Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

Being honest, that simply can't afford it should be enough for his friend. If he wants to keep arguing and being crappy about it - he's no friend. That's the bottom line. Sorry to say. He can book his wedding when he wants but you have no obligation to go for any reasons you like.

Oh, and I hate people who book stag and hen do's overseas, it is tone deaf. Some people simply can't afford to do this. It's expensive enough as it is going out drinking all night, cabs, meal out etc.

Good luck with the surgery OP, hope not too long to wait after all and wish you a speedy recovery after.

True friends don’t behave like that. I’d just say you’re unable to go and wish them well. If they are true friends, they would respect your decision with no argument.

I think they're super entitled and need telling.

But...

"AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?"

Yes YABU because your husband can speak for himself!

I can beat you, my little sister is getting married 2 weeks after me in June, in Ireland(we're in England)so means we can't go/very expensive for everyone! 😭😅

That doesn't sound like a friend to me.

Honestly, I think all your energy should be put into getting married and concentrating on your upcoming heart surgery. Anything else is just background noise and not really worth the upset. Withdraw from the friends wedding and here’s to a lovely life with your husband to be.

I bloody hate it when other peoples wedding ends up costing other people! I’d be telling him either you can’t commit due to heart surgery, so just count me and DW in for wedding guests.

I don’t think you should be telling the friend anything. Your DP needs to explain the financial situation and maybe ask to be a guest rather than a groomsman.

It's pretty rich of him to call you cheap while asking his groomsmen to cover suits and extra nights at the wedding venue. It would be customary for this stuff to come out of the wedding budget. If he can't afford the cost of groomsmen, he doesn't need to have them

In a fantasy world I'd change the date of your wedding to the same day as theirs. You can't possibly do both!

In the real world, no to being groomsman, no to any expensive overnights or stags or whatever, and good luck with your own wedding and surgery.

Who on earth are the 16% who've voted you are being unreasonable? I can only assume that either they took bridezillering to Olympic heights or they've voted on the thread title without reading the context. It's not the fact of them booking their wedding three weeks later, it's the reason OP and partner can't meet their demands to spend, spend, spend. Although I think what they're asking would be ridiculous and unreasonable at any time.

OP what does your soon-to-be DH think abut it? Is he trying to find away to afford it all or is he saying no way?

All that is needed is for your partner to tell his friend he cannot be a groomsman. That removes the need to pay for the stag do, suit and overnight stay. It doesn’t have to be done in anything but a good natured way. The sooner the better so they can make other arrangements. These large American style wedding parties are a choice. I imagine it might result in a reciprocal pull out from your wedding party.

If that results in further acrimony between them, then your partner needs to evaluate the friendship.

Assuming the friendship survives you need to decide if you want to attend and commit to it in so much as you can.

A lot of money and grief would be saved if you all opted to have one bridesmaid and a best man.

Weddings have gone stark staring mad, with people being coerced into 'proving their friendship' by paying for things and going to places which are impractical and unaffordable. In this situation I would tell your friends that because you can't afford to do what is expected DP can't be a groomsman, but you will be there on the day wishing them all the very best. Then leave it.

The backstory is somewhat irrelevant because even if you were wealthy it's unreasonable for them to expect you to shrll out for all that.

Making someone a groomsman or bridesmaid shouldn't effectively be a fine for being a closer friend. It should be recognition that they are special in your life and to show it they will be treated as if they are a priority, which should not mean the "special" person incurs additional expenses and chores and demands on their time. If you end up in a worse position than the remotest cousin or friend from work, how is that any sign of appreciation of them?

These people sound awful. They know you have a lot going on and that you can’t afford this kind of money on your own wedding so why would they think you’d magic it up for theirs? I’d pull out of the whole thing yesterday. Obviously your husbands responsibility to actually do it though.

I'm confused as to why you're referring to these people as your 'friends'.

This. Fucking groomzilla. What is it about weddings that turns some people into selfish entitled monsters?

Your DH needs to tell him he can’t afford any of it. That he needs to take unpaid leave to look after you after heart surgery so groomzilla needs to be considerate. He shouldn’t even need telling! I think open heart surgery just slightly trumps his wanky wedding in the order of priorities in the universe.

A message based around this would be good.

The reality is, he is not a good friend to be acting like this, so don't worry about the repercussions!

OMG some people are so entitled.

@TheBolans thirty years ago, we borrowed £500 from the bank and arranged our whole wedding for that cost. There was no hen night (shudder) and stag dos abroad weren't a thing then. In any case, he didn't like the idea of going out and getting drunk.

My mum paid for my dress (which was hired) and my sister let us use her house and garden for the reception. Her friend did the catering.

We loved our wedding. I don't think it's a good idea to spend a whole lot of money on a wedding, unless you're well-off to start with. It doesn't sound like you are, and there's no shame in that.

We spent a great deal of time writing our wedding service and vows, and discussing what hymns and music we wanted - those were the things which were important to us.

I hope you have a lovely day and that your surgery goes well.

The date is fine (YABU). Asking your wedding party to pay for their clothes and accommodation is not fine. If you can’t afford to look after the attendants properly then don’t have any (YANBU).

I think yabu to think that a close friend shouldn't book their wedding at a certain time because your wedding has been booked at a similar time.

However, yanbu to be on a budget . Yanbu to have other big things also going in life . Yanbu to prioritise your wedding and honeymoon over theirs .

I could imagine a reverse thread where a friend booked their wedding mere weeks prior.

They can plan their wedding whenever. You don't have to go if you're on honeymoon. You've said you're not on honeymoon - so that's fine.

Your DP doesn't have to pay for anything he can't afford. He can't afford a stag abroad? He doesn't have to go. Can't he wear the suit he's getting married in? If they are telling him to wear something specific, they have to pay IMO. Whoever pays gets a say in what's worn.

This ^ I like

Unless this friend was meant to be an integral part of your wedding with the associated costs etc the demands are unreasonable.

It would be different if he was paying out for your wedding and then you were refusing to reciprocate but obvs that isn't the case.