To leave early after my dad told off my son?

I agree! So many posters seem to be missing the point.

No, but if she can’t discipline and parent him correctly at the dinner table then doesn’t give much hope for the other areas if his life.

So she says … or insisted his daughter behave?

Agree. People tell OP she is wrong … suddenly there is a big he backstory of bullying and controlling behaviour. Anyone heard of discipline or is that no longer allowed?!?

What OP said and what actually happened are two different things … sounds like OP makes excuses for her child’s behaviour and her parenting style.

Updates … or excuses!
Should all be in original post … drip feed over 13 pages, pointless

It sounds like neither is used to each other.

Your dad doesn't try and communicate with DS and your DS doesn't know how to communicate with adults.

Sounds like you need to encourage them both to have better conversations to develop their relationship.

She told him it was wrong and that was clearly and repeatedly utterly ineffective

she told him he wouldn’t get pudding and it was ineffective

she needs to find effective ways to teach the child to behave not just telling him it’s wrong. Some children respond to that, many others see it as weak parenting

remove him from the table
speak more sharply at him - clearly that’s never happened before
or chose a “no” something the child actually cares about - clearly the child wasn’t bothered by the pudding or knew he’d get it anyway

Why haven’t you taught your DS table manners in the first place? Surely you have been to your parents before and know their expectations of table manners? I became aware of MiLs expectations (without her actually saying anything) very early on and was quite grateful as it made us make sure our DC had excellent table manners.

I'm never on the side of overbearing, domineering bullies, no matter how in the right they might be.

She was parenting him. She told him it was wrong and also said it was out of character. But don’t let that get in the way of you trying to shame someone for your own weird reasons.

Yabu. At 5 he was rude to keep burping. You need to teach him basic table manners. Apologize to your dad and start parenting your son

Your dad overreacted. Fine for him to correct him but a torrent of telling offs to be pair of you seems over the top and not exactly conducive to a pleasant family visit. I’d have just said ‘ok dad I’ll deal with it’. Maybe your son was acting up out of shyness or feeling weird about being in a new environment. Obviously people are falling over themselves to tell you your parenting is shoddy and your kid has no manners but really, do all 5 year olds behave perfectly all of the time?

If you want to stay I would let the dust settle and speak to your dad today. Apologise for the behaviour but ask him to leave the discipline to you in future.

Did you read the OPs updates?

No I didn't think so.

Well thank you so much for sparing my feelings 😳

"Children need to learn from us, understand there is consequences but importantly learn manners and how to behave."

So if you know much of early learning, role model-imprinting and neuroscience, kid's brains are still at their most malleable until around 6. A lot of the messaging gets written on their neural wiring the same way as a computer hard drive accepts the information - verbatim, without query, especially so when the information is given to them during an emotionally intense situation..

The messaging from the larger person was "anger gets the results I demand and your mum is still scared of me"

The kid was 5 and acting up, not 15,

Her dad still has the same controlling issues he had when raising her, how her kid behaves is largely non of his fecking business

he's not the person she needs imprinting instructions onto her child's still forming brain.

Child misbehaves, dad tells him off, child cries, dad is abusive and controlling … Good God! No wonder we have so many out of control teenagers.

I’m a bit surprised at some of the replies here OP.

he’s 5!! Yes of course you need to teach manners but he’s still young and you were dealing with it.

it’s harder with shy kids too as they get so upset so easily.

your dad needs to butt out and leave you to deal with it.

I think the history and previous abuse is causing you to think about the context. So for others this one instance isn’t going to seem much. But for you there’s more to it. Some GPs just don’t know how to interact with small kids and are more of the type to want kids to “behave” and be quiet.

I think stick it out but maybe ask dad to let you deal with any cheeky behaviour? Then next time don’t visit for so long or don’t stay?

I mean this gently but you can’t have it both ways.

you are complaining about your fathers behaviour growing up as way to explain your own behaviour. But then when people Rightly ask why you went for an extended stay you get annoyed and say it’s complicated and he’s improved.

you need to be a grown up, hiding upstairs crying is not ok.hopefully your son didn’t see you, but I fear he did.

in addition it feels like your son was repeatedly poorly behaved at the table, but you appear to fhink it reasonable to say he was about to start behaving, why do you feel this, as surely you stepped in the first time. And he didn’t behave at that point, so why after multiple times, is it a way to justify why you feel your father shouldn’t get involved?

look your son is five, he should know how to behave at the dinner table. Not to repeatedly get up or burp. That’s incredibly rude, even at 5.

and him not responding to questions or s good morning, this is concerning. If it is he freezes so much out of shyness you need to seek some help. If it’s he’s just rude and you’re justifying it, you need to stop and discipline him better,

I don’t go for punishments, I always spoke to my child and explained, I also explained there would be consequences the next time and if they did it again, then the consequences were carried through.

so the first time he did it you should have said sharply do not do that, sit down, don’t purposefully burp and this is why. If you do this again there will be no dessert and it’s bed.

and if he did it again, the second time, he should have been put to bed.immediatly. Children need to learn from us, understand there is consequences but importantly learn manners and how to behave.

Look, I know from experience its shit losing a parent as a child, however, you're projecting your past onto this and asking OP to second-guess their disclosure of abuse based on your experiences with your deceased parent.

Your dad may have been strict rather than abusive, that does not mean it applies to everyone else and its unfair/harmful for yourself and OP to tangle your stuff with other people's and ask them to conduct an internal "but was it really abuse?" test.

I can't unpack any further than that without it being hurtful.

This.
I wouldn't want my child around my abuser.
Your father is the same as he slways was, a bullying prick.
They don't change.
My father was one.
He never got to meet my children, I wouldn't allow it.
Mind yourself OP.
Rethink visiting in the future.

I was shy, introverted, and used to physically vomit out of nerves when I was a child. No one knew what was wrong with me, but this was when children were told to pull themselves together, behave, get on with it, stop being silly, etc. (late 70s to mid 80s)

Anxiety and any sort of neurodiversity were unheard of, or mocked. Only the "really naughty or special kids" were autistic, for example.

But I still knew my manners and it was unheard of not to obey your parents. Especially when they told you off. You knew they meant business.

Did he say all these things about your parenting in front of your child? If he did, THAT is inexcusable: far worse than either burping at the table or shouting at someone for burping at the table!

It's a good opportunity to start a bit more discipline with your son. When he is at Granddad's house remind him to behave politely as Granddad wants, then start using this as the basis of changing your acceptable behaviour rules, for consistent reinforcement of social skills..

Does he not eat at a table at home? Perhaps explain to him that some people do things differently in their houses.