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Original poster

DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

243 replies

Writer034 · 20/08/2026 17:47

My DS (almost 14) doesn't want to go on holiday with his dad, my ex-DH, and has twice told him this directly.

My ex-DH is saying my DS has to go, no question. They are meant to go on Sunday. Other people going will be my DD(nearly 16), a friend of hers, two grandparents (ex DH's mum and dad), and ex-DH's new-ish live-in partner and her child (DD, 5).

My DS is asking me to speak to the dad for him as he really doesn't want to go.

I've no idea how to handle this. Custody is 50/50 (informally) and I think my DC are both old enough to decide what they do and don't want to do (DS is almost 14 and DD is nearly 16).

If my DC didn't want to go with me somewhere and wanted to stay with the dad instead, I wouldn't dream of trying to force them.

My DS is giving two reasons for not wanting to go. One, because he just wants to chill at home and see his friends, as I've already taken DC on two trips. (One was a short trip to my home country where they have family they can only see once a year, therefore not 'just' a holiday. The other is the exotic holiday we've just come back from. In total kids have been away with me for 19 days but this was all agreed with ex DH beforehand)

The other reason is that he just doesn't enjoy being with his dad when dad's new GF and her young kid are there (they now live with my ex-DH and the entire dynamic has changed since they've moved in).

Ex-DH is already blaming me, saying this is the result of me having taken them away too much this summer.

What do I do? Do I speak to ex-DH to say DS doesn't want to go, and he should give him a break, as he'll only alienate him if he forces him? If I don't try to speak up for my DS, he'll feel he's got no one backing him up and, honestly, I don't think my child should need anyone's permission to stay at home with his mum - this is his home, even if he's normally here just 50% of the time.

I also feel it's my ex-DH's own fault for this situation because the kids used to have a brilliant relationship with him and adored going away with him. We did 8 years of fantastic coparenting, until he met his current partner; she moved in after a very short amount of time, they now also work together, and everything is focused towards her and her DD(5). My DC have said that they feel like visitors in their dad's house. Things between my ex and me have been very strained because of this (I have tried to advocate for the children), and I'm weary of making them worse, but I also really want to help my child feel supported and stay at home with me if he wants to.

Am I wrong to think he's old enough to decide? Please help - what's a reasonable course of action here?

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 20/08/2026 18:52

angelcake20 · 20/08/2026 18:45

Honestly, I think he needs to go and I’m puzzled by those saying he can’t be forced. I certainly wouldn’t contemplate a 14 year old being allowed to refuse a family holiday. Hopefully his grandparents want to spend time with him and he needs to consider them too, as well as his Dad.

The feeling that he is being pushed out by the gf and child is a separate issue and should be dealt with separately.

What's so puzzling about saying he can't be forced?
How would you force him if he refuses?

Platypus7 · 20/08/2026 18:51

Actually, reading your most recent post I’m leaning more towards just go and get him. If it was just a holiday with dad and grandparents etc it would be different but if there are already issues around the new partner it would jjst make things worse.

We are a blended family - if one of my step children said they didn’t want to come on holiday with me and my DC I would be really disappointed but I wouldn’t force them. I always think, at the end of the day they didn’t choose this. They didn’t choose this new family dynamic and we should always be mindful of that.

But if he doesn’t go I would make sure DD is ok with it.

Iris2020 · 20/08/2026 18:51

Your exH has made his bed and will have to lie in it.
He knew it was a risk of moving in a partner with child.

Gloriia · 20/08/2026 18:51

Just text your ex that ds isn't going and go pick him up! Support your ds here, it is up to him totally if he wants to go or not.
Don't engage with ex further than that.

Minnie798 · 20/08/2026 18:51

Writer034 · 20/08/2026 18:14

But this is exactly part of the problem. His the new GF and her child have been living there, ALL activities are aimed at the 5 year old. It's not the only problem but the dad has really not considered how different teenagers are and that they are people with their own needs. My DD is very, very loyal to dad and a peace maker so she goes along with everything (then she gets mad at her brother, because actually she doesn't want to go along with things but feels that someone has to)

Show quote history

I would be tempted to just tell your ex he isn't going. Why do some people insist on forcing their kids into a blended family situation. It clearly isn't benefitting them. Only their father.

Branleuse · 20/08/2026 18:48

I would tell your son that you are not getting involved. It's between him and his dad, and the holiday is paid for and organised and he needed to either speak up before it was booked, or he can go and try and enjoy it as much as he can. There will be a pool and the seaside and he's old enough to go off and explore a bit by himself, and he will get to see his grandparents

I would remind him that he had a great relationship with his dad before and it might be a good opportunity to talk to him about how he feels, but also it's not the other side of the world or in the middle of nowhere. It won't be like staying at his dad's house.

I'd encourage him to go and I'd encourage him to remember that you cannot do anything about what his dad does, and you're sorry that he's not excited, but he needs to try and make the best of it, and he won't ever have to do this again

Nearly50omg · 20/08/2026 18:48

angelcake20 · 20/08/2026 18:45

Honestly, I think he needs to go and I’m puzzled by those saying he can’t be forced. I certainly wouldn’t contemplate a 14 year old being allowed to refuse a family holiday. Hopefully his grandparents want to spend time with him and he needs to consider them too, as well as his Dad.

The feeling that he is being pushed out by the gf and child is a separate issue and should be dealt with separately.

It’s not a family holiday though!!! VERY different to that!! It’s a holiday with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend and his dad’s girlfriend’s child!

Likeiloveyou · 20/08/2026 18:47

angelcake20 · 20/08/2026 18:45

Honestly, I think he needs to go and I’m puzzled by those saying he can’t be forced. I certainly wouldn’t contemplate a 14 year old being allowed to refuse a family holiday. Hopefully his grandparents want to spend time with him and he needs to consider them too, as well as his Dad.

The feeling that he is being pushed out by the gf and child is a separate issue and should be dealt with separately.

How can he be forced? Are you saying you would use violence against your child to make them do something you want?

Nearly50omg · 20/08/2026 18:46

LEGALLY he is old enough to make his own decisions about his dad and if this went to court the judge would not force this poor child to spend any time with his dad if he didn’t want to let alone go on holiday with him!

back up your child and say he’s made it quite clear he doesn’t want to go on holiday with you and your gf etc so he won’t be. Dad needs to learn that no means NO!

Likeiloveyou · 20/08/2026 18:46

Your ex is bullying your DS. You need to support him.

Tell DS he can come home now if he wants. I would be tempted to go elsewhere with him if you think ex will turn up at your house and cause a scene.

angelcake20 · 20/08/2026 18:45

Honestly, I think he needs to go and I’m puzzled by those saying he can’t be forced. I certainly wouldn’t contemplate a 14 year old being allowed to refuse a family holiday. Hopefully his grandparents want to spend time with him and he needs to consider them too, as well as his Dad.

The feeling that he is being pushed out by the gf and child is a separate issue and should be dealt with separately.

PinkyFlamingo · 20/08/2026 18:44

Writer034 · 20/08/2026 18:03

I have definitely encouraged this, the problem is dad is being quite authoritarian about this and won't listen at all (not listening has been an issue anyway). My son has spoken up about this twice but I don't know that he's got the bottle to go into it again, without some support.

Show quote history

He can be as "authoritarian" as he likes, he still can't force your DS to go on holiday, he can't physically drag him there.

Wild3 · 20/08/2026 18:44

My exH and I agreed we would do everything we could to encourage kids to go to visit/stay/holidays with other parent as planned until they were 16. I never waivered or let any kid think they could choose, even on the few occasions there were tantrums or (as they got older) begging. This was because we both agreed it was important to maintain relationships with both parents/grandparents etc. and it would benefit us both over the years to take this approach. Our eldest is now 16 and we do give her the choice. I think you should strongly encourage your son to go, it is so important that he maintains a good relationship with his dad and grandparents. I would however speak to exH and suggests he organises some good activities for him whilst there as he’s not enjoying the blended family thing

Original poster
Writer034 · 20/08/2026 18:44

FlatCatYellowMat · 20/08/2026 18:38

I don't have 50/50, I have 99.9% of care but - my line in the sand (and written into the child arrangement) is that the children have to agree to any contact. My feeling was always that the children had to have someone who was absolutely on their side, and know that I would always come and get them if they asked.

Having said that, this was mainly for when they were young and the relationship was being re-established after he left for 18months. It's a bit different now they're teens, and different again with 50/50.

If my 14 year old said he wasn't coming on holiday with me, I would make him, because he's too young to stay home alone, and his dad wouldn't have him, and his older brother and I shouldn't have to miss out because he's a grumpy teen who wants to sit on his computer all day. But it's a different circumstance to going on holiday with a dramatically younger sibling and dad's new partner.

If he doesn't go, it's going to affect the relationship. I would have preferred to have this conversation privately, face to face with him, but I would make sure he's clear on that, and if he is clear, that it's going to blow up all sorts of issues, then I would have his back.

Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. It's really difficult because I'm here, at home, 5 mins away from ex-DH's house, and I find it very emotionally difficult to say to my son 'no you can't come here, instead you must go with dad' when what I really feel is that he shouldn't have to go with dad, and he should be allowed to come home (one of his two homes) whenever he wants to. DS is not happy and hasn't been for some time (since GF moved in). We've had all sort of issues. Yes he's also being a teenager, and a bit selfish, etc. But I don't tend to have any problems with my kids and they very much wanted to come along to the two holidays with me, including the one to my home country which I promise you is FAR from a glamourous location. But we love hanging out together. They are amazing travellers and we love spending that time. The problem is, ex DH has really deprioritised them so he now has very little good will from the kids to do something they're not keen on as an activity. does that make sense? I can push the kids to do something they don't particularly don't want to because we have a top relationship and they (still) want to please me (haven't grown out of that yet). Their dad has blown that goodwill with moving in his GF after such a short time of being with her and deprioritising the DS in most ways.

OP posts:
Holeymoley28 · 20/08/2026 18:43

Cynically what’s the odds on dad actually staying alone in the caravan with his son rather than shifting the girlfriend and her daughter in.

Three caravans for 8 people is a bit much. When you get three bed caravans not counting the sofa.

Cosyblankets · 20/08/2026 18:42

The schools have been off for about 4 weeks. You've taken your kids away for 19 days. So nearly 3 weeks. Nearly 3 weeks away from friends.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to go.

If you were still together and he didn't want to go away with the two of you would that also be OK?

Sulgari · 20/08/2026 18:41

If your ex is that keen to go on holiday with his children then he can bin off the gf and her kid for the holiday

Arregaithel · 20/08/2026 18:41

Has your son's relationship with his Dad, deteriorated significantly since the divorce @Writer034 and has always been reluctant to visit and spend time there?

If that is indeed the case, then go scoop him up and bring him home.

Otherwise, if you feel this will jeopardise their future relationship then it may be worth being firmer with your son (it is you who are giving your son an alternative opt-out, essentially)

Comewhatmay25 · 20/08/2026 18:41

I think he needs to just go. He was happy to go in the beginning when he was going to try to bring a friend. Unfortunately, its towards the end of the summer and he is tired and wants some time at home, also he couldn't find a friend to go with him. We all agree to something then when it comes around we regret speaking up in the first place. The right thing to do is just to suck it up and go. Being uncomfortable is something we all have to do from time to time. Tell him next time he should say no, but this time he said yes so should honor his commitment.

Sparkletastic · 20/08/2026 18:40

I think he should probably go this time as he’s got accommodation with his dad and it might be good for their relationship. DS could use it as an opportunity to talk about how he’s been feeling a bit pushed out. If he hates it then he can decide that this is his last holiday with his dad for now.

PigletJohn · 20/08/2026 18:40

Thirteen year old boys are well known for being able to put forward their view articulately and persuade a forceful, domineering authority figure to change their mind.

Ooooops, no they aren't.

FlatCatYellowMat · 20/08/2026 18:38

I don't have 50/50, I have 99.9% of care but - my line in the sand (and written into the child arrangement) is that the children have to agree to any contact. My feeling was always that the children had to have someone who was absolutely on their side, and know that I would always come and get them if they asked.

Having said that, this was mainly for when they were young and the relationship was being re-established after he left for 18months. It's a bit different now they're teens, and different again with 50/50.

If my 14 year old said he wasn't coming on holiday with me, I would make him, because he's too young to stay home alone, and his dad wouldn't have him, and his older brother and I shouldn't have to miss out because he's a grumpy teen who wants to sit on his computer all day. But it's a different circumstance to going on holiday with a dramatically younger sibling and dad's new partner.

If he doesn't go, it's going to affect the relationship. I would have preferred to have this conversation privately, face to face with him, but I would make sure he's clear on that, and if he is clear, that it's going to blow up all sorts of issues, then I would have his back.

pinkfondu · 20/08/2026 18:38

And if he hadn’t of wanted to come on your holiday to see relatives?

yrs I am divorced and do not get on with my ex

Platypus7 · 20/08/2026 18:37

Is there a compromise to be had- could he go for a shorter amount of time and you pick him up? Or could his dad promise there would be some one on one time - maybe book an activity just the two of them? Would his sister and friend include him in their activities?

We are a divorced family- on the one hand I wouldn’t force my DC to go with their dad if they didn’t want to, but on the other I think if they have agreed to something they should
do it and think about the other people involved, especially
grandparents and the sister.

Thunderdcc · 20/08/2026 18:36

How about he gives this one a chance - the caravan set up should allow for some 1 on 1 time. Grandparents will want to see him (hopefully!)

If it doesn't happen he can say in the car on the way home this is what I was afraid of, you've made no effort to spend time with me, I'm telling you now I'm not coming next year. Then your DH won't have a leg to stand on, as he has had the opportunity to prove DS wrong and not taken it?