AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

I think that as mums know, unless someone is doing everything, then the other partner is doing something to make things work. So perhaps she did more than it looked.

Aside from that, "care" comes in different forms - money, random visits, delivery of cake / essentials etc, and maybe your step sibling is just looking for some compassion for the person that was in your life for 40years in some way.

'Virtually a stranger'?

Come on.

OP spent 40% of her time from the age of 6 living with her. She might have not been the warmest of step parents and that doesn't mean OP has to provide her care but they weren't strangers.

MN is so horrible about step mums (yes I do realise this one was shagging the dad but a- he's also responsible for that and b- she lived with OP for most of her childhood and cooked her meals at the very least).

You don't have to become a carer but I wouldn't bring the affair in to it as a justification. OK it wasn't the right thing to do but it was 40 years ago. You wouldn't even remember a time before her. They were together far longer than your parents. Marriages end and it's pointless being bitter 40 years later.

"why do you think she raised me? You have no significant memories of when I lived part of the time with your mum. You were a toddler for most of it. She didn't raise me. When I was at your house, my dad raised me, not your mum. It was her choice to stand back from parenting me, and that was her right. But don't go telling me that I owe her because she raised me, because she didn't. She cooked some of my meals, and that was it"

The only reason to do it is to support your sibling. But it sounds like you have closed a door on that relationship.

You have no obligation here. I feel a bit of sympathy for your half sibling because I was alone helping one parent and it’s very overwhelming. But you can absolutely say no with no guilt attached.

Sounds like someone is trying to outsource their job to you! Tell her nice try…

It sounds like your mind is made up and you've closed that door, then. 🤷‍♀️

Could not have said it better.

"practically raised you"....after decimating your family unit. The half sibling won't ever understand that reality. I'd be casually kind, but not feel responsible in the way the half sibling wants.

You can never expect help- i have a sibling and although he is as much Mum's child as i am he moved to the US and completely refused to help.
Expecting you to help with your step mothers care is cheeky of your step sibling- you will have no expectations of any inheritance from her, but your step sibling will- so they are very cheeky indeed, even if she had brought you up (which she didn't) you still can have no expectations from her. Your step sibling just wants to keep the cost down so their inheritance is protected- tell them to get lost.

What a charming post. The OP said at times when they couldn’t help their mum they paid for
help. She didn’t say she didn’t help at all.

Are you saying we all have an obligation to provide care for people we have liked at some time in our lives? How does that work?

That's fair, but how could you really know what she's like? Maybe building bridges would be beneficial? I imagine she feels the odd one out. Perhaps she's put on a personal and put up walls to cope?

I wish PPs would stop trying to guilt the OP into caring for her step-mother.

Even if it were her own mother, she is entitled to say no for a billiion reasons. The half-sister is being unfair and manipulative. My own DM is 80 and very independent, expected to live another 20 years. I have already told her and my two brothers that if she needs care, we will pay for people to go round rather than do it ourselves or move her to a home.

When she had breast cancer and was very unwell with the chemotherapy she refused my help as she was embarrassed that I would see her that vulnerable. I understand that, even though I was fine about it. And she has agreed that she would prefer to have people come in. We have agreed she will not go into a home, even if we have to pay for 24-hour care because she grew up in care homes as child and never wants to go back.

OP - if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. No is a complete sentence.

Oh, bullshit. 🙄

Her late dad's wife helped tear up OP's family. It sounds like she did as little as possible for her husband's kids.

And OP currently has a busy life. Home care is extremely draining and extremely expensive. She has neither the time or money to do home care or pay for it for a woman she has no responsibility too.

And, instead of accepting no for an answer, the sister is trying to enlist other family to guilt trip OP and her siblings into home care they don't want to do nor have time to.

Sister will have to deal with her mom. She can enlist those concerned relatives trying to guilt OP. They should be helping out if it's so important to them.

I work as a carer and have seen first hand many times just how toxic a situation can be when people are caring for people who they don't love/respect or have a rough relationship with. It's a shame you aren't close with your sister or you might have helped a little for her sakes but tbh getting involved where there is any resentment is definitely something best avoided.

Yanbu. You do not owe personal nursing care even to your own parents, let alone to someone more distant. Each of us will do what we are willing to do and the elderly person's assets pay for the rest.

Stop making stuff up.

When our mum was ill, we paid for things to be done that we couldn’t cover ourselves so it seems the obvious solution.

This is not selfish at all.

The OP has said that she and her sister paid for things that they could not cover for their mother. Their half sibling will have to do the same for her own mother or find an alternative solution, just like millions of people who are in exactly the same position.

I think you’re right not to want to offer care. I’m a carer for my mum, it’s hard work and I can’t imagine doing it for someone I’m not close to.

However, I think this thread should also serve as a cautionary tale to all the women out there who are being expected by their partners to raise their step-kids as their own. Don’t put yourself last to raise step-kids, let their father raise them. Don’t sacrifice time with your own families, your hobbies, your career and your free time.