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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

483 replies

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 12:35

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

OP posts:
CousinBette · 20/08/2026 18:29

Any1ForTennis · 20/08/2026 12:42

Traditionally the 1st born son took paternal line names so if MIL is old fashioned she was maybe expecting that. Her problem not yours though.

However, as you say your baby your name choice although, I would maybe double check DH isn't secretly disappointed his forename isn't in there somewhere if you maybe dominated the name choice and he just went along with it to keep the peace.

I wouldn't be apologising to her btw, sounds like her hen pecking understandably tipped you over the edge.

What tradition is this?

Fiftyandnotsonifty · 20/08/2026 18:24

SemperIdem · 20/08/2026 12:50

I can see why it sits poorly to honour one side of the family but not the other.

This is why my children were given their own names.

Agreed 👍🏻

ButtercupYellow26 · 20/08/2026 18:22

Yes you were rude and a tad aggressive.
You could have added your father in laws name also.
It wouldn't have hurt really. He probably would never use it anyway. But it would have meant a lot to Fil.
He isnt just your baby. He is your husband's too.
Your Mil raised your husband well enough so you wanted to marry him.

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:21

sittingonabeach · 20/08/2026 18:19

So is it only first borns that have to be named after family?

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No there’s no rule ? He will have a middle name that is affiliated with the family.

OP posts:
Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 20/08/2026 18:20

TheWonderhorse · 20/08/2026 12:59

Of course it's up to you what the names are, and she doesn't get to criticise your choices.

That said I would have made sure to honour people from both sides of the family. All my children have their father's surname (not mine) first names we chose together and the middle names are from grandparents on both sides. I wouldn't have felt okay about having one child with such an imbalance. In fact our PFB DS is named after DPs grandfather because I really wanted his parents to feel included, they'd recently moved abroad and his mother was struggling with being away from us.

You’ve just described an imbalance, though. It just happens to be in your DH/his family’s favour. And you’re apparently fine with that, but not the reverse?

sittingonabeach · 20/08/2026 18:19

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:16

We will give him a name that isn’t affiliated with my family. We have other names that we like but if we have another son he will have a double barrelled name. DH has my surname too we put those names together.

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So is it only first borns that have to be named after family?

Any1ForTennis · 20/08/2026 18:19

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/08/2026 14:55

Traditionally the 1st born son took paternal line names

I am 65 and have never heard this before. Maybe this was the case in the aristocracy. It certainly isn't something that's ever happened in either my family or my husband's.

Baffling that anybody else should ever feel she should have been consulted about your baby's name.

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Do some research......sometimes people know stuff you don't!

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:16

sittingonabeach · 20/08/2026 18:13

If you have another son whose name will you pick @TwinklyPoster

We will give him a name that isn’t affiliated with my family. We have other names that we like but if we have another son he will have a double barrelled name. DH has my surname too we put those names together.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/08/2026 18:15

Inertia · 20/08/2026 13:18

YANBU.

Anyone who repeatedly turns up at the home of a post-partum mother to whinge and harangue after getting a reasonable explanation clearly needs a more direct conversation.

You’re not wrong - she had her chance to name multiple children. She doesn’t get to name yours. As long as you and your husband agree then it’s nobody else’s decision.

I cannot comprehend taking the joyous occasion of the arrival of a new grandchild and turning it into something to be furious about.

This.

It's not the actual name that she's bothered about, its more that she feels your family have been favoured over hers. She really needs to grow up. Your Boy has his father's surname... that's the bit people usually talk about when they are discussing passing on the family name.

You initially ended by taking a bit of the blame for being "freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high" but to me that's exactly why she shouldn't be round your house demanding you change a name agreed by both parents because she thinks "Its not fair" She's not being fair.

I think even though you were very forthright with her, that you were right to say so very very firmly. Standing up strongly for yourself right now is actually the best way to nip it in the bud. She now knows that if she raises the subject again, there will be pushback and that you have no intention of giving in to that demand.
So I think that is better than putting up with repeated requests for ages and making polite hints that she then ignores and then having a massive blow up when she really goes too far.

She may be offended, but she wasn't worried about offending a new mum, more concerned about the silly name issue than she is about your mental health and the harmony of your household.

If she's coming over too often then you and DH need to work out a reasonable schedule you can live with. Also I think you need to squash the whole being jealous of newborn's maternal grandparents thing and remind her that you are both just grateful that this little baby has a lot of people in his life who are going to love and cherish him.

However, I do think you were too harsh with your comments about not wanting her to "contaminate" things. It will make things so much easier in the long run to stick to realistic facts and don't overblow the issue, to be accurate and clear, but not unkind.

Congratulations on your little one. It's brilliant that you DH has time to be with you both. Many happy days ahead.

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:14

watchingthishtread · 20/08/2026 18:10

You were rude to her.

Obviously you can name your son whatever you want but surely you knew to expect that their side of the family would take it as a slight. It could have been handled it more delicately.

I simply don’t see why she cares so much about the name. It has been a topic of discuss so much. She will have no say in what happens to our son that’s mine and his fathers decision we are the parents not her. Same way I wouldn’t tell her what to do with her son or what to do in general. She seems to think I owe her something for being married to her son. I don’t owe her anything.

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 20/08/2026 18:13

If you have another son whose name will you pick @TwinklyPoster

JudgeJ · 20/08/2026 18:13

C8H10N4O2 · 20/08/2026 13:47

Yes that is the line to take. Pick up on a 3 week post partum mother for momentarily using “my” instead of “our” when referring to the child she has carried for nine months and just birthed. 🙄

MiL is ridiculous and the only debate to have is how to limit her intrusive and unhelpful visits.

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The usual pathetic excuse when a woman is expected to acknowledge the parentage of their new baby!

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:12

PepsiBook · 20/08/2026 18:09

Why are you letting her round every day? Just say no or don't open the door. Tell her you need space.
Giving both names from your family only is going to cause upset - you likely knew this and didn't care. That's up to you.
My son has my dad's name as a middle name and also my fils, as he would have been really upset. My husband is not even close to his dad, but knew the upset it would cause.

I just don’t get why she cares ? its not the end of world and doesn’t affect her life. She should be more worried if baby is healthy she happy not what his name is.

OP posts:
watchingthishtread · 20/08/2026 18:10

You were rude to her.

Obviously you can name your son whatever you want but surely you knew to expect that their side of the family would take it as a slight. It could have been handled it more delicately.

PepsiBook · 20/08/2026 18:09

Why are you letting her round every day? Just say no or don't open the door. Tell her you need space.
Giving both names from your family only is going to cause upset - you likely knew this and didn't care. That's up to you.
My son has my dad's name as a middle name and also my fils, as he would have been really upset. My husband is not even close to his dad, but knew the upset it would cause.

Mcdhotchoc · 20/08/2026 18:07

Serves her right for feckin with a new mother.

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:07

pictoosh · 20/08/2026 17:55

Must say that on initial reading regarding the baby names, I can see why she'd take that as a snub. It is. Even if your dh agreed. But you know that.

By the sound of things both you and mil are somewhat controlling and you both feel threatened by and resentful of the other.
You don't like her, that much is clear. You say that she doesn't like you either so there we go. You're not coming across on here as being all that pleasant tbh...but maybe you're just at the end of your tether, I don't know.

Someone said, "Christ, your dh has married his mother."
I laughed because that's possibly true.

I mean she abused by husband ? You also don’t dump your children off to boarding school amongst other things and expect them to like you. She’s in her 70s with nothing to show for her life just a wasted life not many skills I do feel for her. She’s also upset that I will be going back to work for 2 days a week when our son is 6 months as we have a village to support us ie my family. She’s upset that her son has chosen to take 3 months off work to spend with baby and I. Her reaction was so misogynistic and she kept saying about us being “indoctrinated” and “woke” because DH want to be with me whilst we are still getting used to being parents. I just laughed I didn’t even bother commenting. He’s had to go to therapy for it all. I can only go by his childhood experiences and the fact that his siblings don’t want much to do with their mother. But yea we are exactly alike. If it’s controlling to not want our son to be posted on Facebook then yes alright. I will never post my child on social media till they are 18+ children cannot consent. She cried over us telling her for the 4th time to delete the photo otherwise she cannot keep seeing him. We have her multiple chances before coming to a conclusion on that.

She keeps turning up to the house she is not needed. She needs to find other things to fulfil herself with my parents are similar ages and have a life MIL doesn’t seem to have much going on in her life. Has all that money but doesn’t want to go on holiday etc. We won’t even ever ask her to baby sit our children on her own we don’t want her abusing our son. Considering all her children have the same story. If I’m controlling then so are all her children and their significant others. They don’t like her at least we tolerate her but she will not tell us what to do certainly won’t be telling me or our son what to do. If she wants to tell DH what to do then okay but he’s a grown adult in his 30s not a teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 18:01

Tink3rbell30 · 20/08/2026 18:00

It does seem off that the names are from your family and none from his. Should have been more fair and shared.

DH didn’t want to use his fathers first name. He likes my fathers name and sees out son growing into it when he’s a little bit older he’s still a baby right now.

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 20/08/2026 18:00

It does seem off that the names are from your family and none from his. Should have been more fair and shared.

CarrieOakie · 20/08/2026 17:57

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted

tough titty, they didn't need to be consulted and fairness in naming a child is not a thing

pictoosh · 20/08/2026 17:55

Must say that on initial reading regarding the baby names, I can see why she'd take that as a snub. It is. Even if your dh agreed. But you know that.

By the sound of things both you and mil are somewhat controlling and you both feel threatened by and resentful of the other.
You don't like her, that much is clear. You say that she doesn't like you either so there we go. You're not coming across on here as being all that pleasant tbh...but maybe you're just at the end of your tether, I don't know.

Someone said, "Christ, your dh has married his mother."
I laughed because that's possibly true.

RedToothBrush · 20/08/2026 17:45

I bet she didn't get into a consultation process over your name.

Mother and Father's family names are represented.

She can get over herself.

Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 17:44

Just because someone is a mother in law doesn’t mean they deserve respect when they have constantly disrespected you and crossed boundaries and use their tears as a weapon. For all I care she could stop messaging me and pretending to care and I wouldn’t even notice. DH has debated cutting ties with her all the time and now we have some he has had a word with her and told her if she continues she will be cut off.

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Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 17:41

Citronella321 · 20/08/2026 17:17

Would someone neutral who knew both you and your MIL say that you're quite alike in temperament?

We are nothing alike. Even my mother avoids her she’s pushed everyone away and if she’s not careful she will push her son away. He’s the only sibling that is still somewhat nice to her , all her children can’t be the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 17:40

ProudMaker · 20/08/2026 17:25

I really do hope that rant is because you are postpartum, because you are coming across as a really unpleasant person.

Not unpleasant just a woman who’s sick of another woman that isn’t even my mother telling us what to do constantly. She is not needed and needs to just stop. Sometimes you have to be harsh. I’ve tried to be nice for 13 years but that doesn’t get me anywhere with her. She wants control and she won’t get that with me and she is upset so she starts crying constantly. Anything she is told it leads to tears as a form of manipulation. She got upset because I laughed in her face, tears yet no tears were actually coming out.

OP posts: