Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

What a Groomzilla!
”Sorry mate, non of that works for us. Enjoy your day.”

Definately not being unreasonable! And if his friends get upset when he tells them, then they really are not friends.

I actually think it is a tad selfish of them to book a wedding so close after yours to be honest.

I chose to excuse myself from my own sisters bridal party and away hendo as I couldn't afford it. I would never expect my bridal party to pay for things either - but to that end I just wouldn't have them.

First the ‘friend’ tells you not to book your honeymoon because of HIS wedding, then he comes out with a list of costs he expects you to pay, then he goes back on his word to cover his own costs for HIS wedding, insisting that given your wedding is more frugal, you can afterall, afford to subsidise HIS wedding. And in the background you are awaiting open heart surgery.

And this guy is a “friend”?

On what basis? Is this what true friends do?

just let you boyfriend deal with it

Op you DP just needs to be straight with the friend and tell him the truth, friend can find another friend to be his best man

They can book their wedding when they want. Ours was the first of 9 we went to the year I got married. I was bridesmaid 6 weeks later, husband was best man 2 months after that.
Luckily hen and stag dos weren’t anywhere near the extravaganzas they are now, but sometimes you just need to suck it up.

Usually a groomsman would pay for their own suit and also for themselves to go on a Bucks weekend.
Fact is that your DP needs to be honest about surgery commitments etc and reneg on an overseas Bucks weekend and being a groomsman.

As a regular wedding guest you will still need to save for the accommodation and to dress yourselves.

I think your DP needs to pull out of being a groomsman completely. He is being treated really badly by this friend and I doubt you'll be able to negotiate anything here so pull out.

You're not being unreasonable and your DH will just have to tell his friend 'no.' Because you just can't afford it and that's that.

I also think this trend of expecting wedding guests to pay for expensive hen/stag dos and matching outfits and hotels etc etc is nuts. I wouldn't do it. If they care that much they can pay for it themselves.

I also think that people who are so keen on making their wedding into some kind of mad narcissistic show haven't got a hope in hell of the marriage actually lasting, but maybe that's just me!

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July”
I would have told him it's already booked. Purely because I don't like being told what to do.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.
This is so ridiculous. If people want more than their family and friend's presence at the wedding and pre-wedding events, they need to pay for all the extras themselves - not expect/demand that guests put their hand in their pocket. It's so rude to plan an event for your own ego and satisfaction, and then demand that the people you invite should be out of pocket for the dumb things YOU want. I'm sorry, but if I'm expected to do more than turn up at the wedding dressed up nicely with a gift, and also pay for all the extras, I'm just going to decline all of it. No, thank you.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument.
He's not much of a friend, is he? After being told that his wants are unaffordable, instead of thinking, "maybe I'm asking for too much", he starts and arguement. To Hell with that.

The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding.
"I already told you we can't do this. Why are you asking me to drain my finances for you? This is the last time I'll be telling you, I can't and won't spend money on X, Y and Z. I'll happily come to your wedding, but beyond that, you're frankly asking for a bit too much".

I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.
It's not drama to calmly set boundaries when people try to cross them. I wouldn't have bitten my tongue, I would have told them straight that we won't be paying for the things they are asking.

But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.
Even if you had all the money in the world, you don't plan parties and events and expect your family and friends to pay for your whims and wants. If you want a stag do abroad, you pay for it. If you want people to wear a certain type of clothes, you pay for the clothes. Otherwise, let people come as they are, and choose activities that are reasonable. And for God's sake, don't ask your guests to pay.

I agree. Make it clear that you wish them all the best, but your wedding is the only big expense you can afford next year.

Also, you don’t need a load of stress when you’re waiting for heart surgery or have just had the operation. I hope your friends will have enough empathy to avoid making any demands on you or DH.

Best of luck with the surgery, and I hope it transforms your life for the better, as it has for several people I know xx

The 3 weeks later is fine. Our friends did the same no issues at all.

Money expectations are not fine. He should stand down as a groomsmen and just go as a guest. Or scrap them as friends altogether as he sounds like an a hole

How do they know you have a ‘cheap’ wedding? Number of guests? Location?

I have to say my answer to ‘as you have a heap wedding you can afford to pay fur ours’ would have been somethimg along the lines of ‘we’re having a wedding that fits our means wo needing groomsmen to pay for it’

I mean, if they need the ‘bridal party’ to pay for their costumes, dresses, the night before at the hotel etc…then they can’t afford the wedding they are having.

Your fiance needs to put his foot down and set a firm budget with the groom that is comfortably within your means. This includes both money and time. He need feel no guilt for being a responsible adult.

tldr: the groom is not being a good friend.

Just tell DP to message his friend "Sorry mate, we will be stretched then due to our own wedding, my wifes' surgery etc. so buying a new suit and staying the night before won't work. I would still love to be there if I can come in a suit I already own and join you in the morning of the wedding day. Also for obvious reasons I cannot afford to go abroad on a stag do a month before my own wedding, sorry!"
It's really not that much of a big deal to suggest this, I think asking them to pay for the room is a bit much tbh...
When we got married, we didn't get bothered or upset if anyone couldn't afford the hen/stag do or to go to the wedding - we totally understood it is not always viable!

@TheBolans if your partners friends wants certain things to happen & people to stay where & when he wants, then he pays for it. You can't tell people they have to stay the night before the wedding in his chosen accommodation and then tell them to pay for it! Your partner needs to tell him your reasons why your wedding is on the cheaper side, and it's not so you can spend more at his wedding

Op, somebody else may have already suggested this, the stand out to me is that you could combine your Honeymoon with the trip to Greece. Go early and finish you trip at the wedding, or the wedding is the start of it.

On other matters the friend who’s the groom should be paying any groomsman related things. Like staying the night before. Could DP where his own wedding suite as a groomsman?

You are not being unreasonable but your partner needs to handle this as it's his friend.

It is so crass to invite someone to a wedding and then present them with a bill for this crap or make demands of them like this. What has happened to people? Focus on your wedding and honeymoon OP, do not consider his timelines.

He can book his wedding for whenever he wants but he can't demand your dp pays for a night in a hotel or goes overseas on a stag do. Your DP needs to tell him he can't be a groomsman as he doesn't have the funds. Just attend as guests for the day.

Not a very nice crowd he mixes with.
In this day and age there is absolutely no shame in saying 'We can't afford'.
So, 2 choices -1) Tell them that, straight after your own wedding, you can't afford to go along with all this madness (ok, don't say the last bit!) or 2) if you don't want to be so blunt, as per a PP, unbeknown to you family have clubbed together and booked a honeymoon weekend for you and unfortunately the dates clash.
They will never change, people fundamentally don't, so have a long, hard thing about whether, going forward, their values align with yours but that's for another day.
Best wishes for your wedding and surgery.

Oh, Op, if this makes you feel any better. A lovely lovely neighbour is getting married and their wedding is one I'd actually like to go to because they are totally ace people. But I have turned it down - we are in the middle of two homes at the moment and don't know if will be an hour away or 3 but the reason is I have a very needy, nervous and kidney failure cat who throws up/refuses food a lot. Can't put her in a cattery, can't have anyone come in to feed as she will run out the house (she's done this twice already) and not come back for weeks with a stranger in it, making further care impossible. So to leave her for an entire day or possibly overnight is a no. I did feel guilty, but what can I do?

So I've turned down a wedding invite because of my cat. I think you can say no because of funds! :-)

DP just needs an honest conversation with his friend and say that financially he's completely unable to commit to any more expenses.

There probably will be a fall out, but he doesn't sound very nice, and you probably don't need that when you are about to have heart surgery. I'd be absolutely firm, state your point, then don't re-engage. He's not a good friend.

What rubbish friends. They are being extraordinarily tone deaf.
Stand your ground and make sure you and DP are on the same page. Let DP do the talking as it's his friend.
If there's a fallout and the friendship ends, I honestly don't think it's any great loss.