AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

While I could just about understand ILs only offering to pay for DH - that fact that you and your children are not invited seems outrageous. Agree with @SereneFinch that it’s like MIL is on some weird retrospective mission about having ’all her children’ with her - when surely weddings are a time to celebrate the expansion of her family!
Id leave this one to DH - he clearly feels he doesn’t want to comply. There will be subsequent pressure from MIL for a substantial gift for niece and who knows what - so best to state his position now and leave MIL to splutter.

I always think people who have this view of family are very odd. The people (like your MIL it sounds like) who view themselves as the key figure, and everyone outside of that direct line (ie her children in law) isn’t part of it. But I assume she’d be spitting feathers if, say, her in laws (like her husband’s sibling for example) didn’t include her in an invitation.

ETA - also, what role of “son” does he need to play at this wedding! His mother’s granddaughter is getting married. She doesn’t him there to provide specific support that will be disrupted by the presence of his wife and children. Uncle of the bride is not a key wedding role. (Even if it was I’d still think OP should be invited, but this just makes it particularly ridiculous)

DH needs to stick to his guns.

He doesn’t owe his DN any explanation aside from thanks for the invitation but I am unable to attend.

He should continue to communicate solely with DN about it, bypassing MIL. If she mentions it he says “I have squared it all with DN”

She sounds dreadful. I would be very LC with her.

They’re incredibly offensive and your DH is right not to go. Sounds like MIL is trying to cling on to her nuclear family as though they’re all still children.

Well, yes, a no should always be accepted. However, I don't understand why he has said no? You can't put your life on hold and decline living your life just because you don't know what the future looks like.

She's not invited

It wouldn't bother me. The expense of going abroad with kids .. for me I would want a holiday.

To use precious annual leave for an abroad wedding .. no thank you.

I would happily be letting them pay for the flights and breathing a sigh of relief.

But... This has become one side versus another side.... And maybe the straw breaking the back... So think it through.

I also found living my life around possible pregnancy exhausting.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’

That’s just offensive, isn’t it? Good on him for declining.

OMG that is like something out of an unsettling film! Time to pull right back from this unpleasant family.

So they’ve also excluded your 2 children (who are blood relatives too I presume) ? Wow that it odd. I would move to LC with them, they sound weird.

Don’t know why people are getting caught up on the ttc part, even if you don’t consider that a factor why would he want to go when his family are being excluded? How bloody weird are his parents! His children are surely as much a part of the family as the niece getting married is? Most people would consider you family as well. So strange! I don’t think he’s being unreasonable for not wanting to go.

Ah just read your updates, so I see it’s not that they’re offering the financial contribution they can afford, it’s actively that they don’t want you and your kids there! That is pretty unpleasant. I think in that case you
can reasonably be a lot firmer about just saying no it doesn’t suit your family so he won’t be going, and then honestly ignore any tantrums about it!

They are way out of line. Very controlling and pretty nasty if they are actually not inviting sibling partners and dc. what the hell? Stand firm.

Very controlling!

Stick to your guns. They sound awful.

Well we don’t know the backstory, so maybe there’s a long history here. But on the face of it I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to want their son to be at a major family event, or for them to say they can afford to pay for his travel but not to cover everybody.

Obviously it’s not ok for them to have a massive strop about his decision, but again assume they don’t know that you’re TTC, so the decision will seem odd to them. It may just feel like a rejection of them and the wider family and they have no idea what’s behind it so are lashing out.

So assuming that overall they’re ok and you want to try and repair things - I’d suggest he tell them that for family reasons he’s not able to commit to going away at that time.

Refuse to be drawn on what those reasons might be - just say that’s personal, but that you won’t know until much nearer the time whether it’s possible. So if they need an answer now it’s a no, but if it gets closer to the time and he is able to go then he can discuss it with them then.

In a similar situation we said something that vaguely implied I was expecting to have treatment sometime to do with “women’s issues”, which they accepted without prying further.

MIL is being an arsehole to pay for DH but not you or the kids. Whatever anyone else says, she’s basically saying she doesn’t care if you’re there or not, which is hugely disrespectful when you’ve been in the family for 15 years.

PPs who say the TTC is irrelevant are just being obtuse. Of course your husband wouldn’t want to leave you for the wedding if you might be heavily pregnant or have a <6 month old baby as well as your two existing children.

Why not just have a sensible conversation, explain the situation and then say he will book flights in the new year if you’re not pregnant?

Has he told them that this is the reason or has he just said he doesn't want to go? Is there an option of confirming at the beginning of the year or something?

Are they excluding you or just not paying for you?