AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

They’re probably relieved to not have to spend any time with your mother in law.

But it’s lovely that your husband is standing with you. He’s a keeper!

All this seems to be coming from MIL . Has your DH heard anything about it from his sister or his niece ? I bet they would like as many as possible at a destination wedding . Has MIL just decided who she is willing to pay for .
The TTC is almost irrelevant. You shouldn't put your life on hold for something that might happen or not in the time you expect.

Omg you’ve hit the nail on the head!! How ridiculous to be celebrating a marriage in the family when others who have married in haven’t been invited!!
PS I’m not being sarcastic I read your post and had a real omg moment!! That’s so true!

In that case, the niece is on the second tier, and her wedding should not be a priority to DH.

I have this same view of family tbh. What she seems to fail to notice is that from your DHs perspective. His direct family are his wife and children. She is not your Hs priority anymore. Her grandchild is not your husband's priority, nor his direct family. The world does not, in fact, revolve around her.

To invite a husband and father to an event and specifically not invite his family then get pissed when he declines is absolute insanity.

So you would be deeply hurt if a sibling didn't come to your child's wedding - what if your sibling's child was getting married and you were invited but your partner and children weren't? That's the situation here - it's not about who is paying, OP and her children aren't invited at all because they are not "family" and MIL is upset that OP's DH doesn't want to go without them!

Good on DH for saying no to his mother - she needs to realise that when her kids grow up, get married and have children of their own, that is their family now. She sounds completely mad.

True that. I’m surprised MIL is allowing the niece’s fiance to attend the wedding, given that he’s not family and never will be. Perhaps MIL will insist on family photos without him in.

Maybe it’s a different perspective…but wondering how all of this has been for niece/grandaughter? I come from a large ish extended family and dh from a v large extended family - we absolutely did invite our aunts and uncles (but not all of their kids and/or their kids partners) to our wedding - to do so would have added more than 50 people to allow for both sides of family.

Any chance it’s actually a fairly reasonable request from the niece to include her immediate family (knowing some won’t come) that’s been twisted by MIL? Must be hard having your own wedding so controlled by gran.

Doesn’t change your Dh response to his mum, or your hurt by all of it. BUT I’d be wondering about sending the niece a best wishes card or congratulations and an apology for non travel (outside of word of mouth by MIL). May help wider relationships with siblings?

I think your original post is confusing so everyone is focusing on the wrong thing. Your mother in law invited only your husband to his nieces wedding - your kids’ cousin. So that cousin is fine, but your kids aren’t. That’s inherently strange. TTC isn’t a great reason to decline, them offering to pay for your husband is lovely, but not inviting you and your actual children is super weird.

She’s not invited. Neither are her kids. They’re explicitly excluded from attending. Even if you only read OPs posts you’ll know what’s going on.

Read all of OP’s posts.

She isn’t invited.

Because he doesn’t want to go.

Your MILs excuses are pathetic. She doesn’t want the next “tier” of family (wives and kids) there to celebrate the wedding of another member of that tier?? So by that logic, niece shouldn’t even be at her own wedding.

I don’t understand why you can’t just say you’ll go and then if there is a genuine reason why you can’t (newborn, fertility treatment, late in pregnancy) at the time, explain that then? Seems like you are just borrowing trouble. Of course they won’t understand if you haven’t given a reason and they have offered to pay. It just looks like you don’t want to go which I suspect is true.

I think that’s so sad when people say I only want the nuclear family there.
One of our greatest joys is seeing our kids happy with partners and their own kids and we’ve always included them!
I really don’t understand this attitude .
How did she think she got HER family without getting a partner and his family ,
Shes small minded and mean .
Don’t put yourself out .

So this wedding is for her granddaughter but she doesn’t want other grandchildren there? That seems nice.

YABU to not expect DH to go just be abuse you might be pregnant/have a newborn. It's 5 days. How do you think single parents or those whosecpsrtnets work away cope?

YANBU to expect your DH not to go be abuse you & the children aren't invited. It's batshit behaviour from MIL.

People who see themselves as the matriarch/patriarch of their own little dynasty rarely use any logic to see that they would be just as on the outside on many occasions if everyone applied those rules.

This makes absolutely no sense at all from your mother-in-law‘s point of view! Using her logic she has married in and therefore should be excluded from some things. Good on your husband for seeing through this nonsense!

Did you miss the bit where OP explained she has high-risk pregnancies? She'll only "know in 2 months whether that will happen" if she can be sure of a problem-free pregnancy going to full term. She could get pregnant in December/January and come June have a poorly premie baby in NICU and be very ill herself and no one around to look after the older kids if DH is prioritising his mum over his children and wife (thankfully he won't)

This is a weird dynamic. By her rules, then in your family with your DH, you and your children are "the family" and should take priority. But if you behaved exactly as she does then you are the bad guy.

He has his own family now, and if he wants to prioritise them, he should. And I think it's lovely that he does prioritise you.

Let her storm and stew and create world war 3. Ride it out. Politeness, calmness, saying There We Are Then (it's an acronym), and letting her blast all her feelings. It will blow out and she will have nowhere to go. Responding will just make her do it more.

She's a bully. Ignore her and if you must reply, say, as you are away, "the family" comes first, just as you put your children first, so do we.

This.
MIL has a very weird take on family priorities.

This.

you need to be firm on this, your DH has a family and responsibilities, your MIL is putting one grandchild above the rest, I would not stand for this, this did happen in our extended family and we went NC with the grandparent that done this (it was my grandparent elevating one of my cousins above the rest, funnily enough the only daughter’s daughter! my dad cut contact with them)