DS(14) refuses to go on holiday with dad (ex-DH), but dad says he has to, no question - WWYD?

Removing the split family element, if my 14 yo didn’t want to come on holiday it would be a case of tough, you’re coming. There would probably be a discussion to understand what’s behind it but ultimately, my dc are expected to come on a family holiday. Sounds like lines have been blurred and he believes there’s options open to him.

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If the dad is trying to be thoughtful to his son by them having a caravan to themselves then why hasn’t he sat his son down and explained that rather than dismissing his sons feelings and coming down on him like a ton of bricks?

Oof. Well. This whole story has taken me right back to the summer of 1998 when I roughly the same age as your DS, and me and my sis went on holiday with my dad, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend's brother and nephew. Which was awkward as fuck, compounded by the fact that it was a holiday based entirely around a hobby that was my Dad's passion, and no-one else's. In my Dad's defence, I think he had rose tinted ideas that all these people he liked would all be super excited and love each other and the activity as much as he did. We did not. (Disclaimer: I get on very well with his wife now, and we were teenagers, but...FFS Dad).

Peak chaos came when my sister's boyfriend happened to be visiting the next town and she wanted to go and stay with him for the night but Dad vetoed it because...get this...it was a Family Holiday, for spending time with Family.

Your story made me think again about what holidays are actually for. Good experiences? Relaxation? Family time? Because it sounds like your DS may not get any of those, not really, so I can't blame him for his reluctance. We sure didn't 😂 maybe ask his Dad what he thinks his son will get out of the whole thing?

Plenty of 13 year old would rather stay at home and see friends though. That's my point. It's something he is saying he doesn't want to do so in that regard it may as well be dishes or school. That was my point

I don't think you can force a 14 year old to do anything. But in a non-divorced family there wouldn't be a option to stay home at 14. Ditto if you, OP, had planned to go away this week - your son would just have to go.

It isn't unreasonable of your ex to want his son to go on the family holiday. Could you talk to your son about how his grandparents would love to have him there - probably won't be many more holidays with them etc. Honestly I have a lot of sympathy for him but I do think he should just go. A holiday you don't particularly want to be on isn't exactly out of the norm for a 13/14 year old - probably the definition of what a holiday is at that age.

I'd also probably tell your ex that you are actively encouraging him to go but he needs to decide how far to push it if he won't go - because you won't be refusing him his home with you as an alternative.

If you don’t encourage DS to go on this holiday, will his father be difficult about agreeing for him to go away with you next year? I’m not sure on current rules, do you need his agreement?
Meanwhile, I wonder if he feels a bit spare. Is there a reason why his sister has a friend going to keep her company, but DS does not? Would he normally be he hanging out with his sister on holiday but feels he’ll be left out because of her friend?
Im wondering if he suspects he’ll be lumbered with the 5 year old as every one else is paired up.
Could it be worth speaking to the GP and asking for their support in making sure he has a good time? I think it’s worth trying to have an open conversation with DS and his father to address what the issues are. If Ex won’t discuss it, can you put your concerns into an email ?
I think whilst you can encourage open dialogue between them, and explain to DS that not going would be disappointing his grandparents and his dad, you need also to get Ex to allay any fears he may have about being left out. The thing is, wanting to stay at home to play games because he’s already been away isn’t really a good enough reason not to go.

Isn’t a holiday supposed to be fun for all attendees? Not analogous to doing the dishes or going to school. What sort of holidays do you go on?!

So what happens when he doesn't want to do something else? Go to school? Visit relatives ? Do the dishes? Tidy his room? Anything he doesn't want to do? Why are so many people talking like they have no authority over a 13 year old?

He is old enough to vote with his feet and not be punished for it.
advocate for your son and let him stay home.
anyone trying to force a teen to go anywhere against their will is not to be trusted.

your ex just needs to let this one go and improve their relationship.

That sounds like a really thoughtful way for DS to have some quality time with his dad without the new gf and her child there, which must have taken a fair bit of negotiating and organising. Obviously they will be all in a group a lot of the time, but there will be opportunities. I generally agree that DS shouldn't be forced, but I think there's a chance it might work out well. I think DS should give his dad a chance, but on the condition that in future he will have a genuine opportunity to say "no thanks" and those decisions will be respected.

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And how would you enforce that if he physically refuses to get into the car?

All this "He needs to be forced to go" in the thread....HOW?!

Why is the DS getting the blame? His father has the horn for a new woman and moved her into the teenagers’ home along with her 5 year old. This 13 year old is playing second fiddle to his dad’s sex life.

This is so wrong. At 14 the kid’s wishes should be taken into consideration.

He is 14. Your ex has as much parental responsibility as you. If your ex says he goes then he goes.

Courts would disagree with you. The view of the kids and their preferences are taken into account from 12 ish onwards (and sometimes younger). If he doesnt want to go then its very very unlikely a judge would force him.

What does your DS expect to happen if the next holiday is somewhere more "exotic", Presumably the gf and child will be going as well.

Has he thought about that side of this.

I am also somewhat supprised by the OP's statement that one of her holidays was a must do as its your family, but his parents that are older and it seems to be inferred not going to around much longer isn't.

TBH I don’t think he is old enough to decide whether he goes on a family holiday or not. It’s his dad’s time with them and that’s the plan. When you say you’ve been advocating for your kids, what does that look like? Because one persons advocating is another persons interfering and pot stiring. Your son is old enough to both speak to his dad, with his sister if needed, and to understand a holiday sometimes needs to be arranged around who is going. And if this woman is his dad’s partner than that is very much still a family holiday.
That said, you ex his dealt with this badly, he should have engaged the kids in the planning, listened to their ideas and got them involved and excited. Gearing the whole thing round his girlfriend’s kid was clearly going to go down badly and not carving out time specifically with his son is really poor.
I am divorced too and while I support the kids I also do try and help them see alternative perspectives and make a bridge where things come up, but I also sympathise with them.
Sometime you just need to get on with things and a bit more “it’ll be better than you think, it’ll be nice to spend time with nan and grandad” and a bit less “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to even if it’s on time I have not jurisdiction over” would be more helpful.

Back your son. If it goes nuclear so be it. He can't make him go.

It's your sons feelings you need to look after not your exDH.

What's his relationship like with the grandparents?

What activities are planned already and can you see if there are things nearby that he can go to alone or with his sister? He is old enough to go out exploring on his own or with someone else.

They do not need to stay together.

What happens when next year he tells dad he doesn't want to go away with him so dad doesn't book him on....then he says the same to you when you have an exotic holiday booked? Then what?

His father's gf and her kid are not the son's family.

I don’t think OP said that at all. This is a newish girlfriend and OP and ex have been split 8 years.

He cheated, moved in with a younger woman, you say? Kids often don't like it when a parent breaks up the home, and they eventually choose to only be with the parent that didn't. This isn't unusual, and if it's as you say, your ex is at fault, and who could blame your son?