To leave early after my dad told off my son?

MN skews older so it’s probably grandparents typing it lol

(I do agree with telling off for something mundane/as a one off, but I don’t agree with grandparents having free reign and often it can cause a lot of damage, especially when they try to undermine the mother parents)

Not my child, you’ve tagged the wrong person @justasking111

People on these threads often seem to fill in gaps imagine their own particularly lurid version of the scenario. Like there's a difference between

He kept getting up from the table and standing on the chair and deliberately burping really gross smelly burps right in my dad's face and then laughing muhahaha when he was told to stop

and

He kept getting up from the table, and burping

By page 12 it's become MULTIPLE BURPS that the OP FAILED TO INTERVENE ON even though OP hasn't even said how many times. Like this old Sesame Street skit

But it is well known that children, especially boys, with a father in the picture are better behaved. You can take it to extremes and look at the prison population for evidence of that.

I honestly don’t think you’re overreacting, and I also don’t think what you’ve described sounds particularly unusual for a 5-year-old.

Five-year-olds are still developing impulse control and emotional regulation, so getting up repeatedly at dinner, being silly, struggling to sit still and occasionally not responding when spoken to can all be completely normal at this age. It doesn’t mean they have no manners or that they’re not being taught them.

Of course he needs boundaries and reminders, but there’s a big difference between saying “please sit down” and repeatedly criticising a child and telling their mum she’s not bringing them up properly. Especially if he’s shy and sometimes freezes when spoken to, I wouldn’t automatically interpret not answering as rudeness.

The fact that he ended up crying after being repeatedly told off isn’t surprising either. That’s a lot for a little five-year-old, particularly when he’s away from home.

I’d probably take him away from the situation too. You can absolutely acknowledge that his behaviour wasn’t ideal while still protecting him from being made to feel like he’s a “bad” or “rude” child. You know your child and your parenting far better than anyone else does.

No one needs a bullying controlling man in their life

🙄

Op, you knew your ds was behaving badly and you were dealing with this. You say it's out of character for him, and i believe you. He might be finding the different environment hard and acting out a bit - particularly if he's picking up on a level of coldness from his grandfather perhaps?

Fwiw an open ended, generic 'how's school?' type of question would leave many 5 year olds scratching their heads I think. Most people might follow up with 'do you like your teacher?' Or 'what do you like doing at school?' I.e. something tangible and specific that a 5yo can catch onto. My mil has always been hopeless with this child-friendly back and forth, and thank goodness that fil knows how it's done! Mil has never been particularly maternal and dh experienced his upbringing as cold, critical and authoritarian.

Whatever others on here say, your dad did overstep the mark considerably, particularly in his criticism of your parenting. I can well imagine how you were likely raised by him. I bet you felt you couldn't do anything right, no matter how hard you tried.

I wouldn't leave though. When ds is in bed I'd take the opportunity to tell him how upset you were about his criticism of your parenting. I'd also be giving him some tips on what helps engage your ds in conversation. He's 5, not 25 ffs.

Updates almost always change the story when the OP's not getting much support, I wonder why?

You're dad was correct in disciplining your son as he clearly wasn't listening to you. If you leave now you will be sending your son the message that his behaviour is ok and it will only get worse as he gets older.
Be the parent and start to discipline your son. It shouldn't be your dads job.

If I were the OP I would expect better from my child at anyone's table.

You're getting a hard time here, OP. Obviously you know your son's behaviour wasn't good, and you were parenting him, so I don't know why people are queuing up to tell you so and tick you off for it and telling you you're 'soft' and you're 'not coping'
I don't have any advice, I'm afraid; your dad sounds extremely difficult and I recognise the type. I just wanted to say ignore some of the shit you're getting on here.

You either need to speak to your dad or leave. There is no in between. Can you apologise for your son’s behaviour and say he’s picking up on tension between you two? I’m not really sure what you are expecting a load of strangers to do.

Burping qould be unacceptable behaviour for your Dads age.
It maybe is a good prompt from his grandad to know manners as long as it is not an excuse to bully and boss your son.
A weird grumpy old man dynaic would have me leaving
I get it would make a 5 yr old unsure.
Gosh we were bought up strict...no elbows on tables..cutlery together at the end of a meal...now my parent forgets and doesnt install thos in grandchildren!
Somethings arent worth the battle pops!

I'm sorry OP, this sounds hard.

It's normal to feel protective of your dc, and I suppose the one happy thing to take from this is that it seems you have built a warmer bond with your DS than you had with your father, for which you are to be congratulated.

IMO, the truth, as is so often the case, is that you are all a bit at fault.

A five year old should not be burping at the table, and I'm afraid I find nothing more irritating than dc who can't rise to answer a question with politeness. Shyness can be very real, but a couple of words acknowledgement should be manageable by age 5, even just a "fine thank you." Perhaps work on some easy responses for when he gets a bit tongue-tied. My grandmother used to say the cure for shyness is to think about the other person's feelings, not your own feelings of shyness, though I understand it can be hard to overcome. It will stand him in good stead if you support him with this, because shyness can come across as exasperating recalcitrance.

I think you were probably being a bit gentle with him - and from what you have said about your relationship with your father growing up, I totally sympathise that you have tried a different approach. But I think if he is wriggling at the table and burping, you need to crank up the firmness a little. We all have to adjust as parents when we aren't getting results, so don't feel crushed.

Your Dad is clearly a grumpy person generally, but having people in the house can be hard when you are not used to it - especially if they belch and don't answer, and then are not being corrected! And weirdly, at the back of it he may be genuinely concerned and trying to shock you into addressing it as a way of helping you. I know quite a few characters like that: they find it hard to do that sort of thing in a loving way, but there is concern at the back of it. But making your DS cry is your Dad getting it wrong too.

I'd stick it out and try to leave on a civil note. I know it's hurtful when people attack your DC, but I think you will feel better in the coming months if you don't leave under a cloud.

Hi OP, everyone is always really judgemental about behaviour on AIBU. Don’t take it to heart.
Your 5 year old sounds like a pretty normal one and sometimes kids behave like kids!
I can’t believe people get that wound up be table manners especially when the child is so young.
People need to chill out and enjoy being alive a bit more 😂
Nothing you have described sound like you are raising a feral, future yobo!
You were right to feel put out by your Dad’s actions, it’s your child and you should deal with how you feel appropriate, he should not undermine you in front of your child, this will not help in the long run and he should respect you.
I wouldn’t leave though, I would raise my feelings with my Dad and explain. You parent this child full time and know them better and how they respond to discipline and behaviour adjustment styles.
Your Dad might have been trying to help though, so I would give him a chance to explain and approach from a ‘I know you were trying to help, however ….’

You need to apologise to your dad and so does your son, he is rude teach him manners and respect. God help the world when these kids are adults.

Are you a single mum OP ?
Sounds like your son needs a male figure in his life, such as your father, who will discipline him if you are going to be this soft.

She did. She was dealing with it. Have you read the posts?

My dad has always been very controlling and emotionally abusive towards me as a child so all this is very triggering. @Sparklesbigtoe

I was so surprised at the majority of the replies until I read this.
I had a similar childhood and understood op's position straight away.

People who don't grow up with abuse just don't understand how the abusers twist normal experiences.
Yes the DC should have table manners, arms straightforward.
But through the lens of emotional abuse it turns into a toxic tool to control and shame.

The abusive behaviour is sometimes nuanced and only feel like abuse to pp in that family who "know the code".

Op I would go home. Don't wait for an apology, if you need to lie to appease your dad tell him something like you have bad periods or something he won't question just so you can get home sooner.

A five year old boy is a bit naughty at the dinner table, his mother deals with it and gives him consequences. And you’re calling him a little shit that will grow up to be a delinquent??? I hope you don’t have children

Has he expressed these opinions before or was this out of the blue ? If it was a once off then I would try to have a discussion with him and try to mediate. If it's ongoing, can you get a taxi ?

My parents left the disciplining up to me, I wouldn’t have like this. If they did intervene it wasn’t like this, it would have been done with more kindness. Also he is 5, they act out of sorts at times. All of mine are perfectly behaved teenagers and adults now but had their moments at 5

@1985goingbackagain we have a lot of grandchildren. One incidentally the youngest is a wee bugger. His grandpa is like your dad and stepped up to say NO when he was five. Fast forward two years, the parents have finally run out of patience with doing the gentle parenting system which to be fair worked with the girls and have lowered the boom, partly for safety reasons, partly for socialisation reasons. No-one wants that kid for a playdate session.

Don't make your kid the outcast other mums say no to.

My Dad's like that and now we are extremely low contact.