DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

How many days/nights is the trip?

One of my dc at 14 did not want to go on a family holiday.

(we were not divorced).
he staged a sit in protest at an attraction car park, and refused to get out of the car.

in these situations I tend to just sit with it, but his dad exploded and did a lot of shouting which did not make the situation better. Because there were other people around his dad didn’t ferl he could use force (not sure he would have anyway) so we all spent three hours in a cold car park with my husband getting increasingly angry.

honestly, this sort of shit happens in many kinds of families, divorced and non divorced.

if your DS is physically at his dads and they are due to be going and have no time with you before then then you do not need to intervene.

in all honesty if you do intervene it will most likely make the situation worse.

for the moment, step back. Answer the phone to your son, and talk to him about how he is feeling. Don’t offer a refuge with you at this point - he’ll take it immediately and it’ll transfer the conflict to between you and your ex.

with a bit of luck if your DS is stubborn and unpleasant enough his dad will conclude it’s not worth taking him on holidays anyway.

does your DS have keys to your house? If it all goes very pear shaped can he get out of dad’s house and to safety?

what you don’t want is them having a row at 11 at night and DS storming out and having nowhere to go,

I’d tell your DH this. ‘Steve, you know very well that Jake hasn’t been happy since you moved Delilah in. What do you expect me to do? That was your choice. You’d be an idiot to try to force him to go because he will resent it. Let it go.’

I really wouldn't get involved . This is between your DS and his dad. As long as he's not treating your son badly and he's a good dad it's not right to interfere in their relationship imv.

It doesn't even need to get personal or nasty. I don't think it's a good time for home truths. Emotions are already running high enough.

As a mum to three, I know that forcing teenagers to do something they are determined not to enjoy, like a holiday, is a losing game. They ruin it being miserable and rude then you get pissed off at them.
Waste. Of. Time.

Just tell the ex they'll have a better time without him. They will!

Back your son. It's not on you to persuade your son to have a better relationship with his father, as long as you are not undermining him (your ex). That responsibility is entirely his father's, and if he's been screwing it up lately by prioritising his girlfriend and her child, then he needs to understand this; because he's clearly either not listening to his kids, not picking up on their distress at the current dynamic, or ignoring it deliberately because he's selfish.

It's complicated, isn't it?

The reality of shared custody is that you can't insist your ex does not take your son away on holiday. It's not up to you to choose.

If your ex wants your son to go on this holiday and your son doesn't want to go, then that's a battle of wills which needs to be fought between the two of them. It doesn't require the intervention of a third party. Don't let them cast you as their referee. Personally, I'd make it clear to both parties that I will not be trying to talk my son into going on the holiday and will not punish him if he chooses not to go, and then I would stay well out of it.

Bet it wouldn’t change the dynamics if it was a different trip.

As the kid who was always forced to go, who hated every second of it & resented my mum for never listening to what I wanted, please listen to him. He is old enough to know what he wants to do.

Agree, as someone who shares custody (or did, mine have aged out). It’s booked and paid for, you go.

I wouldn’t let a 13 year old bow out of any other holiday so I wouldn’t from this one too. You don’t want to go next year? Fine.

I’ve also had four 13 year olds and am very aware the world is all about them at this point.

And what if it was your child who didn't want to go?

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but could he go for a couple of nights and then get the train back/meet you somewhere? Would that be a compromise??

Why do so many men fucking do this?! (eta...de-prioritise their kids when the new woman comes along).

Well actually I know why......its so that the new girlfriend will keep fucking him. Getting his leg over with new younger GF is more important to him than his kids.

Fucking prick.

In answer @Writer034 you do need to back up your son and tell your ex a few home truths about why he doesnt want to go. Realistically, it may be time to go back to court and get a child arrangements order sorted out that gives DD and DS the final say on what they do, given their ages.

Is there any chance of a compromise? You and ex meet halfway for the last part of the hol? Or Ds sees how it goes and you’ll pick him up if he needs? It sounds a tough situation as in any “normal” circumstances where dad was engaged, caring etc and DS was just being teenage then you’d be right to push him to go but this is different - you and DS both know it so you need to back him even if things go nuclear unfortunately. And I can imagine how hard that must be 😖.

The thing that stands out for me is that Dad is “authoritarian” and is most likely to have got his parenting style from his parents, the GPs who are also on this trip.

So you’ll have:

Authoritarian Dad with new GF & 5yr old
Authoritarain GPs
Dd & DD’s friend

son

I can completely see why he doesn’t want to go. He’s probably going to end up entertaining the 5yr old, or being bullied by his dad &/or his GPs, whilst his sister is off with her mate and his dad is snuggling up to his new gf.

Sounds shit to me.

I’d tell your son that he’s welcome to stay at yours if he doesn’t go on holiday, but he needs to agree that with his dad. The sooner Dad knows that his kids don’t like the GF and want contact time to be with HIM not his new lover, the better.

Whatever the ins and outs, there's nothing good to be gained from making him go. He'll be pissed off, it'll piss everyone else off, there will be a row.
No one needs that on a large group family holiday.
Tell your ex that. No sense in taking someone that doesn't want to be there.

Oh god that’s even worse. How far away is the caravan site - could you collect him if it’s really bad?
Or pick him up now?

I am baffled by those who think DH and DS sharing a caravan will magically ‘bond’ them. They’ll just go there to sleep. New girlfriend will want DH’s attention and so will aged parents. Not forgetting adoring DD. DS knows he will be sidelined. If DH was really interested in strengthening the relationship, he’d be listening, not demanding.

Can you sit them down and have a calm discussion? Maybe suggest a time/ place when DS and DH can spend some time together when not on holiday? Do they have a shared interest?

I would emphasise to DH that forcing DS to attend isn’t going to make anyone happy or create a lovely family atmosphere and he’ll probably regret it very quickly. Circumstances have changed, the children’s ages have changed and you have to adapt.

Fourteen is old enough to have some autonomy and DS should be allowed to be heard.

I would have a guess that the new wife and child weren't on the scene though when the OPs son was going on these holidays with his dad. From experience, the 'new family' massively changes the dynamics.

There then, if you, as his Mum, have considered all the possible repercussions (which your son may not have the maturity to extrapolate?) go get him.

It's interesting that your daughter, despite her Dad's haste in moving in his partner and child, is content enough to go.

Do you think it's purely because your son won't have a pal with him?

If it's definitely more than that and you see no way forward, in the relationship between his Dad and himself, whilst this particular partner is on the scene, then support your lad.

Is it close enough for you that you could offer the compromise of collecting him midweek if it’s really not enjoyable?

Your ex really is going to damage his relationship with your DS if he doesn’t learn to listen to what he’s actually saying about how he’s feeling, rather than just reacting to the outward words.

I feel so sorry for him - he’s really a spare part; his dsis has her friend but do you think they’ll include him a bit?

OP have you had a look at the campsite with your ds to see what exactly there is to do for a lone teenage boy? Could you take him out for coffee and help him decide how tragically bad the whole week will be?

It’s an awkward age and few teens would want to spend a week with gran and grandad and a 5 yo. How mortifying.

Make sure he’s packed some stuff to keep him out of mischief - maybe a good frisbee and a football would be sensible things to take as might find someone to play with.

What is his dad planning to do for the week? If it’s going to the beach to play bucket and spade games with the 5 yo, can ds be signed up to a surf school or can he take a wakeboard and a wetsuit?

If they are just hanging out at the campsite all week, Maybe there is a communal area with a pool table and some video games and decent WiFi and your ds could sit there and do his own thing? Dad could give him £50 and let him buy snacks and play pool - he might make a friend.

Does he have a device he can watch Netflix or Prime or Disney+ on for example? Or even just download a few series on BBC Iplayer. I know my dd15 would be ok chilling out - yes it would be boring but I would absolutely not stop her if I had only organised things to please a 5 yo.

No,I wouldn't force him.Not a chance in hell. Even if a very expensive holiday abroad (even worse then,cos u can't exactly go and pick them up if needed).

Different circs for me,but my 14 can only just tolerate a lunch/dinner with XH. We've been divorced for 6 years,first 2 he would have them (DS1 and DS2) every Sat night.I won't lie that I enjoyed the breathing space,and a bit of a life of my own.

XH lost his temper over his car breaking down and it freaked DS1 out beyond belief(should add he is on the spectrum).He refused 2 stay ever since. He gets awfully panicky when asked to go with him at all,even now.

I'll encourage,but will never force him. XH doesn't give a fuck,he only suggests it begrudingly anyway.

very few 14 years old want to hang out with a 5 year old, his Dad's girlfriend, his sister and her mate.

How does he get on with his grandparents? Would he enjoy spending some time with them?

There needs to be a conversation about how he's feeling in the blended family generally. You should have already broached this as you've been aware of it.

I also think you're bullshitting when you claim if your child didn't want to go on holiday you'd just accept it and go on your merry way without them.

Honestly I think for the most part children need to do as they're told instead of being the decision makers in the family. However, he's old enough to opt out of seeing his dad if he chooses.