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Original poster

At what point does this sort of ‘low effort’ message from a partner become acceptable in a relationship?

199 replies

Priylea · 20/08/2026 21:36

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

OP posts:
FrauPaige · 20/08/2026 23:45

Priylea · 20/08/2026 21:43

Not as many dates as we were. He made a lot of effort to begin with. I’ve been stung in the past so am wary.

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Wind this one down. If him accurately describing your typical evening together is uncomfortable, it's not the right relationship for you.

WilliamsWishWellingtons · 20/08/2026 23:51

Autumngirl5 · 20/08/2026 22:28

I think it is crude and very low bar and I would have to find someone more on my level.

Alack fair maiden, let us dine on a repast of prawn bhuna, vegetable samosa and garlic naan before tumbling into each other’s arms and indulging in a night of unrestrained passion and flatulence.

Is that a bit more on your level, Princess?

maxslice · 21/08/2026 00:41

It’s only okay if it’s typical of your usual banter together. Otherwise, it’s clumsy and crass.

GrannyTeapot · 21/08/2026 00:57

I’d definitely find it crass. And feel cheapened. I’ve had men basically use me before, and put very little effort in after the initial period, and it’s not a nice feeling at all. DP doesn’t like that sort of language either, so we’re a good match…he still successfully makes it clear he’d enjoy us having an early night, but in much nicer ways and we’ve been together eons.

flowersplease · 21/08/2026 01:40

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 20/08/2026 23:36

My fanny would clamp shut if I good-naturedly propositioned my boyfriend and got a po-faced "I don't appreciate your language" or was called low-effort.

Honestly, you're not a princess and life isn't a fairytale or a romcom. It's ok for both members of a couple to like sex, talk and joke about it and look forward to it. It's 2026, surely most women have moved on from the idea that sex is a precious, mystical gift only given as a reward for 'proper' behaviour.

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If my husband didn’t think of sex with me as a precious gift I wouldn’t sleep with him!

Maybe I am a princess with a romcom life but I can’t stand laddish behaviour like that, it’s gross to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t like/talk/joke about sex, just in a slightly more ‘tasteful’ way, same for DH.

It’s perfectly okay to not want to date a man, or woman, that acts like that.

DirtyBird · 21/08/2026 01:42

Yuck. But my ex was a sex pest so sexually related jokes or innuendo makes me cringe.

Christ0nABike · 21/08/2026 01:52

On balance I think I’d rather get the shag out of the way then tuck into the curry

BountifulPantry · 21/08/2026 02:00

I’d prefer a shag THEN a curry tbh.

Lamb bhuna and garlic naan bouncing about in my belly isn’t sexy.

IndestructibleRubberplants · 21/08/2026 02:05

Op i think what he said is fine but you don’t - why are you asking us to agree with you? It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, I don’t think it standards I think it style and it’s not yours, fair enough.

DdraigGoch · 21/08/2026 02:10

Maybe your idea of humour is on a different level to his.

JustMeSimply · 21/08/2026 02:22

Your not gf and bf your friends with benefits so perfect language lol

HelenaWaiting · 21/08/2026 02:37

Priylea · 20/08/2026 21:36

Been seeing someone for a few months and we are essentially boyfriend and girlfriend. Staying at each others houses at weekends etc.

Earlier, we were messaging about plans for tomorrow night.

He just sent:

“Curry and a shag ??”

He was being deadly serious, it’s only when I told him I didn’t appreciate that language he then said it was a joke and he thought I was being a bit touchy.

So my question is - would you find this acceptable in your relationship, and would you have found it acceptable after a few months of dating someone?

You're quite right to object. Insist on the shag first, so you don't get heartburn.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/08/2026 02:52

flowersplease · 21/08/2026 01:40

If my husband didn’t think of sex with me as a precious gift I wouldn’t sleep with him!

Maybe I am a princess with a romcom life but I can’t stand laddish behaviour like that, it’s gross to me. Doesn’t mean I don’t like/talk/joke about sex, just in a slightly more ‘tasteful’ way, same for DH.

It’s perfectly okay to not want to date a man, or woman, that acts like that.

Show quote history

Fair enough, if you see sex as something you give to others as a gift then good for you. It's interesting to hear others' take on it.

When I have sex it's because I feel like it.

flowersplease · 21/08/2026 03:09

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/08/2026 02:52

Fair enough, if you see sex as something you give to others as a gift then good for you. It's interesting to hear others' take on it.

When I have sex it's because I feel like it.

Show quote history

Also totally fair enough.

It’s not like I don’t feel like it, I would just feel like it a lot less if it wasn’t appreciated like a mystical gift. I feel lucky that after so long sex is still ‘romantic’ and not routine or casual (It’s also fine to prefer it to be casual or routine though, it’s just not for me).

AlgaeDreams · 21/08/2026 03:27

Are you both having the raw onions though?

Globules · 21/08/2026 03:49

FrauPaige · 20/08/2026 23:45

Wind this one down. If him accurately describing your typical evening together is uncomfortable, it's not the right relationship for you.

Show quote history

I completely agree with this.

What he's said is fine. I'd appreciate the simplicity.

You have found it hard to hear. You are not the right one for him.

Thelakeisle26 · 21/08/2026 04:03

Never. I would never, absolutely never, eve accept this or think it was even vaguely amusing. My fanny would dry up like the Sahara, forever.

Some women appear to enjoy crude, we're all ladz ere innit behaviour. You don't. He won't improve.

So that's that.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 21/08/2026 04:38

MiddleAgedDread · 20/08/2026 21:54

So long as it’s shag then curry, can’t be having sex on
a full stomach.

God me neither….the indigestion would be fit to kill me 😉

GoodyGoodyMumTum · 21/08/2026 04:44

I think the main red flag isn't that he sent the first message, it's that when you told him how it made you feel, he dismissed your feelings and said you were too sensitive.

MaggieBsBoat · 21/08/2026 04:47

I‘d love a curry and a shag. You sound a bit like you’ve had a humour bypass.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 21/08/2026 04:53

I would be asking how good is the curry and how good is the shag. If the curry is more appealing than the shag then he isn’t the one for you. You can go to The Bengal Balti anytime.

EmailsaysOOO · 21/08/2026 04:56

We don't know what you're used to, as in how formal/ informal/ jokey/ serious the conversation tends to be. If things have been formal you might find it shocking, if you're used to plain speaking it could be ok.. Hard to say.

Thelakeisle26 · 21/08/2026 04:59

MaggieBsBoat · 21/08/2026 04:47

I‘d love a curry and a shag. You sound a bit like you’ve had a humour bypass.

No. She doesn't.

You sound like you've had a humour bypass.

Or, actually, everyone is absolutely and totally entitled to not find crude humour funny, or to find crude humour and dialogue funny/acceptable.

She doesn't. You do. Both are perfectly valid responses. Your response is not superior or more acceptable to OPs or my own.

Thelakeisle26 · 21/08/2026 05:02

GoodyGoodyMumTum · 21/08/2026 04:44

I think the main red flag isn't that he sent the first message, it's that when you told him how it made you feel, he dismissed your feelings and said you were too sensitive.

Yep. His comment was gross and piggish. That's my opinion and it's a perfectly valid one. But anyone can be forgiven for a gross or piggish comment from time to time.

Refusing to allow her to have an opinion about his gross piggishness is the real problem.

He won't improve and she definitely shouldn't have to limbo dance under the very low standards bar to tolerate his gross piggishness.

Bin.

PollyBell · 21/08/2026 05:08

If i knew the person well enough to know how ot was intended I would have replied 'keep on dreaming' or 'you wish' or some such smart remark

I dont over analyse every comment I just go with how I am feeling at the time, I may be female but on that instance I might have wanted one myself

So it depends overall how things are