To leave early after my dad told off my son?

She has already said it’s out of character.

This. I dread to think the parenting techniques used to get these children to be so compliant. Or else they just have perfect 5 year olds of course.

OP I think you should cut your trip short and reduce contact. Parent your child how you see fit. You are already doing a much better job than your dad.

My daughter aged about 7 came home and broke down in what someone might describe as “floods of tears” because her teacher shouted at her. She’s in 6th year now and it’s pretty much the only time she has ever been in trouble for anything at school. It’s not like she wasn’t ever told off at home, and I had absolutely no angst about her teacher. Some kids just can’t deal with other adults shouting at them.

@Sparklesbigtoe I’m so sorry you’ve had such critical replies here. It’s shocking and saddening to think to many people think it’s ok to shout at a child until they cry.
Do people honestly think it helps a person learn to be shouted at and made to cry? In that case what works for a child would obviously be ok for an adult. So these people need to tell their managers/bosses that verbal aggression towards them is ok and their preferred way of learning in the workplace. It’s only right to live by your beliefs.
@Sparklesbigtoe it sound like you are a lovely mum, and trying to meet your son’s needs. One of those needs is showing him his mum protects him and comforts him after aggressive behaviour towards him.
Don’t doubt yourself … and see if there’s a local taxi firm who could pick you up

Hi OP. I would leave. My grandfather was like this to my little brothers and I always thought my parents should have stood up for them. Reading this has brought it all back. I feel for you. However lots of people have mentioned booking a taxi and you have ignored that - is it definitely impossible? I get the feeling it's having to ask your dad for a lift that is stressing you out most of all.

All of Spiked is out in full force today, jfc.

Look, I've got one very chill, sensible, primary age kid (and I know he must be well behaved because people comment on it a lot and he's the sort of kid who unloads the dishwasher without being asked and sat quietly through an RSPB talk about climate change aged 7 and always says please and thank you and all that!) and even he had to be told to come back to the table sometimes at five. Because it's five. He wouldn't have done the burping but he definitely has several friends who would have at that age, and all his friends are really nice gentle kids too.

OP there are so many posts on here from idiots who don’t understand the relationship dynamics between yourself and your Dad.
I get it, and I too used to take myself away to hide rather than face up to my narcissistic mother.
You can’t fix him - your Dad is the way he is. It’s how you react to him that matters to keep yourself and your son safe.
You need MASSIVE boundaries and if you are not yet at a stage in your healing where you can communicate those to him (no judgement there - it took me until mid-40s to be able to do this) then it absolutely is safest to remove yourself and your son.
Ignore the posters with the perfect children (who are probably controlling narcissists themselves) telling you how awful your son is. It sounds like pretty standard 5-year old behaviour to me.

Burping at the table is absolutely disgusting. That behaviour on its own shouldn't be tolerated. Nor should getting up and down at the table. How does he behave at home?

Op I really relate and want to give you a hug xx

I’m sending you a massive hug OP cos I know there is a huge backstory that be causing a whole heap of emotions.

I have similar and it is really shit to feel judged by your own dad (especially in my case where his very seldom parenting left a lot to be desired!)

It's not your dad's place to discipline your child, or (outside school) anyones place imo. I've had this happen when our children were younger and maybe playing up a bit. It really annoyed me and I said so at the time and told whoever to butt out.

If your dad thinks you're not raising your child he should bring it up privately and respectfully with you not in front of your son.

Your father is right,your son deserved telling off for his disgusting table manners, this isn't the first time your son has obviously done this, you clearly havnt pulled him up on in in the past,hence he thinks it's OK to do it. What makes it worse is he's done it in someone else's house.

Two things can be true, son can be behaving badly AND dad can be too extreme how he dealt with it.

Really, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. If you don’t like the way your father disciplines your son, you can leave. If this is not normal behaviour for your son, then have a word with him about appropriate behaviour in different settings.

I’d walk to the station to leave an overbearing and controlling father and wouldn’t ever go back.

Yeah, posting on mumsnet can be a "baptism of fire" sometimes!

I think part of the problem is your thread title. On the face of it, your dad wasn't unreasonable to tell your son off for his behaviour (at his - your dad's - table). It does sound as if he was unecessarily nasty about it though.

The real problem is your reaction and how YOU feel about this. You say your son was in floods of tears; as someone said upthread children get told off and they cry - that's normal. The "floods of tears" is about something else - kindly @Sparklesbigtoe I'm going to suggest that your son is picking up on your feelings of distress.

TBF calling you a "rubbish mum" is far more serious than shouting at your son for burping at the table. I think the real quesion here is should you leave because you don't think you can maintain an even keel for another 2 days (which I get can feel like FOREVER if you are distressed).

In your place, I would make time to talk to your father today and ask him frankly whether having you to stay is too much because your child appears to be annoying him. If so, can he give you a ride to the station and you'll all try again when your son is a bit older?

Just one thing though, please don't use food as a weapon to discipline your child. It's really bad for them and contributes to them developing eating disorders in later life.

I'd go home early. You brought your son to stay and instead of being helpful or supportive he's judging your parenting and your sons character and being critical.

He could be helping you with him like a hands on grandparent would. It takes a village to raise a child and my kids who are all lovely adults now, were all hyper as little kids.
My mums side of the family were all the type to try and support me and I felt goodwill and love towards me and my children, whereas if I stayed with my dad, I'd come away feeling shit and defensive.

Maybe he's just not the sort of person to have kids over.

Was your father "really" emotionally abusive or was he just an old school father who believed in discipline.
Your second posting is piling on a bit more information but are you digging for it.
Many of us older people grew up with a different kind of discipline, and perhaps that's why we react badly to the extreme of gentle patenting (which I am NOT accusing you of)
But I'm team dad here.

You don't state if there is a father figure at home. If not, and I'm presuming here obviously, then I would be so thankful for a male role model, even if he is a bit stern.

Please don't fall out with your dad over this. He will be gone one day and you will miss him. Please don't try and look back to what might have been stern upbringing in your eyes and call it emotional abuse unless you can search your heart and really admit that it was.
Please treasure your parents. Talk to your dad. I'm begging you, from someone who has list both and a dad when I was 5.
There is not a day in my life when I wish I had the time over

Parenting has changed considerably since your dad's day; you were dealing with your dc in a perfectly acceptable way ie. consequences for bad behaviour etc. but, it is a very frustrating parenting technique if your not used to it.
He didn't shout, was just very cross and rightly so. Try to cut him some slack, but do address the earlier incident of dc freezing when approached by dgf. Dc will certainly think twice before joke burping at the dinner table again. Once dc realises dgf takes no nonsense, his behaviour and likewise your visits will improve.

These replies are mental. Your dad sounds very old-fashioned and authoritarian. Most 5 year olds don’t have perfect table manners.

My children also freeze when my mum speaks to them because they’re scared of her – she’s very temperamental. And she responds like your dad – with more anger towards them. It’s not ok!

Call a taxi and leave.

Drip feed much but OP if this is triggering for you because of an abusive childhood then honestly you shouldn’t be there for an extended stay, and you definitely shouldn’t be there with your DS. If you have wifi to post on here then you can find and call a taxi. Leave today. The responses you’ve had, mine included, are assuming a normal family dynamic. Your son was behaving awfully. He wasn’t listening to you. And under those circumstances it would usually be quite normal for a GP to back you up and tell him off, especially when this is in their house round their dining table, and normally the support would be appreciated and not result in you both hiding out in your rooms and triggering childhood trauma. If you’d put that in the OP you would have received very different responses.

Yep. Mumsnet. Where everyone’s child sits perfectly at the table and only gets up when given permission etc. oppressive.

I think the history with your dad is very relevant, and would be interested to read the longer thread you said nobody responded to.

Everyone is piling on, ignoring you saying you had told him there would be consequences, allowed him to calm down and were about to try again.

I’m not very “gentle parent”, and have clear expectations of my children (I am quite strict, honestly) but they are only children and especially at 5 they can surprise you
with unexpected behaviours (more so in places they’re not familiar with), and you can find yourself facing a parenting problem you’ve never had to deal with before.

Your dad sounds very impatient considering and went way over the top giving his opinion of your parenting. I’m sure the people defending him wouldn’t appreciate it if it was directed at them!

Asking for a lift to the station and leaving is a continuation of what happened last night by removing yourself from the room and not addressing the situation with your dad.

If you want to mend the relationship between you and between him and your son then having a conversation and understanding what pushed him to behave as he did, what boundaries you both need would be the more adult thing.

However that's hard given you are all likely upset about the situation and you already have a fragile relationship and have said his patterns of behaviour suggest he won't be able to have a discussion about it.

You understand why he was upset and that he initially stepped in out of frustration. You understand that he didn't parent you in the same way that you are parenting your son. No-one dealt with the situation well last night.

I think at the least you should try to have a conversation with him "Morning Dad, things went very badly at dinner. I'm sorry everyone got so upset. DS didn't intentionally ignore you and he understands that his behaviour at dinner wasn't acceptable. I do my best to parent him and I won't always get it right or do it the way you think I should. You said some very upsetting things to me last night. DS and I would like to stay until Sunday as we'd planned and spend the next few days with you. Is that what you want as well or would you prefer us to leave today?"

If you were dealing with the behaviour and it had already been rectified there was no need for your Dad to have his rant.
Im guessing you were scared of him growing up and that’s why this has caused such a reaction from you.
I wouldn’t leave early unless you can get a taxi to take you to the station, hopefully today will be better.
If my sons were behaving like that at the table you can bet their Grandparents on both sides would have something to say about it, they’d let me deal with it but would definitely back me up as they would be horrified…
My Mum/Dad will pull my children up on behaviour and manners if they think they are doing something they shouldn’t, thankfully it’s not too often but one is abit of a stroppy teenager with an attitude, they’d let pick him up on his tone, eye rolling and general slothing about, things that I generally let go because otherwise I’d be nagging him all the time.
Most grown ups will remind children of manners etc who they are related to, the ‘how’s school question?’ Is fairly standard as an opening question, I think it’s probably best this is the last visit for a little while

So your child is 5 and hasn’t yet learnt basic manners and your method of teaching is therefore not working - you clearly were NOT dealing with it

you may not like your dads way but he must be pretty fed up

and now rather than talk it over you are sulking like a small child ?