL's assurance that they are OK with it. I'm not sure I would believe that frankly.

If this exclusion is DH's niece's idea rather than MIL's, I'd be cutting her too. Amazing how some people carry on!

I too would go LC with the PILs. It’s unacceptable of them to treat you and your children as not even being part of the family, especially if they idolise their niece. I’d want to keep my children far away from this toxicity.

After this argument and how rude MIL is being, if you get pregnant and are due around the same time as the wedding they will think you did it on purpose and planned it to be exactly like that! The narrative will be you are stealing SIL / Nieces limelight.

He's right in saying no. What a weird family dynamic
Maybe if he finally stands up to them they will stop this behaviour going forwards.

This is 100% a valid reason not to go. DH should say quite bluntly that his roles as father and husband are his main priorities and although he values his roles as son/brither/uncle they are secondary and engineering situations to force him to choose will always result in him choosing his children and his wife. That's how it works. Their approval and consent is not required. They do not have the right or the power to make him leave you coping solo if you might be dealing with complications from pregnancy, nor do they have the right to know the personal information about you and your health that would explain the details to them, because they are not in control and their approval and consent is not required.