AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

Your parents chose to birth you, you did not choose to be born to provide care in their old age. Your step mum is not your parent, if you felt inclined to help then good on you but you clearly don't.
Nobody is entitled to your life.

I think it's one of those situations where she sees the dynamic differently from the rest of you, maybe. After all, she will never have known a time where you weren't part of 'her' family unit. Does she know the circumstances in which her parents got together? If so she should understand why you might be reluctant to take on caring duties.

And nor should you feel obliged to do so. Lord knows it's hard enough when it is your own parents or someone you are close to, let alone someone with whom it sounds like you have a civil but emotionally distant relationship.

I have sympathy for anyone caring for an ailing loved one, but that doesn't mean she should expect others to climb aboard, and I suspect those she's ranting too secretly think the same. And if they don't, well, there's nothing stopping them volunteering.

Me too.

There is one circumstance where I think you should be helping which I don't think is the case here. If your father before his death asked you to look after your stepmother and you agreed, then some help would be honouring an undertaking you made to him.

Agreed.

I think you're being a bit harsh OP, we all have to get old one day.

you mean they should give sister money? Chauffeur her to appointments? You said offer your sister support maybe?
money? A few home cooked meals? Occasionally take her to an appointment or get a shop in?

People are weird about elder care.

A family member who lived abroad for good reasons felt she could dictate the level of family care provided to her mother back home.

Everyone ignored her, she was free to sulk to her heart’s content on her own time, who were we to dictate someone else’s feelings, but obviously we did not give her a space to air her grievances. Absolutely nothing to do with us. Frankly @AnotherPosterUsername I advise the same in your situation let your sister roar into a vacuum of her choosing, nothing to do with you.

Oh and other family members soon see through the bull shit too.

No one needs to provide care to anyone, not even their own parents.

You certainly don't have to do it for a step parent. Tell half sister you cared for your mum and did/would have (as applicable) cared for your dad. Is there any reason you still need to have contact at all e.g. is part of the house due to you when stepmum passes?

I think it’s a bit unreasonable for your half sister to bad mouth you to others and for them to then start to message you.

Feel free to ignore those messages, or answer as above pointing out that it was your DM who raised you after your DF left her to become a single parent, which can’t have been easy for her.

Often older people want to remain in their home and have family care for them even if they can afford paid for care comfortably. That preference does not override your wishes though. If you feel that you cannot offer any care for her at all then that’s fair enough.

No. If you read my post I have suggested they help support their sister.
However the OP has responded to my suggestion to state that they aren’t close to her, and have already suggested carers.

Absolutely this - cut 'n' paste to everyone messaging you nastiness.

You have no obligation whatsoever and nothing to feel guilty about.

I would be willing to bet a tidy sum that if you were to step up and do "your share", half-sibling would suddenly develop a very busy schedule and melt into the background, leaving you to do the majority of the unpleasant stuff alone. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, perhaps. Their parent harmed your childhood - thus why shouldn't they ruin your adulthood...? Possibly not - but their eagerness to blacken your name to all and sundry is very telling.

Best wishes to you. x

Irrespective of the familial relationship and history, no one should feel obliged or be pressured to provide care. Not everyone is able to do it either. I chose to, my sibling chose not to. Both of those decisions are OK.

So while you were growing up, your mum cared for you 60% of the time and your dad and stepmother cared for you 40% off the time?

Your dad left your mum to raise very young children alone. This woman allowed this to happen and played a part in breaking up a family. Your mum presumably will have had lots of pain and difficulty because of the pair of them. I wouldn’t be offering any care.

I don’t think you’d be unreasonable even if she was your mother, not a step mother.

Honestly, after 40 years of marriage and 60/40 custody, I don’t think I could do nothing. For me it would depend on what help is needed, when, where. I’d do something that wouldn’t inconvenience me too much but prob not more. Basically what I’d do for an elderly neighbour with children who live abroad or something.

Funny how the bonds of family and marriage etc meant fuck-all to your SM when she was fucking your married dad, but now she needs care it’s a different story.

It doesn’t sounds like she was a great mother figure to you, or grandmother figure to your DC, she was your dad’s mistress and latterly his wife.

She’s not your responsibility.

You think op and her sibling should fund her dad’s ex wife? Or provide a taxi service?

I highly doubt her mother would have any interest in being cared for by the adult children from her husbands first marriage.

Just say she needs professional carers and you can’t do it.

I would point out to anyone who says anything that your step mum was the reason why you didn't grow up with 2 parents in the same house

Yes the OPs father wasn’t in any way responsible.

Prob no inheritance anyway. Unless your dad made a watertight will, it goes to the spouse - and I presume you already know having had your dad pass away.

Sorry OP, no, no care should be given unless you want to. It's up to you, out of love, not obligation.

Tell your half sister that you really don't want to. I would point out to anyone who says anything that your step mum was the reason why you didn't grow up with 2 parents in the same house and she was lucky that you are nice people and were pleasant to her.

You owe her nothing. She split your family but you were accepting of that because you are nice people but why would you care for her