Feel like I have failed after GS failed every GCSE

You said he seemed to be a happy child when younger and it sounds like things changed more with contact with his father which was at 12/13.

So number one, maybe keep an eye on the contact with the father as, limited though it is, it might still be doing damage every time he speaks to him and worth limiting even further if this is the case.
You could also make sure that when he comes back from seeing his father, there is something else to do other than sit in his room gaming and insist on him doing it so that it takes him out of his own head and he can’t dwell on negativity as a result of the contact. Maybe make him doing the shopping with you at the supermarket or go to a park, any kind of activity together. Or just something he does but not alone in his room.

If you think that you can’t enforce stopping him gaming, try flipping the circuit breakers on the electricity in the house, that will enforce it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Has he spoken to you or anyone else that you’re aware of about his father’s MH or how that affects him? It’s possible he sees this poor MH as his future and role model and is worries or assumes he’ll end up similar.

Yours was the only one that really stood out though. What the fuck does it matter why? The OP is asking for help for now, picking over the bones won't make a smite worth of difference.

If you take the trouble to read the rest of the responses, you will see that I'm not the only one who would like to know more about what happened in the intervening years, I feel that this would help us all to get a clearer picture of the OP's GS's upbringing and childhood/early teen years. I am not looking for a single trigger. Things are gradually becoming clearer, but the OP said herself that she was happy to answer questions as she didn't want to make her initial post too long.

I'm confused. You're talking about your daughter's boyfriend?

This is a great resource for helping to identify mental health support for under 18s.

https://hubofhope.co.uk/

Yes, I really think this is worth the OP chasing. Trauma-experienced children and young people often struggle in their teen years, as you well know. It would just give the comfort of knowing that her GS could access education at a later date, if that is the right thing for him.

It might be worth looking into some sort of chef apprenticeship for him, or finding out some details.

Sounds like he would benefit from quite a physical/hands on job, as that would help with his MH. He clearly doesn't like studying, but that's fair enough and isn't for everyone.

You must be exhausted.

OP

Does your grandson have any good male role models on either side? Uncle, cousin, grand father, etc. Is there anyone he listens to or respects? With the exception of his useless dad, he seems to be surrounded by women including his friends being girls. He needs some good men in his life. Coaches, teachers, community groups etc even. It’s more coincidence that his behaviour went downhill as he hit puberty, that when boys really start to gravitate away from their mums and towards their dads: they need someone decent to show them how to become a good man.

i don’t get the impression from your posts that you understand how badly damaged this boy is, and how unhappy he is. He cannot turn this around on his own.

i can’t get over how you pull him up on how he speaks about his parents like that’s the issue - of course he’s angry and disgusted with them, at the same time asking why they’ve rejected him and wanting their love. How have you explained this to him? He must have asked you, when he was younger, why he lived with you and not his mum.

It's OK, I never said you said there was anything wrong.

I never said there was my son did one
He waa critically ill in year 11 and missd a full half term of school he isnt academic anyway but his grades were lower than they should have been.

You can get them in y12, we did.

OP, I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned on here yet but I would be fighting hard to secure an EHCP for your GS. This will give him a fighting chance of accessing education up until the age of 25.

Nothing wrong with a level 1 course.
Doing a level 1 (well a level 1 and then another level 1) really helped DD rebuild her confidence with both life and academics.
To finally be given work she could actually do rather than work she couldn't at a pace that she could handle.

He would need at least 3 grade 3s to get onto a level 2 course

Iit will level 1 with those grades unfortunatley.

its great hes opting for subjects which he feels might be interesting to him. He may need to try a few things to work out his strengths and interests , all part of the journey.

He doesn’t know what he wants to do and he may feel that he will fail at anything he wants to do.

I know it is hard but talk to him. Try to build a rapport. If he feels to put upon, he will shut down. But communication and conversation would let him know that he has something to say and that you are interested in what he has to say.

Will the girls come over for his birthday?

@CuddlyBears, he likes baking. He could go to catering college and become a pastry chef. My first career was as a trained chef, due to the apprenticeship scheme, YTS, that was available then. I was 17 and hadn’t thought of becoming a chef, but I took a summer job in a local pub after my O levels and the proprietor suggested I go on the scheme. I had a wonderful career and never looked back. He needs someone to mentor and inspire him. He is screaming out for guidance.

Creative media certainly will have tec overlaps. He can also look for a computer game design course at level 3, once he has completed level 2

Also pointless harping on about how things could have been done different in the past. Life is what it is, warts and all and it’s best to look forwards

Theres a huge amount of rejection for him to process. It will take time but only once he is ready.

Find positive male role models, somehow

Schools are rubbish places for kids who need something different to blossom. Low grade GCSEs are enough to get on a level 2 apprentiship or a level 2 college course. Look at all options around you and the different in your area, be very hesitant about repeating GCSEs at the same school. Widen his horizons and look for an environment which will interest and inspire him. Computers or a trade possibly? Excelling in something he enjoys will bring self worth and hope for the future.

If hes willing, pay for a supportive personal trainer at your local council gym. Book him one or two sessions a week with a PT who can teach him to lift free weights safely. After a few months he will be able to do this independently. Exercise can help massively with mental health and self image and sleep routines

There is so much going on that I don't feel qualified to give advice.
I can only send some virtual support as you stepped in when his parents haven't, and you've loved him to this point. 💐.
I hope you can both find a way through this, and he'll find some ambition to go further in a trade or some form of employment.