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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

193 replies

TheBolans · 20/08/2026 11:03

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

OP posts:
Wells37 · 20/08/2026 16:52

You don’t need friends like that.

Besidemyselfwithworry · 20/08/2026 16:37

No to the stag do
Book your honeymoon for when their wedding is so it clashes and say someone treated you to it and booked it
send them a card

draw a line under the whole drama!

You have a lot going on you don’t need this aswell.

Ethelspagetti · 20/08/2026 16:34

Honestly I think it’s easier to book your honeymoon during their wedding and explain you’ll be away.

HollyhocksandPeons · 20/08/2026 16:14

Did his friend also have an opinion and instructions on the timing of your surgery? Tell them to fuck off.

PetulaGordeno · 20/08/2026 16:06

Ah, the groomzilla. Most men in the past had zero interest apart from the stag do you which was usually just a glorified night out.
I love a wedding, I love a stylish wedding, but at the end of the day it’s the people who matter. It’s really about the bride and groom.
All these resort destination parties and 30k weddings - apart from people with real money, how is everyone affording them?!

WildLeader · 20/08/2026 15:50

Just have the argument @TheBolans

people like this “friend” get away with this utter batshittery because people allow them too

”No mate, we can’t afford a stag abroad and even if we could @TheBolans might be recovering from surgery or whatever, I’m taking unpaid leave and we have our own wedding to pay for. So, no to the stag, no to the suit, to the night before. We don’t have the money or the capacity to agree to anything atm”

tomatoplants · 20/08/2026 15:49

They’re very selfish. They knew when yours was and that you’re on a budget.

just say that you’re on a budget, would love to attend but can’t be part of the show as such. They’ll just have to get over it. If they’re good fiends they’ll understand. If not then they’re not great friends at all.

saying that yours is cheap so you can spend on theirs is mad - yours is cheap because it’s all you can afford!!

AvogadrosNumber · 20/08/2026 15:34

YABU to say that they can get married 'whenever' and that your marriage and situation should dictate their wedding date.

However, YANBU for the rest of it. I think, as PP have said, it's not unreasonable for your DP to bow out of his friend's wedding plans. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and sending best wishes for the surgery and recovery.

VickyEadie · 20/08/2026 15:32

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/08/2026 15:20

Bollocks to that. A partner of mine was asked to buy a particular suit and stay at the wedding venue. He said no, if you really want that stuff you will have to pay for it, so they relented.

I would try to find the money for the stag do though.

Why would you "try to find the money for the stag do"? It's all just expense that this couple are trying to avoid and are trimming down their own costs as a result.

VickyEadie · 20/08/2026 15:31

nomas · 20/08/2026 11:08

YANBU. DP should tell them that the reason you are having a low key wedding is due to financial circumstances, which is why you're not expecting your guests to book accomodation or to pay for a stag do or to buy matching groomsmen suits. And that for the same reason, DP won't be able to afford to pay for accomodation or to pay for a stag do or to buy matching groomsmen suits for his friend's wedding.

Edited

This post nails it for me. The OP and partner and deliberately having a small, lowest cost they can design for their wedding. They do not want to then spend a shedload on someone else's wedding.

OP's partner needs to spell it out to his friend.

chubley · 20/08/2026 15:26

Modern life is so full of waste and profligacy. This spending of money on wedding clothes is insane. You could trim costs of your wedding by not paying for groomsmen's suits and specifying on the invitation to wear suit, tie and polished shoes; does it matter if they don't exactly match? Men can wear any normal dark grey suit, shirt and tie. Then your DP can wear the same outfit to their wedding.

Daygloboo · 20/08/2026 15:21

TheBolans · 20/08/2026 11:03

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

Just dump them. You cant start having major financial stress because of them, and especially if you are having surgery. If they dont sympathise with your sotuation they are not friends. Get rid of them. They dont care about you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 20/08/2026 15:20

Bollocks to that. A partner of mine was asked to buy a particular suit and stay at the wedding venue. He said no, if you really want that stuff you will have to pay for it, so they relented.

I would try to find the money for the stag do though.

Curious77 · 20/08/2026 14:58

TheBolans · 20/08/2026 11:03

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

My ex husband fell out with his best mate over exactly this issue. His mate was very insistent on having loads of money thrown and it and overseas travel etc , but as we were raising a young family we simply didn’t have the money to do it, coupled with the fact that we were living overseas at the time too, so it would have been doubly expensive. When he explained this, his mate was rude and stroppy and told him he was no longer needed as groomsman, and their relationship ended ( despite the fact we all travelled to the wedding anyway)
this attitude people have regarding their weddings really pisses me off, they become utterly selfish attention seekers and very presumptuous about other people’s financial situations, they should be bloody lucky to have friends that are willing to be guests! Never mind the drama when they can’t keep up with their OTT celebrations.
you have enough on your plate ,do exactly as you please and avoid all the stress they are causing by stupidly booking the wedding so close to yours.

SecretSquid · 20/08/2026 14:53

The cheap wedding is the one where CFs expect their friends to pay for it.
OP yours is the generous wedding, because you aren't expecting your friends to stump up for it.
It's a shame you didn't put the CF straight at the restaurant, it would have served him right. Still needs to be done. Personally I'd be crossing them off my Christmas card list anyway after that selfish behaviour.

Sartre · 20/08/2026 14:44

Well your DP obviously needs to tell him. He can book his wedding for any date he wishes but he can’t expect your DP to afford to attend when he has his own wedding to fork out for around the same time.

YorksMa · 20/08/2026 14:43

I don't know you and even I can tell from what you've said that you can't afford it. And this person is supposed to be a 'friend'. No real friend puts you in that kind of position. Neither does any normal person say 'don't book your honeymoon after your wedding so you can do something for me'. Just say no to their nonsense and if I were your OH I'd be rethinking the 'friendship'. I hope you have a lovely wedding and that your surgery goes well.

Benjithedog · 20/08/2026 14:40

You are not being unreasonable but your partners friend certainly is

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 20/08/2026 14:38

WhatNoRaisins · 20/08/2026 14:18

I've never known anyone to have to pay for their own wedding clothes in the UK, think it's more common in the US though.

I’ve seen people have to wear a specific colour scheme, and that sometimes involves buying a new outfit. Insane. Or having to buy your own bridesmaid dress, or the accessories like shoes, hair with the bride, tan as requested, and so on.

My idea of a wedding is put on your nicest frock and turn up and be bloody nice to everyone, complement the bride and groom and all the mothers in law, all the elderly relatives, smile, don’t vomit, and say ‘wasn’t your wedding lovely?’ at various points in the future.

Pistachiocake · 20/08/2026 14:36

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/08/2026 11:11

Its your DPs friend, he needs to tell him. It doesn't sound like his friend is going to back down, or pay for stuff for just one groomsman,.so sounds like there will be lots of hidden cost expectations. I think he needs to say that he still loves him as a mate and can't wait to celebrate him getting married but he simply doesn't have the money to commit to being a groomsman so unfortunately will have to step away from doing that role if it comes with financial commitments but he will still be around to support his friend in other ways and hopes he is still welcome as a guest.

Someone that demands their friends pay a load of money to celebrate their milestones is not a decent person in my book

You're right, but a lot of people seem to be demanding much more from friends these days just because they're getting married. Less than a decade ago, people who insisted their guests dressed in certain colours/went on expensive stag/hens/spent their own money on special outfits were seen as weird bride/grromzillas.
Now some people act like they're royalty/slebs, but without the budget. Totally not ok to demand you spend, OP, or to tell you when to honeymoon.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 20/08/2026 14:33

YADNBU, OP. But I mostly wanted to say don't let their pathetic "cheap wedding" comments or any comparisons with their wedding and yours get under your skin.

Earlier this summer I attended a friend's sister's very small wedding (her sister and I were childhood friends and so I have always looked on the bride as being an extended extra sibling). There were about 25 guests, after the registry office we all went back to the brides family home where her parents hosted a BBQ for everyone, had drinks and danced the night away on her dad's newly laid decking.

It was without doubt one of the best weddings I've ever gone to because it was so small and intimate and I was privileged to be there. I much preferred it to the big Instagram hullabaloo your partner's mates are planning.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 20/08/2026 14:30

“Sorry Dave, we have nit got the money to spend. I’d love to come to your wedding but all the expenses I can’t do, so I’d love to come just as a guest (not a groomsman) for the wedding and won’t be staying over. If that’s a problem then I’m sorry.”

And if it is a problem, then he just doesn’t go and Dave is a twat of the highest calibre.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 20/08/2026 14:20

I find the whole ‘save your money so you can be at your friends event staying where they told you to, wearing what they told you to, taking as many days off as they told you to, paying as much as they told you to’ so off putting. That’s not friendship.

WhatNoRaisins · 20/08/2026 14:18

I've never known anyone to have to pay for their own wedding clothes in the UK, think it's more common in the US though.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 20/08/2026 14:16

If people want to have a fancy matching wedding then that’s wonderful, it will be an amazing experience and the photos will look awesome.

But to make financial requirements of family and friends you have invited to watch you get married is unbelievably tacky and unwelcome.

I see it happen again and again. If I was invited to one of these type of weddings I don’t think I’d want to go.

“All fur coat and no knickers” 🤣

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