Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

@CuddlyBears your DGS seems to be becoming isolated. You hay his friends may come round he says they may not. It would be good if they did. What are they like? Are they like him or are they still in some form of education or training?

You said someone is coming round next week to talk about his results, that is really good. I know it is hard but try to make something of this. Don’t let another organisation walk away from him. Tell them that you are desperate.

There are resources out there for him but they are not landing on your doorstep.

It is so sad, he is clearly in such pain and has put up so much defences that have become impenetrable.

His mum and dad clearly do not have his interests at heart. He most probably wants to yell at them.

Does he like sport, martial arts, go karting. My DGS does those, hardly resistible for a one.

I know I am jumping around but something needs to be done.

Why do you forensically need to understand how the OP got to where she is? At which point along her grandson’s life journey are you going to identify ‘the thing’ that triggered him into where he is now? And if you could identify a single trigger, what would be your solution?

Thank you for answering my previous questions OP. However, when her son was born, didn't you, or anyone else make it clear to her that it was her job to raise him, or did you just take over and do everything for her? Did she feed him, change him, bath him, etc., when he was born, or did she just wash her hands of him? And if that was the case, did you not seek any help or advice, as to how to get her involved with her child? Did you at any point discuss adoption? I know this isn't helpful with the way he's behaving at present, but I'm just trying to understand how you got to this point.

This. He is a traumatised child abandoned by both parents effectively, but usually children are more profoundly affected by the lack of their mother. I know other young people in similar situations and none are unaffected by these issues.

I found your post really upsetting what an horrendous situation, he is a very hurt traumatised lad who is in a lot of pain and dealing with his emotions in a destructive way, he probably does not even know how to cope.The smoking weed is an attempt to null the pain and just makes the situation 20 x worse.The lack of self care is just giving up and the mindless video games just detaches him more from reality.He will be flooded thinking about his shitty hand of cards compared to those with Aces: he will think life hates him, nothing brings him joy, in turn he hates himself.He is too young to understand regardless we play that hand the best way possible.

Abandonment/ rejection are major obstacles to overcome throw in puberty and it’s a ticking time bomb.I have adopted friends who have battled this throughout their lives, all are successful people now but their teenage years and twenties were like walking on ice.Even now in their 50s the demon still rears it’s ugly head from time to time

Forget college places, apprenticeships (very competitive still need the grades) joining clubs he is unable to engage with anything until he is mentally well. i say this in the kindest way, you are not enough for him, he needs professional help.Read through all the comments and start making contact Monday morning.Situations change and with the right help and support things (it will be a battle to obtain it don’t give up) can be turned around.If you do nothing he will spiral mark my words.

I wish you well and really hope he gets the right help.

It's hard to say without knowing what your approach is, but it's clear whatever you've been doing so far isn't working.

It seems the poor kid feels totally unwanted, unloved and worthless. I hope this doesn't come from you, but if it has come from others in his life it's hard to undo. Clearly the facts speak for themselves - a mum who didn't want him, a grandma who'd wanted him aborted, a dad who isn't fussed, siblings he hardly knows.

I think what he needs is loads and loads and loads of love. No recriminations, just a plan.

You probably need to get rid of the PC. Best suggestion is you cut the line to the wifi and tell him there's a service outage? Do that for a few weeks to get him used to doing things other than gaming... if it's been his escape for a long time he'll need to adjust to the real world again.

This is great advice but it’s important to note that they will only be eligible for the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund if her grandson was classed as a child in care before the SGO was made. I posted earlier about contacting the Kinship/SGO support team at your LA as they will be able to support you x

That’s a vile response. OP’s GS will have trauma from being separated and rejected by his parents. That isn’t OP’s fault. The boy needs help, his behaviour screams unresolved trauma.

@CuddlyBears

You have had very many non-trauma-informed responses on here. If I were you, I would repost on the adoption board for more considered help and support. As a Kinship carer, are you connected with the organisation Kinship? You would be eligible to access the Adoption & Special Guardianship Fund (drastically cut by the Government last year). You will need to contact your appropriate regional adoption agency to get the ball rolling. Personally, I would push for a full neurodevelopmental assessment for your grandson in order to inform next steps. You will also be able to access help from your local authority Virtual School but be warned they often do not want to support kinship or adoptive children even though they have a legal obligation to do so. Have you looked at therapeutic parenting resources? Plus NVR? I don’t want to bombard you with too much stuff but if you can give me a baseline of what you have accessed so far, then I’m really happy to research and post further resources for you. Also, please ignore those insinuating that it’s your parenting to blame and things would have been rosy if you had held boundaries etc. These people will have no experience of children who live with complex trauma and disordered attachments.

Self harming and peeing in bottles is showing he's struggling with significant MH issues OP. This needs sorting rather than focusing on GCSEs, which he can resit when he's ready

He's a child OP, why has he been allowed to game all the time, let alone vape and take drugs?

Forget about gcse grades, they are the least important thing right now. He sounds desperately unhappy with lots to unpick. What happened to the camhs referral?

Hi OP, sounds like a very difficult situation for your whole family, but especially your GS who's probably tried to mask how he feels about his situation & now just can't anymore. I think if you look towards adoption resources you will find much better advice & guidance. He probably had some fantasies about how his life would change when he met his birth dad & when he was let down again everything began to unravel. Failed GCSEs might be due to low self esteem/self sabotage etc..

It’s really not as easy as that when you have a child who has been abandoned by both parents. It sounds like the OP has not had any professional support in navigating supporting him and his traumatic upbringing.

I presume he has plans for a college course because that would be the next step a school would suggest - long before results. It would be level 1 or 2 with resit maths and english. If you didn't work closely with school then its now too late. Overall it is probably late as you should have been more proactive sooner, rather than sounding surprised that turning off the PS4 got a stronger reaction than the results envelope. A real situation? not so sure.

This does seem to identify generational family dysfunction. @CuddlyBears, what
was your upbringing like?

I don’t ask this in order to blame you, but is there a pattern here? Because your DGS is at an age where he could father a DC.

Does he have a girlfriend?

I really do feel for you OP, this is not a good way to live for anyone involved. It is also not good for society.

Is there no one you could reach out to to
mentor your DGS. That is what he needs. He is beyond many solutions offered by well meaning PPs.

Many years ago I volunteered at an organisation that mentored boys just like your DS. Boys from the age is 11 to 16, from various family situations. Boys who hadn’t ever been to the cinema, never been swimming, never had access to anything that is considered normal in life.

I think we did make a difference, I think I did make a difference to a couple of the boys.

Forget school, college, apprenticeships or even work, he is not at that level yet, he needs a one to one mentor that open his eyes to the possibility of a life that he has absolutely no access to and never will until there is some very personal intervention.

So yes I'd try to arrange 1 club per day on a schedule for him, usually clubs are 1-2 hrs so this is a low commitment and should be an enjoyable experience for him. If he doesnt like one club from one category for instance team sport and football was first try, then he tries it 3 times to make sure he doesnt like it as the 1st time everyone is anxious, 2nd a bit more relaxed and 3 have their bearings so can make a proper decision - then just try something else like rugby.

Dont give up on the category, just move to something else within it if you see what i mean. The goal is to find a club he enjoys, i mean even if its his local bowls/lawn bowing team, as long as its a team sport, you just have to keep trying.

But that applies for all categories.

I think 1 club everyday would be a good commitment and if hes really refusing then I'd use his kinship alllwance to incentivise him and offer £5 of in game spending money per club attended per day...to get him started..who knows he might find his feet and start moving forward once he builds some self-esteem.

He needa communities and fun.

Not cash as he'll spend it on weed.

@ReversaName i mean her daughter had two teenage pregnancies and that has led to this situation her grandson is in. She has made an exceptional decision to take him on and bring him up; but I am suggesting the reasons this has happened are under the ops responsibility as a parent. No one is perfect; but boundaries need to be set in place from a young age or these are possible consequences; I would not be surprised in the slightest if drugs become involved given the path he is on and the situation in which he finds himself. I am sorry if my take is unkind; but I do think by looking critically at things we can find ways to solve problems / do things differently for a better outcome. I think as parents this is what we all try and do all the time. This situation is very complex and I do have sympathy for op; however much of the blame lies with her daughters’ decisions and choices; and many of those were set in motion when she was a minor under parental responsibility.

Its easy to offer advice when weve not lived the life you have and so i dont want to come across as patronising or critiquing you as Im sure youve tried your best.

Something I think is important for anyone is community and ideally multiple small communities. And for children and young people this can help shape their identity. You havent mentioned any extra curriculars and how he got on at them? What were his clubs as a child and young teen? And it doesnt sound like he is part of any communities at the moment.

Have you heard of social prescribing as this is something I feel he may benefit from.

Id suggest a young person is involved in:

structured club like cadets, whether army, navy or air - as it offers discipline and great experiences and trips.

Team sport - rugby, football or whatever is available

Creative club - art class or group music lessons

Exercise - park run, athletics, teen gym session, teen swimming lessons, martial arts etc

Plus different areas have their own unique clubs on top or a social club like gaming or dungeons and dragons if thats his thing.

I'd abandon education for him at this point and use his kinship carer allowance to impose fun and activities and being part of several small communities, i know where i live its £250per week so theres a lot of scope to link him into activities.

Give that a shot and see if he improves, then engage him in your local employability service with the council who normally offer confidence building short courses in preparation for study or employment.

He has had a shit life and gaming and weed is pure eacapism.

But he can go on to have a good life, many people with shit parents do, although it colours your life forever and he just needs to learn to live with it. Which will likely take years of time and growth in maturity and therapy.

Also where does he get the weed?

So yes thats my suggestions and as I say not trying to be patronising.

And i do agree you need your own therapy, you cant help anyone if you crumble under the stress and some social prescribing for yourself too while your at it, as you also deserve your own little communities, some joy and relaxation. X

And your advice is ……?

I wish mumsnet would stop banging on aabout apprenticeships
They are really competative and most require at least maths and english grade 4
Unfortunley with the grades he has hes looking at a level 1 course.