DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

13 year olds don't get to opt out of family holidays. You just go. At the worst you are bored for a week. Your DS fundamentally doesn't want to go because he has been travelling for three weeks, he's tired and he wants to see his friends. Unfortunately part of the cost of splitting up is that your kids end up having to spend time with each parent (rather than one lot of joint family/holiday time). It's not your ex's fault that he has him at the end of the holiday and is doing a less exciting trip. Expecting DH to go isn't abusive or authoritarian, it's just what families do. Such a lot of drama! No wonder your DS is picking up an opportunity to refuse. You should be encouraging him to go and explaining that holiday time with both parents is really important for his relationship with mum and dad. Unfortunately you don't get to decide who is part of your ex's family now.

Yes I agree. I dont agree with the posters saying 'back him up'. Its like people think OP should take 'sides'

How would people feel it was appropriate if the dad kept 'backing his son up' when OP's son was refusing to do things she expected him to do.

Thing is, he is equally the parent and the issue is happening on his time. If you butt in now, then expect him to feel he can do the same next time you and ds disagree. I would suggest it is for them to sort out between them, just as your relationship is cultivated on your time. If his dad pushes the boy away, it's on him. I can't see any way that intervening will go well for you.

I personally don’t think you should get involved. Tell your DC to talk to his dad but you can’t intervene as it’s his dads time with him. I think you’d be pretty livid if you had planned something and his dad came along and overruled you. What makes you the ultimate authority I suppose. He’s equally his parent. I get your DS is unhappy and I think it’s fine to say you’re happy for him to stay home if his dad agrees but I don’t think you should get to make the ultimate decision

My god who cares???

How long is the holiday for? Does your son like spending time with his grandparents? Is there any conditions where he would go (eg if his dad promised them a couple of days out just him his sister + friend).

If you think he could be persuaded then I'd speak to your ex and say you're trying to persuade him to go and your son is worried about x and y and you think it would help if he promised a and b. I'd also refrain from saying anything about the neq partner or her child e.g. don't say he doesn't like the dynamic of doing things for a 5 year old but that he misses 1 on 1 time with his dad, time with just his dad or sister, or teen led activities. I'd also (if possible) suggest he can go for just a few days and find a way of getting him home if he wants to half way and that might take the pressure off. If your ex doesn't play ball, then you tried your best and he won't compromise so it's on him

Oh goodness yes, of course 🤦‍♀️ OP saying that her children are nearly 14 and 16 is the main issue!!

Apologies if you’ve mentioned this but how long is the trip?
A couple of days/a week? I’d be advising him to suck it up and set his own firm boundaries for “next time”

Anything longer I think I’d be saying to DH “look, it’s up to you how you deal with this, but I’ve had a chat with DS, I’ve tried to reason with him but - heads up, it’s not you (well, it is but🥴) - it’s the dynamic. He wants to spend time with you and his family and not to play second fiddle with another family.
Either force him and ruin your relationship with him or accept it and arrange some time with him on your own or with DD and GPs next time - don’t say you haven’t been warned”
Your DS is me when I was 14…. I went very very low contact with my Dad because he didn’t budge 🤷🏼‍♀️

At nearly 14 your DS’s views carry significant weight, and forcing him to go on this trip could damage your relationship with him, not to mention his relationship with his father. He’s still young enough to need adult support with something like this so don’t leave him on his own to sort this out with his father

Your ex is putting both of you into an extremely uncomfortable position. Try and draft a reply that isn’t emotive but point out that you can’t physically force your DS to go, if he’s refusing.

Sister, dad, grandmother, grandfather all are his family. Grandparents are getting older this may be the last opportunity your son has to spend time away with grandparents
That's 4 people he is closely related to.

3 others will be there (one is a friend of his sister - he could have taken his own friend)
I would same it majority family.
He will also be in a caravan 1:1 with his Dad a great time to catch up and re - connect.

By your updates if this was a holiday abroad - your son would be going - this holiday is less exotic than dads usual holidays. Your son sounds spoilt and ungrateful for refusing a holiday just because it's less exciting than previous ones.

In your shoes I would be encouraging your child to go for so many important reasons.

A conversation before you or dad gook next year's holidays would be better. But a trip in Sunday is booked and planned around your son attending

If you read all the OP's posts you'll see the initial plan was for DS to take a friend. Unfortunately he couldn't find anyone to go with. Shame. If he is so desperate to stay at home to see his mates it's a pity he couldn't manage didn't try to persuade one of them to go with him.

If your son's view is really as strong as you hint, I would be concerned at the possibility that he leaves the caravan park or goes to their reception begging to leave. He is certainly old enough to run away.

Can there be a compromise - that your DS just goes for a weekend if its in the UK?

And that the weekend is focused on the teens, not the 5yo for a change.

I would encourage him to go this time. It's not just the GF and young child. It's grandparents also and he will get some 1-1 time in the caravan with his dad. Teens often have to put up with doing things to accommodate younger or older family members and, at that age, to go on holidays they might not choose because they are not old enough to stay home. I am divorced so not saying this from a nuclear family perspective. I would be sympathetic but say to go this time and then communicate in advance of next year.

You're not being unreasonable. Please tell your son he is welcome to come back to you. Or go and collect him. I know it will blow up with your ex, but you have to back your son. He doesn't want to go and he's out enough to make his own decision on this one.

I can see why he doesn't want to go.

Sibling has a friend.

Is his dad really going to spend a lot of time with him when his partner is there?

@Writer034 , It sounds really hard. I would suggest to ExH that he rakes DS out somewhere, go for a walk maybe, to talk through DS's concerns and ExH really listens with an open mind.

There may be a way that his dad can reassure him about the holiday, but that won't happen if he is being so combative.

Why are you trying to make your children sound older than their ages ? They are 13 and 15 - don’t get this purpose of the nearly 14 and nearly 16 description?

I see you mentioned the 16 year old is taking a friend, could your son not take a friend too, maybe he would be more inclined to go then

You've said exactly the right thing already .. your son can't be forced he is old enough to say he wants to give this trip a miss.. maybe when they're back from holiday your ex needs to realise how both of his children are feeling and spend time alone with them or he risks alienating them anyway..
Stick by your boy id do exactly the same x

After reading all the posts on this,my view is that if the girlfriend had anything about her she'd insist on backing away from the holiday and,if son agrees to go, let it be a family holiday with the grandparents.
Apart from anything else if dad manages to bully his son into going,the atmosphere is definitely not going to be jolly.
Wouldn't do any harm imo for her to stay at home,given how home life has drastically changed at dads house.

OP, I am 100% with you on this.

This isn't really an issue about going on holiday when the matter is properly examined, and posters who are comparing it to a family holiday are really missing the bigger picture here (hopefully because they haven't had to experience the negative sides of blended family life).

Your son's life, and in particular his relationship with his dad, have been turned upside down with the unwanted arrival of dad's new GF and her daughter.

How many adults would be perfectly happy to have two strangers move into their home and have the entire family dynamic changed?! Yet we expect children to do it without complaint...

I think we need to accept that any separation of parents, no matter how amicable, brings upheaval and uncertainty into childrens' lives. Introducing new partners and children into the picture brings even more instability. I'm not saying its wrong to separate or for separated parents to find new relationships, but they must ensure that their children's best interests are at the heart of decisions they make and this could mean, for example, not cohabiting with a new partner. My dad's new wife, after my parents separated, was an awful woman and I will never forget the powerlessness I felt at having to share a home with someone who clearly disliked me and to have her know so much about my personal life. Even though my dad has thankfully ditched her since, it has had a lifelong effect on my relationship with my dad as well as affecting me more generally.

Your exH hasn't considered his son's feelings here. He doesn't deserve to drag him on a holiday just so he can play happy families and pretend it's all fine.

I would make clear to your son that, whilst he isn't old enough to refuse to go on a trip if the other parent is unavailable to have him at their home, as you are at home and willing to have him then you are happy to do so. I would call/message exH and tell him son clearly doesn't want to go and that you are happy to have him stay with you, I'd probably make out you're doing him a favour and reference the fact he can't make him go e.g. "Realise you're in a difficult position as its impossible to force a 14 year old into a car, but as I'm happy to have him you and the rest can enjoy your holiday as planned".

I'd really talk to your son about the difficulties he is facing and let him properly express all his feelings and what he wants to do about his situation. I think you will do this anyway as you sound like a really caring mum.

Finally - has this only been discussed with you since your son went to his dad's? Can you go tomorrow and take him out for a bit/bring him back home for an hour so you can properly chat to him, rather than just phone calls or texts?

This is the dynamic you should be more concerned about. Your daughter shouldn’t feel she has to do this but neither should she berate your son for not doing it.

Don’t make your son go. If your ex blames you then so be it.

Im still waiting for the poster upthread to tell us how a 14 year old would be forced to go on the holiday.

Is his dad considering his DS’s feelings.

He has been told he doesn’t want to go by DS twice and he won’t take no for an answer

If he forces DS to go I don’t think
ds will be doing 50/50 anymore.

His dad needs to realise moving his gf in with her child he has pushed his own dc away. These are the consequences of his own actions.

It wouldn’t surprise me if forced to go, DS will be on the first train back before his df has realised he is gone