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To tell my MIL if she wants a son to name she can go have one and not be engrossed on what I choose to name my son.

483 replies

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 12:35

Hi all, this is more of a rant than anything because I’m honestly just frustrated.
I gave birth to my son at the beginning of August, and my husband and I have chosen his name together.

We’ve named him after my father with his middle name being my grandfather’s name. We’ve also given him a double-barrelled surname/name incorporating both mine and his dad’s names.

My family are absolutely thrilled. My dad in particular is over the moon and feels incredibly honoured that his grandson has been named after him.

I am born in 89, my name was old even then and I’ve grown into it I love it, I always get compliments on it or just people curious about it. DH has somewhat of an old name too. I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha.

The name itself is quite old-fashioned. Think along the lines of Hugo/Herbert, although it isn’t either of those. Personally I love it and think it’s the sort of name that will grow with him. It might sound very “old man” on a newborn, but I can picture it perfectly on him as a little boy, teenager and adult.

The thing is, my husband and I discussed the names at length and he has always been completely on board. We also deliberately decided not to tell anyone the name or even the sex before the birth. This is our first baby and we wanted to keep it completely to ourselves and just enjoy finding out when he arrived.

DH’s parents, however, are furious about the name. His mother mainly.

Apparently it’s “unfair” that we’ve used family names from my side and that they weren’t consulted.

MIL came round last night to check on us and, inevitably, the subject came up again.
I’ll admit I was probably snappier than I should have been, but after hearing yet again how unfair it all was, I told her: “he is my son I name him not you if you want a child to name to have on yourself” She was obviously offended and the atmosphere went very awkward. My husband did his best to calm things down.

Now I’m wondering whether I was completely out of order in how I said it.
I absolutely stand by the fact that DH and I are the only people who get to decide our son’s name. But perhaps I could have handled MIL’s feelings better, especially as I’m freshly postpartum and emotions are obviously running high.

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 20/08/2026 21:46

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 15:21

Why does she care and why should she care. Our son is happy and healthy that’s all that should matter to her.

Why is your father so thrilled? Why should he care? Why should any of your family care and be delighted that two of your family members have been "honoured" (the clue is in the word honoured).

You truly sound very unpleasant and determined to upset your MIL.

JacknDiane · 20/08/2026 21:42

Why did you start this thread op?
Did you expect everyone to agree with you?

missipop · 20/08/2026 21:08

Sorry if this has already been said but I just couldn’t stand to be visited every day by anyone just after having given birth. To me this is what’s driving you mad, far more than the whole name thing. It makes me stressed just thinking about it. My daughter and I get on brilliantly but after she had given birth I always asked if it was OK to visit and assured her I would understand if she needed time alone just with her husband and their new baby.

Your MIL needs to text prior to visiting to ask if it’s OK and she needs to reduce her visits drastically. You need time to bond as a family without any interference from anyone. I can’t imagine anything worse than daily visits, particularly from someone you don’t get on with. It will be a harsh conversation that your husband has with her but it has to be done!

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 21:00

Gemilo · 20/08/2026 20:49

Are you sure you are old enough to have a child. You sound very immature.

1989 born old enough to have a child.

Old enough to make my own decisions and not be told what to do by a bitter old woman. One day I’ll be an old woman I hope I can take after the women in my family who have taught me that I have free will and I choose how to live my life same way my son will choose how to live his.

There might be a point in his life where I’ll disagree with his choices but as long as he’s does not commit crimes etc I won’t really care his life is his. At the moment he isn’t even a month old it’s safe to say my husband and I can make decisions for him he cannot consent to anything yet.

He might even change his name when he’s older. I will respect that it is his life not mine I can only give him the tools to make his own decisions and guide him while he is still a child he can’t even speak yet. For now it’s mine and DHs decisions not DHs mother who has 7 other grandchildren she can go try and control and disrespect their parents boundaries.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 20:55

Stinkybooks · 20/08/2026 20:41

@TwinklyPoster I think you contradict yourself in your op.
I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha
You had no plans to give your child an old fashioned name...... and then in the next sentance say if she'd been a girl you would have called her Agatha which is not a popular choice atm and is also very old fashioned.

I already explained this. I couldn’t edit the original post. I meant that I was ALWAYS going to name our child and old fashioned name both me and my husband have quite old fashioned names.

OP posts:
Gemilo · 20/08/2026 20:49

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 16:36

She is upset because we do not need her. She wishes we were desperate for money so she can hold it against us. Her eldest son returned to her ALL the money he’s even given her because he realised. Most of the gifts she’s tried to give baby we have said no, he doesn’t need expensive stuff. She doesn’t care about him she cares about what she can later use to say “oh I got him this that the other” buy him simple gifts or do not bother is what I’ve told her.

Are you sure you are old enough to have a child. You sound very immature.

Stinkybooks · 20/08/2026 20:41

@TwinklyPoster I think you contradict yourself in your op.
I was never going to name my child whether boy or girl something old fashion. If we had a daughter she would have been name Agatha
You had no plans to give your child an old fashioned name...... and then in the next sentance say if she'd been a girl you would have called her Agatha which is not a popular choice atm and is also very old fashioned.

Constantinoodle · 20/08/2026 20:37

Doubletroubledoubled · 20/08/2026 19:30

I’m a bit of a call a spade a spade person and that’s the sort of thing I might say if pushed, but I think that even if my husband had been fully on board my sense of fairness would not have let me go with using two names that were special to my family. No matter how much we liked them
Despite agreeing 100% that it’s for the parents to choose the names they want for their baby I can understand why MIL might be feeling a bit miffed in the circumstances, All the more so as it seems that the OPs family is not hiding its delight- a baby has 2 parents and doing what the OP and her OH have done gives the impression whether it’s intentional or not that one side of the family is being recognised more than the other.

Do you also think that when the vast majority of women take their husband’s surname upon marriage? That they are prioritising their husband’s family over their own? Do you think the husband’s family are lording it over the wife’s family then? Do you think the wife’s family have a right to be miffed in that situation?

Knittedfairies2 · 20/08/2026 20:28

Your MIL has absolutely no say it what you choose to call your child. She can be disappointed/not like the name, but that's it.

Sassylovesbooks · 20/08/2026 20:27

We chose a first name that we liked and picked a 'family name' from both my husband's and mine, that we liked, as middle names for our son.

You have picked a first name and middle name, both from your own side of the family, but nothing from your husband's.

The surname is irrelevant because you're double-barrelled it to include yours as well as your husband's.

I can understand why your MIL is hurt. Your husband's family has been sidelined with regards to names, in favour of yours. You must have both realised that your MIL would be at the very least miffed? She should have kept her opinions to herself though, because regardless of her feelings, it's still you and your husband's decision, not hers.

If your husband didn't want any family names used from his side, then he needs to tell his Mum this! 'Mum I am perfectly happy with X and X names that we've chosen for our son. I didn't like or want any names from our family. I appreciate you may not like it, but it's what it is'.

Sunnibee · 20/08/2026 20:23

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 20:03

I guess I’m obtuse I don’t see it as a big deal if she is that hurt. She should go try see her 7 other grandchild whose parents don’t even like her. She’s just a bitter old woman who wants to nitpick at everything and judge.

She cannot even respect her grandchild by not posting minors on social media. Yet acts like she cares about his name when she doesn’t care about his safety whatsoever or the concept of children not being able to consent.

Edited

Wow.

Dontlickthebin · 20/08/2026 20:15

My MIL tried this shit and even suggested another name she thought more suitable!

I said "Ok thanks for that" and put the phone down on her (was COVID era)

MIL can fuck right off.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/08/2026 20:08

Did she attempt to come and visit today ?

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 20:03

Sunnibee · 20/08/2026 19:59

Ok fine but if you are going to be so emotionally unaware/ unbothered then of course it's going to cause offence. A few comments is the price you pay! It was a snub and she's hurt.

Honestly are people really this obtuse?

I guess I’m obtuse I don’t see it as a big deal if she is that hurt. She should go try see her 7 other grandchild whose parents don’t even like her. She’s just a bitter old woman who wants to nitpick at everything and judge.

She cannot even respect her grandchild by not posting minors on social media. Yet acts like she cares about his name when she doesn’t care about his safety whatsoever or the concept of children not being able to consent.

OP posts:
Sunnibee · 20/08/2026 19:59

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:57

Yes well the names were chosen by DH and I. The surname included DHs family name and my family together.

I asked if he wanted the middle name to be his fathers he said no. We were always going to name our son names we both like. I didn’t just decide on the day he was born by myself we talked about it. As well we had no idea whether our baby would be a boy or a girl till we met him.

Ok fine but if you are going to be so emotionally unaware/ unbothered then of course it's going to cause offence. A few comments is the price you pay! It was a snub and she's hurt.

Honestly are people really this obtuse?

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:59

Why is it odd to just request for your boundaries as parents to be respected. My parents can do it, DHs father and step mother can do it. They’re all similar ages give or take 3 years it’s not as though there’s a generational gap.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:57

Sunnibee · 20/08/2026 19:53

You said he has doubled barrelled?

Of course it's going to look like a snub when you named your son after 2 members of your family and none of your in laws! One would have been fine, but 2???

Edited

Yes well the names were chosen by DH and I. The surname included DHs family name and my family together.

I asked if he wanted the middle name to be his fathers he said no. We were always going to name our son names we both like. I didn’t just decide on the day he was born by myself we talked about it. As well we had no idea whether our baby would be a boy or a girl till we met him.

OP posts:
Sunnibee · 20/08/2026 19:53

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 13:01

He has his fathers surname.

You said he has doubled barrelled?

Of course it's going to look like a snub when you named your son after 2 members of your family and none of your in laws! One would have been fine, but 2???

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:51

Foolish1984 · 20/08/2026 19:49

This. It’s very sad. Those poor in-laws are going to be well & truly pushed out of this child’s life

She is a bitter sad old woman who has pushed away all her children. DH is pretty much the last one standing. DHs father remarried and has a great wife who I get on very well with. Our son won’t miss out of grandparents, both my parents are excited to be part of his life. It’s just so easy to just not make ridiculous comments, not post minors on social media, and respect boundaries.

OP posts:
Foolish1984 · 20/08/2026 19:49

PrincessofWills · 20/08/2026 13:11

I think Op has sent a very clear message to her in laws that their opinions and feelings are irrelevant and will not be considered in the future.

This. It’s very sad. Those poor in-laws are going to be well & truly pushed out of this child’s life

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 20/08/2026 19:45

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:41

Yep what really annoyed me was when she said to him. Why the baby barely does anything X (me) can’t be that lazy. This was right in front of me. I just chose to ignore it and DH was quite upset and told her it was time to leave.

I am a few years ahead of you in terms of the baby and MIL journey. I can say from my
experience that you should prepare yourselves for her getting worse. We generally ignored the awful things that MIL says, but she got ever more outrageous just to provoke a reaction.
She’s a really old bitter woman who is not liked by anyone, in a strange way I almost feel
sorry for her.

MerryUmberHedgehog · 20/08/2026 19:42

Dont worry. Its quite the in thi g now to go for a really old fashioned name although ive not come across any Algernons yet.

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:41

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 20/08/2026 19:35

Sounds exactly like mine! She also hates that we don’t need her, so she has nothing to hold over us. She also hates that my husband took a lot of time off work when our kids were babies. She very heavily implied that it was because I hate my own babies!

Yep what really annoyed me was when she said to him. Why the baby barely does anything X (me) can’t be that lazy. This was right in front of me. I just chose to ignore it and DH was quite upset and told her it was time to leave.

OP posts:
TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:38

Abracadabra12345 · 20/08/2026 18:52

OP, you do sound at the end of your tether. It sounds as if karma has caught up with the MiL: sending an 8-year old to boarding school? No wonder there is such a distant relationship. Is the FiL in the picture? It would of course have been his decision too (and finances)

He’s in the picture he’s a bit more relaxed that her. He did remarry and his wife is amazing, she respects boundaries, doesn’t anrgue with us about posting our child on social media, doesn’t and lets us make choices about our own lives without interference. She has grandchildren and you can tell her children adore here mainly because she just lets them get on with their own lives and make their own decisions she doesn’t tell adults what to do. I think it upsets MiL because even the other grandchildren adore her.

OP posts:
cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 20/08/2026 19:35

TwinklyPoster · 20/08/2026 19:33

Yep she’s not happy. She finds it weird. Says we are indoctrinated and woke etc. It is all kind of off. She told him that’s my job etc. A lot of her views are quite patriarchal and misogynist. There’s only one way to do things any other way to get is worrying.

Sounds exactly like mine! She also hates that we don’t need her, so she has nothing to hold over us. She also hates that my husband took a lot of time off work when our kids were babies. She very heavily implied that it was because I hate my own babies!