AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

So the Grandmother & Grandfather of your 2 children do not want them at a family wedding, in fact their cousins wedding ? Why not turn up with the children in the most beautiful bridesmaidy dresses on the day (without warning) - would the grooms family see what cruel horrible vindictive people they all are and think twice of marrying in to a crap family. 😜Have your other sisters and brothers in law been beaten down into submission over the years by MIL ?

Reasonable for them not to pay for you but not to invite you at all is very rude.

Very unfair on your husband, forced to choose between his wife and his Mother. He needs to make it clear to your Mother that he chooses you every time or she'll make your lives a misery.

Your MIL is weird and controlling and in your place I'd think myself lucky not to be invited Op, 5 days stuck with her would be way too long. Your MIL only wants your DH there to fulfil her perfect family picture, so if he doesn't want to go then good for him

Are people for real?

She's excluded you from the wedding. She wonders why WW3 has broken out.
Let it break out, just carry on your life.

How cares if your niece is getting married abroad either, it's her choice. It's an invite, not a summons

People who get married abroad should not expect everyone to dance to their tune

It's an invitation not a summons and mil needs to butt out anyway. Not her wedding . I bet neice isn't too worried

Some families are awful. No tact, no respect and wonder why it goes wrong.

Huge shout out to your DH. So often on MN we read about dead beat husbands, and MIL threads are full of "You have a DH problem" (correctly so). Here's a DH who is doing the right thing. Good on him.

Just grey rock MIL. Say, "We've made our decision - thank you" and refuse to engage any more. Follow up with "I'm sorry you're disappointed but we won't be changing our minds" if she continues. Your MIL sounds awful! You ARE a part of the family, and her two tier family recognition is incredibly rude and divisive.

You are missing the point totally. It is his niece's wedding not his sisters and it has got nothing to do with cost, they are not invited! The MIL is not being generous she is being controlling. Read the actual post before commenting FFS!

Extremely weird. You and your DC are ‘family’ too.

Declining because of what might happen in the future is silly. If you aren’t pregnant then will he go? Seems like he is getting it from both sides. His mum and you. Would you be ok with him going if you aren’t pregnant or had a baby? If not, then it’s not just the MIL being controlling

No compromise is necessary. Why negotiate with a terrorist?

DH should say he will stay away with the new groom as presumably niece’s husband to be is also not family.

haha...agree.

My DH has 3 siblings with nieces/nephews and I've tried putting myself in OP's position and I'd be thinking 'thank god I don't have to go!!'. 😂

But also agree your DH sounds lovely...maybe he is also thinking 'great, I have an excuse not to go...'

My dp declined his annual trip with ils when I was due the same week.
Mil was fuming.
I had a premature baby. Also a suspected heart attack post emcs.
His dms response to the early birth was great he could do the trip now.

When he still refused she never forgave him (me )..been over 11 years since we saw her..
Actually bliss.
She wasn't invited to our wedding a year later either..
Her own doing imo.

If you're not invited to the wedding then it makes sense that MIL isn't paying for your tickets etc. Just let them be angry.

He can explain he feels it's rude to exclude you and the kids, he can say you may be pregnant or say nothing. But giving a reason might at least give them context.

It’s a weird dynamic that needs tackled, should have been sorted long before this, but making a point at his sisters wedding is not the place to do it.

Does you dh want to go to his sisters wedding, and if you can’t afford to all go would he still want to be at his sisters wedding. If he does it is generous if your MIL to give him the option to go himself.

I think declining because you, his wife, is excluded is fine. Declining because you might be pregnant or have a baby seems a bit more odd.

Lol that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's not going to get better. Tell them to fuck off and see how that goes. Beyond rude and disrespectful. Don't let them put you in 'your place' OP.

Sorry but what she said about not paying for you just made me laugh out loud. Yes DH should just decline. It might be a good idea for him to stand up to MIL now before any child joins the family.

BTW - I have had two conversations this month about two different couples deciding not to book a cruise next autumn/winter because they are going to start ttc. It really is a wise consideration. Don’t share with batshit granny though.

Is this seriously the first time you've stood up to her in fifteen years?! Yeah, she's going to take a while to believe that you mean it.

Well done DH for standing firm. I hope he used the phrase "I'll be focusing on my family".

She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc

What does she mean by ‘needs them’? How so?

Hi OP, YANBU. Ignore all the comments saying that you are!

My PILs are similarly controlling and I’ve learnt to ignore them. My life is much easier now. 😊 Your DH’s primary family is the new family unit that he’s created with you and your DC.

Don’t give it a second thought and try to establish some boundaries going forward. x

If people desperately want their family to be at a family event they could hold their family event actually in the same country.

Also they haven't even invited all the family, only the direct relations. So it sounds like they only care about some family and not others, who are very much part of the family.

You don't expect everyone to be able to go if it's overseas. It doesn't sound like the niece is bothered anyway, but the MIL is on her behalf. It's not her wedding.

Not all my uncles and aunts came to my wedding and it didn’t bother me at all. It’s the nieces wedding so the question is whether your dh is close to his niece and wants to be at her wedding celebration. If they aren’t close I imagine the couple won’t care or notice. Presumably he could also just go for the celebration and not the whole 5 day event. He should reply to the couple direct but I’m sure they understand if you choose a destination wedding not everyone will come.

SIL is like this. None of the in laws are good enough for her nearest and dearest. Then she complains that she is lonely because her DC don't visit very often.

I don't think your MIL understands what a family is.

Once your children have spouses and children, they are part of your family. It's completely unreasonable to exclude them from a big family celebration, particularly if it involves foreign travel and lasts five days.

Well done on your husband for saying no.

After reading all OP's posts, not only should he not go, he should be taking a huge step back from his controlling family. Narc MIL and golden child sibling ... sounds like a family to run from, not accommodate.

So "focus on the family" means their family, which consists of MIL, FIL, precious daughter and the supporting cast of siblings.

They obviously don't regard you as family.

Your DH is right to stand up to them on this, to put you and your DCs (born and unborn) first and to challenge, even if he doesn't manage to change, this appalling family dynamic.