AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

She couldn't have split the family up
if the dad hadn't let her. They are both responsible, more so the dad.
But if they were married for 40 years, then I guess they stood the test of time. Maybe they were right for each other.
Doesn't mean you have to help with care though OP! You have no obligation at all to do that!

I would message something like:

I cared for my own mum.
I will help care for my own dad.
Your mum is not my relation or my problem.
My dad is a cheater but he's my cheater.
Your mum's a homewrecker but she's not mine.

Yes that could be the case, but then the OP would already know via his will and caring or not wont make any difference.

I'd block her and leave her to it

End of the day, its her mom, not yours.

Id be giving your half sister around of fucks
Your quite right to say no.
The woman isn't your relative and so not your problem.
Good idea to suggest paid care but don't get guilted into paying for it.

Well she'll have to get used to disappointment, won't she.

Did she help with your mum?

Did her mum show any great parenting to your brother or sister?

I’m guessing no, no and no.

I think you are absolutely right not to be guilted into giving care just because some people have a distorted view of how faaaamlee is supposed to behave. It ain’t Eastenders

This woman showed zero interest in OP as a child. It doesn’t seem like she’s shown any interest in her since she’s been an adult either. What you would do to your mother is nothing to do with this thread, I don’t know why you keep commenting like it is.

Yep.....but no law to say you can't help them when they're old either

Well, it’s kinda the law that your mum had to wipe your bum.

Your father might well ‘want’ you to take care of her but it would be another instance of him putting her interests above those of his own daughter…

I am an only child so I am the only person who helps my mum.

It's the way the cookie crumbles.

And even if you have four kids, two could end up in Australia and one die young so there's still only one to help.

Also the OP could be married and need to support a DH's elderly relatives even if that's just holding the fort while he does stuff.

OP if you live locally you could say that you'll take her to the odd hospital appointment or drop off shopping. Just to show a bit of willing. But I also think that if you were a half brother nobody would expect this of you, it's just another of those double standards for men and women.

I certainly wouldn't do care. That's what paid and trained carers are for. People always act as if you are selfish not to. Well how do you manage to look after someone who can't get to the loo on their own by yourself while you are working? Of course your half sibling needs to arrange paid care or other help like mowing the lawn or whatever.

Someone who’s a trained carer - I am not one, so will not do it.

I am happy to pay people to do the stuff I don’t want to do. I add that to the list.

Goodness no you have zero responsibility to provide care. When it comes up again just look puzzled and say “but she’s your mother?”. Throw in some comments about understanding how hard it is from your experience of caring for your mother. If you like add that to be honest you never really liked her that much, she was a very cold stepmother. Mention the anffair. After a few rounds of this conversation I expect the subject will be dropped.

Yanbu and good for you for sticking to it. She may be your SM but that was HER choice to insert herself into your life.
A woman cruel enough to have a hand in breaking up a home with very young kids, doesn’t deserve a thing of you.
As for your sister, just because she is related to you again it doesn’t mean you owe her anything. It seems like you barely know her, have anything in common and just obligated by having a dad in common.
I wouldn’t even give it more thought

You were a child, it was very much on her to create that relationship with you but she didn’t do that. And now, her daughter is finding out the result of not creating that relationship 🤷‍♀️.

Don't let people guilt trip you. You don't have to like her or care for her. Don't waste time wondering what your dad would think. He certainly didn't worry about what people thought of him or he wouldn't have left his family for another woman.

It’s not a one size fits all. I had a step grandmother (grandad met her after grandmother died), and I’d say she was the one of the best things that ever happened to me. Much lovelier than my grandma on the other side.

Buts it’s not a one size fits all. If they weren’t close they weren’t close.

I find this a bit odd as I have a similar dynamic - my mum and stepdad had an affair 50 years ago and have been married for 46 years now. They each had two children and then had one together. I’m not sure any of us would treat the stepparent any differently from the parent. It’s strange that after all this time the family hasn’t fused together; the affair is ancient history.

Don’t feel bad op. Your busy. You have no real relationship with her or your half sister.

She can get careers in.

Tough titties to those who think you should help, they can always go round if they feel strongly.

I have family friends - 5 kids, 2 still in secondary when the mum died tragically. Dad married someone in a caregiving role to one of the kids. Dad has since passed away and all the kids just want to take a step back. They said they’d spend a Christmas or two with her but then they wanted her to “spend it with her own family”.
That’s how they felt. They lost their mum tragically. The older sisters who were you adults always looked out for the younger ones. None of them really wanted SM in their lives and now they’re done with her.