Page 3 | AIBU to think his solo holiday plans are selfish?

Sam17062002 · 2026-08-20T22:41:03+00:00

For some background context, I have taken mine and my partners children on holiday twice. Once last year for a week and once this year for 10 nights. Both times my partner has opted out in coming due to personal extended family issues. now my partner has decided he wants to go away in October for a week on his own to “somewhere with a sunbed where he can do nothing” am I being unreasonable in thinking this is selfish? Me and my partner have already been away for a weekend without the children and he has actually never been away with the kids. I know I probably haven’t explained this the best but I am feeling annoyed that he thinks it’s acceptable to go away without even considering me or the kids

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 13:11

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 11:53

@QuietComet that isn’t true, but there’s been so much damage done now, I’m drained mentally. Suppose that’s what happens when you’re constantly disappointed by another’s behaviour

So come on. Finish it. You could have done that by now surely.

Have you ever had a healthy relationship with a man? What is your father like? You seem resigned to men being like this.

RP2211 · 22/08/2026 12:57

You need to sack him off. He will never change. Your parents are right not to like him. It's damaging to your mental health and your children's.

Original poster

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 12:46

@QuietCometi used to truly believe things would change, that he would be more affectionate, more attentive like he was when we first got together but the constant cycle is ( he moves out, we don’t speak for a few weeks, he tells me that he things need to change and I agree because both of us play a part, he comes back home and everything’s okay for two weeks and then we start living like roommates/ Co parents
it’s my own fault, I keep holding on to what things were like when we got together

OP posts:

QuietComet · 22/08/2026 12:32

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 11:53

@QuietComet that isn’t true, but there’s been so much damage done now, I’m drained mentally. Suppose that’s what happens when you’re constantly disappointed by another’s behaviour

That sounds awful, and I can imagine it must be draining, I wasn't having a go, I was genuinely curious is there was a reason to stay?

pikkumyy77 · 22/08/2026 12:25

Sam17062002 · 21/08/2026 07:04

ive Recently moved house, it is rented and he did not want to put his name down on anything so I did tell him he would have to go back to his mums until he wanted to do things properly, there is a lot more context to our relationship and I’d spend forever trying to write it all down but he’s very stuck in his ways and has verbally voiced that he wants nothing to do with my parents, whom I am very close with.
when we first got together I did genuinely believe I’d found an amazing person whom treated my daughter like his own but when I fell pregnant with the others the rose tinted glasses soon fell off, we have been in this cycle for years now and it is mentally draining but I have definitely come to the conclusion that I’m not being unreasonable about this holiday

You are unreasonable to keep this man in your life. He absolutely shits on you.

Rondayvu · 22/08/2026 12:18

OP please get rid of this tosser from your life you can do so much better. He is a user and a leach and I am stunned he thinks its ok for you to bring HIS kids without him on holiday. Talk about opting out of parenting. Let him go on his jollies in october and tell him to pack more than just his shorts. Change the locks, live your life without this waster you deserve so much more.

PrayForPlagues · 22/08/2026 12:01

My god, why are you putting up with this loser?

Original poster

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 11:53

@QuietComet that isn’t true, but there’s been so much damage done now, I’m drained mentally. Suppose that’s what happens when you’re constantly disappointed by another’s behaviour

OP posts:

QuietComet · 22/08/2026 11:51

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 09:41

it is my mum and dad whom want nothing to do with him, they tried to have a relationship with him but he comes across as very rude as he doesn’t see the need to speak to them, it’s been an ongoing struggle since I was pregnant, however he has also expressed wanting nothing to do with them, my parents can not stand the person he is and nor do I blame them

You really don't sound like you like him. Why are you still with him?

Lurker85 · 22/08/2026 09:59

When women stay with these arseholes they allow their arsehole behaviour to be witnessed by their kids and are therefore contributing to the creation of the next generation of arseholes. Break the cycle and kick him out. You and the world deserve better.

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 09:45

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 09:41

it is my mum and dad whom want nothing to do with him, they tried to have a relationship with him but he comes across as very rude as he doesn’t see the need to speak to them, it’s been an ongoing struggle since I was pregnant, however he has also expressed wanting nothing to do with them, my parents can not stand the person he is and nor do I blame them

I suspect they are very very frustrated

Original poster

Sam17062002 · 22/08/2026 09:41

it is my mum and dad whom want nothing to do with him, they tried to have a relationship with him but he comes across as very rude as he doesn’t see the need to speak to them, it’s been an ongoing struggle since I was pregnant, however he has also expressed wanting nothing to do with them, my parents can not stand the person he is and nor do I blame them

OP posts:

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 09:19

CJ50Mum · 22/08/2026 09:17

He must get on with his own parents as he runs back to his mum when things get tough & his Dad is paying for his holiday

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I think it is the OP’s parents who want nothing to do with him. They have seen this pattern play out time and and time again I suspect and have chosen to distance themself from this one.

CJ50Mum · 22/08/2026 09:17

JustGiveMeReason · 21/08/2026 20:14

Where does she say that ?

She said My partner and my children’s grandparents don’t have a relationship due to many reasons breaking any sort of relationship they had over time which implied (at this point in the thread) it was his own parents he didn't get on with, or surely you'd write "My partner doesn't get on with my Mum and Dad" ?
I can't see where she said "he won't go because of the grandfather", or any suggestions it is a visit to family.

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He must get on with his own parents as he runs back to his mum when things get tough & his Dad is paying for his holiday

CJ50Mum · 22/08/2026 09:14

DaisyChain505 · 21/08/2026 21:23

Your children absolutely should be bought into this. This is their daily life and they are witnessing their Dad be a useless father to them and a useless partner to their mother.

Your behaviour is teaching them how they should act towards others and how they should accept being treated in their future relationships. Would you want your children to be treated by their partners the way you are treated? Because every second more that you stay and accept your life the way it is, is showing them this behaviour and situation is ok.

You may think you’re “sheltering” them from any issues but children aren’t stupid. They see more than you think and hear more than you know. They can read body language and sense atmospheres.

And how exactly can you shelter them from the fact that their father has never gone on holiday with them yet is busy packing his bags for a solo holiday? How can you shelter them from the fact that things get so bad at home that your husband moves back to his mothers?

The second you stop being in denial about how little your children know and feel the better. It may sound harsh but maybe tough love is what you need in this situation, not a pat on the shoulder and being told you’re doing a great job keeping your family together for your children’s sake because believe me it’s not worth it.

Edited

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This 100%

CJ50Mum · 22/08/2026 09:11

Sam17062002 · 21/08/2026 17:07

Let me correct myself, not all men. Just the ones I’ve unfortunately come across.
I do apologise to the decent men out there.
and it’s final, he’s going on this holiday and nothing I say will change that.
and I salute the women who have better taste in men than me. I wish I’d have made better choices that didn’t always lead me to feel betrayed and hurt

You & the kids deserve better.
I wouldn't tolerate that behavior, I'd rather be a single parent. It sounds like you do 95% of the work anyway.
You can shelter the kids from his behavior but they will be aware of it.
What does he contribute to the family/relationship?

THisbackwithavengeance · 22/08/2026 08:42

He’s not a DP is he? He’s a sperm donor who provides sexual services. Are you claiming benefits as a single parent whilst he pretends to live with his mum and refuses to engage in normal family life. Get rid of him and find someone better for your next partner.

QuietComet · 22/08/2026 08:32

There are so many things wrong here, but I think you know that.
His refusal to have a relationship with your parents, his decision-making regardless of the outcome of your conversations.
His refusal to come on family holidays.
His parents enabling his behaviour.
Your role as the default parent.
You are not equal partners and, from what you've written, he has no respect for you or consideration for you and your family.

Currently, you're solo-parenting three children and having to deal with a disrespectful housemate.

Make life easier for yourself, and more pleasant / stable for your children by ditching the housemate.

Homemerge · 22/08/2026 06:11

I think if someone has put up with this shit for a years; who accepts a man upping sticks and moving back home with mama leaving you to parent solo his children… then it is unlikely that him taking a solo holiday is going to galvanise someone to end it. Sadly

BCBird · 21/08/2026 22:22

I would be expecting a solo holiday too

MyMiniMetro · 21/08/2026 22:18

Sorry, why are you still with this guy? I know Mumsnet can be keen to jump on the ‘leave him’ wagon but on this occasion it’s justified.

You are a single parent for all intents and purposes, but without the luxury of time off from the kids when it’s his turn to have them.

Opting out of family holidays is not an option and should never be an option for a parent unless he is literally the Prime Minister or equivalently important to national security.

The most disturbing thing is - he doesn’t even like you let alone love you. When you are with the right person, they WANT to spend time with you and go on holiday with you rather than going alone. You don’t have to beg. The weekend away is his version of bare minimum; designed to keep you sweet so you’ll do family holidays on his behalf and let him take a week off alone doing god knows what.

I would be inclined to say yes to his holiday. In the build up collect as much personal information as you can about his bank accounts, salary, assets and pension. Withdraw as much money as you need to survive. Consult a solicitor. Have everything in place to serve him divorce papers direct to the hotel. Change all the locks and send his personal belongings to his friend/family.

If he wants to live a single man lifestyle, make him a single man.

DaisyChain505 · 21/08/2026 21:23

Sam17062002 · 21/08/2026 08:53

@DaisyChain505 please do not bring my children into this, I work very hard to make sure I can provide them with the life they deserve and shelter them from any issues we may face as a family as any mother would

Your children absolutely should be bought into this. This is their daily life and they are witnessing their Dad be a useless father to them and a useless partner to their mother.

Your behaviour is teaching them how they should act towards others and how they should accept being treated in their future relationships. Would you want your children to be treated by their partners the way you are treated? Because every second more that you stay and accept your life the way it is, is showing them this behaviour and situation is ok.

You may think you’re “sheltering” them from any issues but children aren’t stupid. They see more than you think and hear more than you know. They can read body language and sense atmospheres.

And how exactly can you shelter them from the fact that their father has never gone on holiday with them yet is busy packing his bags for a solo holiday? How can you shelter them from the fact that things get so bad at home that your husband moves back to his mothers?

The second you stop being in denial about how little your children know and feel the better. It may sound harsh but maybe tough love is what you need in this situation, not a pat on the shoulder and being told you’re doing a great job keeping your family together for your children’s sake because believe me it’s not worth it.

Ohnobackagain · 21/08/2026 21:18

Howmuchisthatparrotinthewindow · 21/08/2026 18:23

Tell him not to bother coming back to your house and put in a claim with CMS.
End the cycle once and for all.

Agree @Sam17062002

MatronPomfrey · 21/08/2026 20:40

This isn’t just about a holiday, it is his part-time participation in family life. You and your children deserve better. Send him back to his parents, go for child maintenance from him and be happy without this manchild.

JustGiveMeReason · 21/08/2026 20:14

HalzTangz · 21/08/2026 07:43

When the op quoted he won't go because the grandfather, so assume this is a holiday to visit family rather than a package holiday

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Where does she say that ?

She said My partner and my children’s grandparents don’t have a relationship due to many reasons breaking any sort of relationship they had over time which implied (at this point in the thread) it was his own parents he didn't get on with, or surely you'd write "My partner doesn't get on with my Mum and Dad" ?
I can't see where she said "he won't go because of the grandfather", or any suggestions it is a visit to family.