DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

Ah, the curse of the blended family strikes again, and as usual, it is the first family children who are struggling, and usually because of the father. We see it time and time again.

Damn these awful men deprioritising their own children like this.

I don't know how you get your son to you without looking like you are facilitating him opting out, but at the same time, he's old enough imo to say he doesn't want to go. And hopefully his father wil learn from that, and his own parents can see what a bad decision it was to move the new gf and her child in, as it has come at great cost to his own child/ren - and they shouldn't just lap up his idea of playing happy families.

That said, if your son gets on well with his grandparents, is their presence not any kind of incentive?

Does your ex-DH know that your son doesn't enjoy staying at his house due to the fact that all his dad's attention is now directed towards his new partner and her child?

I'm not sure why he is insisting that your DS comes on this holiday when he doesn't really bother with him much any more. Does he want to give a false picture to his parents that they are all one big happy family?

If I were you, I'd let your DS stay at home with you. He is obviously very upset about it all.

I'm torn here.

I can see how the son doesn't want to go on another holiday having had weeks away from his mates already (which is really a choice that OP made), but it's also still not clear whether the son telling his dad that he didn't want to go was when holiday was first suggested, or after he couldn't find a mate to go with, or closer to the time when everything is bought and paid for.

I would also be concerned that when the next holiday is a more "fun" destination abroad that son may not get invited to that as he has said that he doesn't want to go away with dad's girlfriend and her child, and he might not be happy about that.

This should not be portrayed as an argument about the boy not wanting to go from home to watch dad with his new girlfriend. Dad has already lost that one. Picking over his reasons, in an attempt to prove that his feelings are not valid, is a dishonest diversion.

It is now a battle to force the boy to obey dad's orders against his will.

Not a wise battle for a parent to create. He might win, once, but this will not create a positive father son relationship that perhaps he fantasises about.

He just doesn't want to lose face by being seen to have a son who doesn't want to holiday with him. Force this one and it may never happen again.

It sounds like even if he hadn't been already been away with you, he still wouldn't be wanting to go on this holiday!

Personally I think at 14 he should be able to choose.

Do you live near enough to ex that ds could just come to yours without having a whole debate with his dad about it?

It sounds like he needs some open conversations with his dad about how things have changed. This holiday situation is a symptom of all that really so as well as the holiday there is the bigger picture too of how both kids feel about the change to his living arrangements.

Shame he doesn’t have a friend to take with him like dd does

also shame ex couldn’t go away with just his kids and not gf 5yr

totally different ages and wants and needs

Why are you rounding up his age? Is it because you think it'll change the way people respond?

If he's turning 14 in the next few days it might have been relevant to add that, but he's still 13. Why can't you just admit your kids are 13 and 15 until they're not?

I would say to the ex, DS doesn’t want to come on the holiday, therefore he is welcome to stay with me instead. I would say to DS, of course this is your home and you can stay here.

It may seem complicated it’s really really simple when you boil it down to what matters.

If your ex wants a better relationship with his children he has to put better effort in. It’s not your job to compensate for his failings.

I have a son 15 a bit the same. I know if this were him he wouldnt want to go. I think a big issue is the nature of the holiday. Im sure if it was somewhere a bit more exciting or he had a friend he would want to go. At the same time it puts you in a difficult situation as you dont want your son to be sad and they pur it on you to fix and you feel guilty.
If it were me i would say gosee how it goes and if there is a problem i will pick you up.

My feeling is that your ex is focusing on the wrong issue. The holiday is a red herring, yes it would be nice for everyone else if he went, but it’s only a week in their lives.

What your ex is failing to acknowledge is the deterioration in the relationship and the damage his relationship is having on his son. That’s not to say he needs to move his girlfriend and her DD out, but he needs to be sensitive to his children and their feelings and work through it with them. He can’t just force them to be happy, it doesn’t work like that.

Ultimately, I think your son needs you emotionally. The relationship he has with his dad will play out over the next few years and that’s highly dependent on his dad and him. Not you. You can’t control this, all you can be is a listening ear and a support to him when he’s feeling sad.

I think I’d explain that to your ex. That you want nothing more than them to have a wonderful holiday together, but that your priority is the long term emotional support of your son and therefore, you won’t be pushing him either way. You’ll simply accept whatever decision your son makes. If your ex can’t see that, then there’s bigger issues and perhaps your son is right to want space from him.

My advice to estranged parents has always been they need to make their children choose to spend their allocated time with them because they want to, not because a Court Order says they should or because they are being forced to.

It seems this young man no longer wants to spend significant time with his father if father’s new partner and her child are there too, especially in a holiday environment where he possibly won’t be able to get away from the very people he doesn’t want to spend time with.

How you facilitate that OP could be difficult, but I do think you should be there for your son. His father needs to understand that children who are forced into doing things they have genuine reasons to not want to do will possibly rebel in one way or another. If your son knows you have his back then he’ll turn to you but if he feels you aren’t supporting him he might turn against you both and in a worst case might go off the rails, run away, whatever.

All children need to know where and with who they feel safe and loved, especially the children of estranged parents.

So ds wanted to go initially?

If that the case then I would be saying nope you need to go.

Id be encouraging him to go purely to spend some time with his grandparents.

My DS absolutely didn't want to come on holiday with me, his step dad and dad at his age. He knew he had no choice. He went and spent a lot of the time moaning and being a pain most of the time. Not only he never resented me for it, he now talks fondly of the things he did manage to see and some of the fun time we had together.

I disagree that it is different because it's not a family holiday. It IS a family holiday, his dad's family. Ultimately, if he really hates it and decides not to do it again next year, it might fair enough, but this year, he still needs to be told that that's that.

Wow, I'd listen to my son. My ds won't spend time with his dad, if my exh had a gf and child I'd never expect him to tag along to that.
Your ex shoulve organised a one to one trip with him only.
Thd caravan thing sounds shit , and itsgonna rain.

Stick up for him , just say no !

MN hates step parents and so this will be colouring the responses OP gets. I think if there were no new partner and the situation was a mum wanting to take 13yo away on a caravan holiday after dad had taken them on a foreign holiday and was now insisting son doesn’t want to go, people would be defending the OP. 13yo doesn’t get to opt out of family holidays. It sounds like he’s going to reluctantly go as he’s already with his dad. I think you should leave them to sort it out.

How far away is the caravan park? If it’s not too far can you comprise? Say he should go for the first couple of days to spend time with his Dad and the. If his Dad agrees you could pick him up midway through.
At 14 he is of an age where he should be able to choose within reason.
Our 13 year old will quite often choose to sleepover with other relatives rather than come camping with us. We usually compromise and drop him to Grandparents for a night or 2 and then drop him down to the campsite to do the remainder.
That way he has to spend time with us but he also gets 1:1 time in comfier surroundings! He’s not big on camping but the rest of us enjoy it, so we have had to come up with a solution to suit everyone.

He's 14, he needs his Mam to stand up for him.

My ex went to a family lawyer re contact they said the child can choose after 12.

He's 13/14 - he goes on the holiday.

If they were still together, OP’s son wouldn’t have to put up with his father’s girlfriend and her 5 year old’s needs dictating the whole holiday.

I agree.

Sit them down. Make DH listen. Explain to DS that he should spend time with his dad and GP but support your DS in his decision if it's to stay home.

Poor lad. It makes sense… I think this is a matter of when, not if, he will stop going away on holidays like this. Even if he did go this time - as he gets older, my guess would be he’s going to want to go even less. His dad’s new girlfriend, a 5 year old, grandparents….on a caravan site. Not really a teenage boy’s idea of a good time. Perhaps he feels a bit spare as well. Not sure what the right answer is here - you’re kind of going to be seen as the bad guy whichever approach you take. Perhaps you can help your son write down on paper, in an email, or something to read out - how he really feels - what is really bothering him… to tell his dad.

Be honest if you were still together DS at 13 wouldnt get the option to not go.

Hes not saying dads awful to him, hed just rather play with his friends. I think you should try and help DS reconnect with his dad

Ia there anyone like a family friend that could mediate between them? Get your son to talk to his dad about his feelings and get his dad to listen and compromise rather than lay down the law

Is it viable for your DS to go for part of the trip?
Could his Dad put him on a train or you collect him if it is as bad as he fears? I would probably encourage him to go and think about his GP too.