Trapped by work, motherhood and chronic pain. I don't know what to do.

OP i have an invisible illness with chronic pain, and a small child. I have also been suicidal.

I am sure i don't need to tell you this is an emergency. You need to do some things to get back on to an even keel.

I agree antidepressants are probably a bad idea as they migjt make things worse in the short term AND you need structural changes in your life not pills.

Number one issue is sleep. You need one night alone a week somewhere else MINIMUM - hotel, a friend. Anywhere you can go to straight from work. Have a massage first. Take off 2 weeks sick and book into a local hotel and just sleep as much as you can, if possible.

No more cosleeping. I cosleep and think it is great but it isnt working for you anymore. I am sure your little one is just unsettled from the move, but he will survive if you put him in his own bed. Dad can do this. Go and sleep somewhere else for a fortnight if you need to. Your husband can manage.

Zero housework for you. Get a cleaner if you don't have one. Husband has to pick up the slack I'm afraid. Put out your laundry to cleaning services if you need to. Find a local lady to come and help 3 evenings a week if you need to. Yes this is expensive. This is an emergency.

With better sleep comes better mental health and easier pain.

However in the meantime get some stronger pain meds. Go to A&E if you have to. There are lots of different options - you don't mention the pain much but if you are tired I'm assuming your pain has flared up horribly. Better meds can help. Also once the pain reaches a certain point sleep becomes difficult.

Longer term....you probably need a new job, and so does your DH by the sounds of it.

Can you just get signed off with stress- how long do you get full time pay? Some places it can be 3 or 6 months. You should take whatever you need to get back on an even keel.

Parenting toddlers is hard but they grow up and get easier. Things will and can change for the better. Please hold on! Some good sleep and pain relief might really turn things around.

Sending hugs

Yes - thinking of you today OP. hope you're doing a bit better and you've found time to take a time out of work, step away responsibily and prioritise yourself to get a sick note to get some headspace. you sorely need it. please get the help you need.

How are you doing, @SadAndOverwhelmed

Hi - I didn’t want to read and run.

DS will start to sleep - cling on to that.

I am in law too - three kids. If you are in private practice it’s very very hard. Can you move in-house? Even full time in house would give you evenings. Yes it’s a bit less pay - probably - but you are on the point of utter burn out.

I think you need a few weekends off and some mental space to make some clear decisions. Xxxx

Consider taking sick leave to stabilise your mental health. Moving must have been so stressful on top of everything (I’ve just done it recently).

Ask your GP for referral to a pain clinic and be honest about your suicidal ideation. They can provide medication reviews as well as specialist therapy (a close relative hugely benefitted from DBT in the same situation).

Be honest with your DH and ask if he can pick up your kid, so you can stay in work until finished. Can he also do all the chores temporarily, and look to get these outsourced eg. meal deliveries / cleaner etc. if finance allows?

PPs have given great suggestions about sleep consultants and longer term work changes.

You matter, you deserve to have your needs met. Chronic pain makes your brain get stuck in survival mode. You can definitely make things more sustainable.

Wishing you well.

Yet....millions of dads seem to manage this without feeling guilty, and without having their sleep disturbed 🤔

I know you had a bad time on Sertraline but the different antidepressants have different profiles. I tried 5 other SSRIs (in over 12 years) until I found the right one (Escitolopram) and dose for me and I started on super tiny doses if it increasing every week or 2 to get the right dose for me which is perfect and honestly life changing I cope so much better and suicidal ideation is gone. Wish I'd persevered with finding the right meds years ago. I know meds aren't the full solution but just one piece of the puzzle.

Also, for sleep I agree with pp about trying to get some nights away so your little one can get used to dad caring for him at night. You can really reset your sleep and if you need to use sleeping tablets short term to reset sleep then do, resetting sleep can make the world of difference.

Then for work well that's a big one to think about but agree what others have said that maybe consider other roles or maybe public sector projects / work or something law-adjacent that's less intense. Can you partner do something to increase his earning potential or how can he increase his contribution in other ways to relieve the burden on you?

Somethings got to give hasn't it this is just unsustainable. Do you have friends you can go on a little spa weekend with or something as that can be so restorative too. Your little one is only a toddler things will get better in time. Wishing you all the best OP 💐😗

No OP would not, I’ve been the sole earner with a SAHD. The pressure on you work wise increases and any extra time you gain by the dad doing more at home goes towards overtime, or promotions and so on because the cost of living increases faster than any annual pay bump. Too, when you are home and haven’t seen your kids all day, you feel guilty as hell just retreating to your bedroom for a lie down. When they wake up at night, you wake up too even if dad is the one getting up. Sleep is still interrupted.

I'm a bit shocked, given that OP is the main earner, that nobody has suggested that her DH give up work to be a SAHD. It would happen in an instant if it was the other way round.

With all the childcare and domestic stuff taken care of, OP would have time to rest, work and address her health issues.

Hi Op, I have a similar situation in that I have a health condition (autoimmune, chronic) as well as two young children a year apart under demand demanding job. I know what it’s like to survive on very little sleep for prolonged periods of time and to feel suicidal. I’m probably stating the obvious but the key thing you need to do is protect your sleep. Even if it means going away for a couple of nights a week to a friend or a travel lodge… You must protect your sleep. As a previous poster has said, a Mum who is away for awhile is a lot better than a dead Mum. I’ve not read all of the responses on the thread but I would go to the GP tomorrow and explain everything you have done. They could perhaps sign you off sick for a few weeks. You must find a way to get some sleep if even if that means other things have to give a bit… I don’t know what your financial situation is like but if you can afford to throw a bit of money at a cleaner / home help or hotel stays then please do.

This is what I was going to suggest.
DS may want you all the time, but you can’t sacrifice your health when his Dad is able and willing.

Some thoughts from me

• echo the posters who suggested sleeping away from the home a couple of nights per week in a hotel or similar until you are less sleep deprived. Will also mean you are not an option for DS.
• In your position, I would stay at work until the work is done for the time being. Don’t come home until you don’t need to log on until tomorrow morning to avoid logging in again after your child sleeps. If this means you don’t see DS before bedtime so be it. It won’t kill him to be with dad.
• do way, way less in the home than I suspect you are doing. Focus on you. No cooking, no cleaning, no washing, in the short term until you feel better. Staying at work until you finish will also help with this. Either pay for help and / or suggest you DH goes part time if he can’t manage everything. You can’t due to income.

I'm here to support.

A new interest could be writing.

Making words can improve concentration and it can improve long-term memory.

Writing can also mildly improve logic skills.

Negative thoughts can change.

Thinking about negative things won't help anyone!

And positive moments can happen.

Something needs to give, because your life is neither happy or sustainable. You either need to

• completely change your lifestyle and career to a slower pace. Including selling your house and move into a home you can afford on one, your husband's, income
• hire help to give you some relief
• your husband needs to step up and earn more and let you stay at home

mo wonder you’re at breaking point.

can you stay late to work or work in a costa a few nights a week and get DH to do bedtime and yoj sleep in a separate room with noise cancelling earplugs?

DH will have to keep him in your room and do sleep.

The good news is it will get easier as he gets older.

Also what else would you be able to do medically for you? Can you see an osteopath, massage? Swimming? Do you have a consultant? Is there any painkillers that would help?

What reasonable adjustments can work provide? Can you WFh some days and have a nap over lunch break? Have you had an OH assessment?

Without reading any other replies first, my first bang obvious thought was DS wants you so you are doing extra child rearing. Husband needs to be doing extra chores and housework, if you are doing all nights. You need to sit down after work and DH make dinner and wash up. If you are doing bathtime and bed time, husband can hoover

Just on the pain what is causing it?

Mine is RA and it has been truly awful at times between the pain and exhaustion but the rheumatologist I saw said that while zero pain may not be achievable, chronic pain can be managed. It was brilliant finally meeting someone who didn’t feel I needed to go through life like that.

Getting the right meds has been life altering for me.

I would think that you getting enough sleep is priority at the moment so you need to break the habit of allowing your 2 year old to sleep with you.

See gp urgently.
There are other anti depressants.
And urgent talking therapy
Take some sick leave for your mental health and physical health.
There are pain clinics?
Two year old antics seem pretty normal but if you are not well will seem extreme.
Dh needs to step up.

I really feel for you.

I have been a single parent since my children were very young and am a solicitor and have had significant health issues (though not chronic pain which sounds awful).

A lot of solicitors do work part time. I know it’s dependent on specialism but I work for a large firm and it’s very commonplace to work 4 days. It doesn’t solve all issues as no one really covers your work but it lowers your target and can help a lot when managed well. In some specialisms you can work as a contractor and choose your hours. Or in house or government. Or move to a risk role or similar. There are usually options - there might be financial trade offs but it sounds like you could end up completely unable to do your job at some point so you do need to consider quite drastic options. It might be hard to do that while so sleep deprived and still working.

Also, it’s not the end of the world to take time off. I’ve had to take loads in the last year and my firm has coped. It can feel like it is a disaster in law and if you’re someone who has barely taken a day off for a decade it’s hard but it’s far better than burning out or getting very seriously ill or making a significant mistake at work because you’re so tired etc.

It gets easier as children get older. I was a wreck when mine were 1 and 3 and pushing myself to do everything with barely any sleep was a big contributor to my health issues. At 4 and 6 it isn’t easy but mostly manageable.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Working full time with a toddler is working 2 full time jobs with no annual leave or sick days and no sleep. Horrific. It will get better. This is a temporary phase. Please speak to your GP and I think you need to have your husband take your child for the whole day on the weekends just for a small amount of time to breathe. You also need to tell him how you are feeling and divvy up the household jobs fairly. Or he takes more on whilst you are struggling. Marriage is give and take.
Also you sound like someone who does an excellent job at work and has high standards, which is great, however it is just work. You need to be able to switch off and delegate some tasks to other colleagues. I hope you feel better soon

I had a two year old cling on that I was still breast feeding at this stage and I wanted to night wean because I was similarly getting zero sleep (I’d two older kids as well and the chronic tiredness from a health condition so I really do relate).

I sent the cling on into another bedroom with his father to duke it out to break the awful night times.

It took a few days and they definitely fought it out but he was not alone during it and he was still being very well looked after, albeit not exactly how he would have preferred but I would strongly advise you do the same it was so worth it.

Pop the headphones on, play a podcast and let your DH get him to sleep. Sleep changes everything.

Your DH needs to do more. If you’re having to log back on after bedtime then he should be doing more so you’re not faced with a load of ‘jobs’ when you get in. On the sleep, sounds like some sleep training is needed.

I'm sorry to read how bad your situation is and the feeling of desperation for relief or a way out. It won't always be this bad but that doesn't help when you have reached breaking point. It's unsustainable and you urgently need respite. Try your council's website to see if there are any local volunteering networks or support services for parents or families in your area. Some councils used to run schemes offering family befrienders. Also have you any family resources you can call on for emergency relief - grandparents of child etc?

For the child sleeping problem, would you try a sleep consultant? Someone in my family did that when she was at the end of her tether with sleep deprivation and exhaustion and it worked. You won't know yourself once you get back to normal sleep.

As far as the constant jobs from arrival home till bedtime, can you get someone in to do some of the chores for a couple of hours / one or two days a week? The same family member also did that - like you she has a difficult and demanding job situation.

Once you get some immediate relief you could start thinking about your own work set up and whether you could rearrange workloads or schedules or perhaps even a bigger change such as a switch to a different type of employer or employment.

Because she can go to bed early if she doesn't have to work after dc's bedtime, like thousands of other parents do up and down the country.

Young toddlers often sleep badly, it's biologically normal and can't be "cured" overnight.

A job with long hours isn't a biological necessity though and that's the thing that's most easily fixable in my opinion