Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

It seems you and he have been shouldering ongoing problems for many years.

Life hasn't really treated him well in childhood has it?

His GCSE results have just brought his subconscious cry for help to the surface. I suspect he feels ( rightly) that neither his mother nor father actually cares about him, and he feels rejected by them and has become a loner and is in deep severe depression but in denial.. it is common for depressed people to push j people away.

Failing all his GSCEs, and not seeming to care seems to be an obvious huge cry for help. But he needs help and support of the right kind and doesn't seem to be getting any.

Why hasn't he have a social worker ?
what did his parents do for him when he was growing up?. Why didn't you daughter / his mother take responsibility for him when she became an adult?
Did he meet all the normal milestones at the correct age. In terms of walking taking reading and writing and social skills.?
Does he have learning difficulties that haven't been identified.?
Does he actually have any friends or outdoor hobbies?
What advice and support have the school given him?

There are children's mental health charities out there that might be able to offer counselling in a safe young person's environment, and find him a support worker.and might be able to help him see a way out of a black hole, .in conjunction with GP/NHS intervention might help him get back on track but it is going to take time.and professional intervention.

He needs to be assured to eat that there is different kinds help out there and that you care and that his mother cares about him as a person,. Don't focus on his GCSE right now as he has bigger issues to deal with as he enters adulthood

He will eventually need to resit English and Maths to get an apprenticeship. Get some advice from the school on opportunities for extra help for resitting either at school and at other educational establishment . find out what options he has and try to engage him in participation. .his mother and father also need to take some responsibility here. Neither have been a good role model. and haven't shown enough interest in him, let alone affection ..don't give up on him otherwise he may give up.on himself...

Don't know enough about it all to make an informed comment. But the kid should've had emotional support from the start. His mum needs to step up and show she gives a shit as well.

Relationship with his dad - he needs professional help to work through complex emotions.

And you need to stop being passive...i feel like a total bitch when I ground them/lock screentime down/refuse permission for certain things due to attitude/rudeness/disobedience. But ground rules stand, respect is non negotiable. I know where they are and for how long, who they are with. My 16 yr old knows exactly where the boundaries are and, now she's older, we are relaxing them a little much to the chagrin of the 14 and 12 yo.

You're in charge. But professional intervention first as this hasnt happened at any point. I dont mean to make you feel bad, but it's a repeated cycle. Why does he have unlimited access to gaming? Take it away. Make him deep clean the room. Tell him things are changing round here. No more disrespect and time to start taking responsibility for his life. Tough love.

I'm sorry you're going through this op. Your grandson needs some help to deal with the trauma of being abandoned by his parents. You probably need some help too.

He’s very young in the scheme of life but he’s clearly not young in terms of his childhood. If he was 8 the Op would have a lot more time to play with to turn things around. He’s presumably 15/16, I wouldn’t encourage the OP to give up, quite the opposite but it’s going to be a difficult task to turn that ship around.

No, he is still very young. That's just a fact. I didn't suggest he was a cheeky 8 year old.

Yes, he might never choose to fix his life. Nothing she can do about that unless he wants to work on it.

She needs counselling before she can even start trying to put boundaries in place. Far too complex and too many threads to pull at in a comment. And she has already sought help, without success, which is why I said she should speak to a counsellor for herself first and foremost.

I don’t agree with this. Firstly, in terms of turning this around he’s not that young. We are not talking about a cheeky 8 year old.

He may never make a decision to start trying, id wager many don’t. Look at the lives of many homeless people.

I agree that counselling would be great for Op.

I also think I’d try to pull any resource in I can, teachers etc but may be difficult if GS won’t engage.

I assume there are charities that can offer advice.

Maybe start with - this is my house, ground rules - you do not swear at me etc
And stop giving him money if he doesn’t behave.

Such an unhelpful comment. Have some kindness or don’t comment at all.

And by the way, he is still very young. His life path is not set in stone yet. You need to learn ways to cope that will stop depleting and harming you so much. You've done well to make it this far. Please get some counselling for yourself.

Apart from actually harmful behaviours, you might just have to step back and let him fail until he makes the decision to start trying, because you can't carry him up the hill, even if you wanted to.

Was she taking drugs and drinking when pregnant? This can irrepairably harm a baby's neurodevelopment. You've fed him and kept him as safe as you can. That's not nothing.

Get some counselling for yourself please, you have been through a lot. And stop worrying about his exam results, they are the least of his worries. Some kids will never do well in exams, but can find other pathways in life anyway.

Talk to the counsellor about his problems and see if a professional can offer suggestions to you. I'd book a therapist today, without hyperbole.

And for what it’s worth Op - you have a thankless task in this. I hope that you both get some support.

I expect that the core of this is the hurt and damage from not being wanted by his parents.

Take all the help the school will offer.
Insist that DGS engages with the counselling offered.
Take the PC if he refuses. Give him use of the PC so long as he attends sessions with good intention of participating.

Would DGS look at courses in computers at TAFE? Would he enjoy a part time job in a hardware shop? Volunteering in an animal shelter?

It sounds wretched all round. Definitely approach the school and local authority as soon as you can. It's high time the professionals were more energetically involved. I agree with others that his results are the very least of it. His mental health has to be prioritised first. Did I understand correctly that his birth father attempted suicide? Maybe there's a genetic component? Maybe it's simply that he feels rejected. Although clearly not by you. As a previous poster said he can get angry with you because you're his safe place and you haven't rejected him. What about a charity phoneline like Childline? Would he be prepared to ring them? I feel for you - you've been dumped in it and have been trying your best. Time now for the authorities to step up to the plate.

It's got to be hard on a kid when neither of your parents want you but do want your siblings.

@CuddlyBears you have done a wonderful thing trying to give your grandchild a mother and home. Failing his GCSEs does not detract from that.

He has basically withdrawn and gone into protection mode due to the rejection from his parents - can you imagine the pain? You need to find a way to re-attach with him, which will be difficult.

This may help, I have read and recommend the book which it is based on.
rocksolidrefuge.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/02/Hold-Onto-Your-Kids-Home-School-2024.pdf

The weed Is in all likelihood an attempt at self-medication of the problems that he has

Unfortunately he has a dad he only met for the first time at 12, doesn’t want to look after him and attempted suicide. His mum also doesn’t want to look after him, hardly sees him and to make it much much worse, has other children who she does see and raised.

Its very sad for anyone to be in this position and clearly over time this has an effect on somebody.

You can’t do anything about his parents’ treatment of him, which seems like the main factor leading up to this. But you can support him from here by getting social services involved as soon as possible to help you. You can’t force him to see a psychologist but with the kind of things he has to deal with I think professional help is really needed.

What happened in the years leading up to and the 2 years of his GCSEs? What happened when he was in primary school? Was he happy as a younger child? How long has he been having issues for?

You, and he, desperately need more support. He sounds very unhappy and things aren’t going to improve until he takes some responsibility for his depression and gets help. Has he any ambitions or goals for the future?
i would start with the GP and get social services involved. If he clicks with the right person, he might be willing to start making small changes.

The poor kid feels abandoned and is probably questioning why his mum and dad treat him so bad in contrast to his siblings. You are the one stable thing in his life and that's why you're getting the brunt of it. Ask the school if they can direct you to a counsellor that does family sessions where he may engage more if you are by his side. He is spiralling and crying out for love and acceptance from his parents.

This all sounds really difficult. You mentioned you had a guardianship order for him- I presume this is an SGO? If so, your LA will have a Kinship / SGO support team you will be able to access who should be able to provide you with some support or at least point you in the right direction of where to get it. Please also look at the Kinship charity who may be able to help. You sound like you need some support as a family so please reach out for it. Good luck xx

Baby steps - your DGS needs a plan of what he wants to do - you say 'his behaviour is awful tbh, he vapes and smokes weed often, steals alcohol, selfharms, is rude and disrespectful to me, he spends almost all of his time gaming on his PC and doesnt really go out" this stops, if he wants to live under your roof and have you feed him then he needs to come up with a plan with what he wants for his future that you can support and he also needs to cut out the destructive behaviours, and you need to stop enabling the destructive behaviours - otherwise where does it end?

The failed GCSEs are the least of the problems here.

OP, you appear to have gone from your GS's birth to his exams with no information in the middle. Please can you tell us how it came about that you took over his care full time? What happened to his Mum, ie, is she still living with you both, did she leave after his birth and not return, did she finish her own education???? Is she still in contact with you? With him?

Was he a happy little boy, and has gone off the rails as a teenager, or has he always been difficult? How long he been struggling like this, and when did he start behaving badly?

Also, what was your reaction when you found out that your DD was pregnant at 13? Were you a teenage Mum yourself? How old were you when you took on the care of your GS?

We need lots more information in order to be able to offer any help or advice.

It is perfectly readable op.

Yes speak to school but try the gp again and social services. This kids life is awful. He is getting rejected again and again. He could become a danger to himself or to others if he isnt helped.