AIBU to refuse care for my late dad’s wife?

I don't know... Do you like her? Did you like her as a child? Has she been a kind and interested second mum? Would she be/is she a loving and involved third grandma to your kids?

If yes, then I'd probably be happy to get involved in some hands-off stuff like getting the weekly shopping sorted etc. But if it's no to pretty much any of the above, then I'd probably wash my hands of her.
Yes, your dad probably would be a bit disappointed, but, with love, he's not here to do anything about it.

Of course it applies, it was in direct response to a comment that the stepmother was THE reason OPs parent spilt. Her father was the reason for that, he was the one who stepped out on the marriage. .

And there is no evidence the dad's widow is expecting anything, it's the half sister demanding care help.

I guess the ow didnt have compassion for OPs mum when she was in the affair, pretyt heartless. Sometimes karma comes back to you years later.

I agree. You could provide a little support for your sister. It’s not her fault your dad left your mum.

Selfish would be letting your children care for you. Not a life I’d want for mine.

I can't see how this argument applies here. They were both responsible, OP's father for breaking up the family and Step Mother for having an affair with a married man.

Step mother is now expecting care from her affair partner's children, they're entitled to hold her accountable for her actions and say no. That doesn't absolve OP's father, but he isn't the one expecting to be cared for is he.

But the relative she was married to is dead. She's the father's widow, ergo not a relative.

I'm sorry that you don't understand it, but that doesn't make it wrong.

I can't believe all the posters who are saying no-one is obligated to care for elderly parents should they need it. I had a difficult relationship with both mine but can't imagine being so selfish as to not want to care for them

She IS a relative, by marriage, a step-mother = relative

Selfish of the ‘mum’ to allow her children to be her carers. There’s paid services for that. It’s what we save for.
Irrelevant if she raised you.
If the sibling is overwhelmed then that’s unfortunate. Her resentment is misplaced.

It’s hard enough providing care to someone you really love. I would say sorry but we did this for our own mum and we really don’t feel that close to our stepmom, and it’s likely she wouldn’t want us to do her personal care either.
we know it’s hard as we have been through this with our own mum, so if you ever want to chat we’re here but otherwise you need to arrange paid carers.

I suppose it might, in theory - the stepmother still gets to decide what she does with HER will. Although it would be unusual for her to leave much to a stepchild.

Sometimes dying people just ask their beneficiaries verbally to do what they see as "the right thing" ("yes, if course I'll leave everything to you darling, but split it equally between all the kids when you go"). And then, often, it doesn't happen. A foolish way to arrange things when there's second marriages and stepchildren, but happens a lot.

Having read all of your updates OP I don’t think you have any obligations towards your step mother because she never actually ‘cared’ for you. Your updates say your father did your laundry and ironing and he took you to school along with his parents who generally helped look after you and your siblings rather than her. You say she did cook for everyone but he had to wash up so she was not a caring, involved, loving step mum and in fact you say she was cold towards you.
I think you should very gently point this out to your sister because if you left when she was 5 she was too young to understand this dynamic.
I would however be willing to do the odd prescription pick up or task but only to the level I would do for an elderly neighbour.
I don’t think SM would actually want you being too closely involved for what it’s worth.

I am sure that your step-MIL will not want you providing care for her. Why would she? It's going to be weird for her too. Say no and don't feel bad about it.

The fact that the dad was also responsible seems irrelevant.

I don't disagree but her father was the reason. We don't blame women for the actions of men

I wouldn’t be stepping in to help, and if I was your half sister I wouldn’t be wanting someone who didn’t want to help to be looking after my mum. They can use any inheritance towards carers for her.

Did your half sister help with your mum?
who looked after your dad?

if you were 13 when she was born she doesn’t know that her mum didn’t do any step parenting or that she wasn’t a lovely warm step mum to you. So sadly she thinks something happened that didn’t.

if I was close to the half sister I would support her.

I have much younger half siblings ( similar age to my DC) so I know how complicated these things can be. Their mother for example hates me so if this was me being asked to look after her I would decline instantly plus she wouldn’t even want me in her house. It all depends on the relationships or the lack of one over the years.

What if your mum falls ill tomorrow and needs care, would your half-sister help with costs and arrangements for that? I doubt it.

You owe that woman nothing. She’s not your parent - she’s partly the reason you didn’t grow up with both parents still together in your home. Your mum raised you, not AP/SM. Also, care is hard graft even when it’s for someone you love unconditionally and have a great relationship with. It’s not an obligation or anything you should feel pressured or guilted into giving, no matter who it’s for.

Life is hard enough as it is without adding in caring for someone who helped break your family up. Your half-sister needs to sort it out like you did for your mum when she was ill.

OP has been really clear that her stepmother did not bring her up, she did none of the work and gave none of the support. She has stated this clearly if you look at her answers.

Yet your stepmother brought you up 40% of your childhood. Surely you can find some time or/and money to contribute to her now? There might be admin areas you could help with? Regular phone calls or visits? Taking her out occasionally? It's always unfair when just one family member is left with all the responsibility of support and care.

God no you don't need to provide any care at all. It's a hard enough job when you care about the person you're caring for!

I haven’t read all of the posts. You are most definitely not being unreasonable to not care for this woman. I hope I got the double negatives right. Don’t give it another thought. You have no obligation to anyone other than your own family.

Don’t you think it was selfish and individualistic to have an affair with a man who was married with children?

This woman can reap what she has sown. OP owes nothing to the woman who helped break up her own family, or to the daughter of that relationship who makes shitty comments and has no concept of how fortunate she was to grow up with both parents living together while that was denied to the OP and her siblings.