Partners friends have booked their wedding 3 weeks after ours

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

Your partner needs to speak to the stag and pull back from being a groomsman. It will just be snide comment after comment if he keeps the role but can’t afford all the extras.

Say something like ‘unfortunately due to all our expenses in the next year including the surgery I’m not going to be able to afford all the things you want to do. I don’t want to spoil your fun or excitement so I think it’s best I come as a regular guest.’

Just book a honeymoon that clashes with the wedding (even if it’s in the uk). Say it’s a gift and that’s the only date possible and you can’t change it or afford anything else. Win win.

We are getting married next June, we aren’t on a lot of money so we aren’t doing the whole massive wedding thing, just a small number of people and a low key wedding. However, for us it’s still a considerable amount to save up including food, wedding dress, alterations, hair and make up, wedding rings etc etc. it’s nothing compared to the standard weddings these days that are like 30k, we absolutely can’t afford that. But it’s still taking us time to save up for it.

We are also saving up for our honeymoon, and my step brother is getting married abroad 2 months after us so we are also saving for his wedding in Greece. On top of that, I am currently on a 12 to 18 month waiting list for open heart surgery, my partner won’t have enough holidays to take time off to look after me for the amount of time we would like, so he is taking some time off unpaid so we also need to make sure we have enough money to cover him not being in work for a couple of weeks.

His friend recently told us he has booked his wedding for 3 weeks after us. He said to me “don’t book your honeymoon for straight after your wedding because we are getting married in July” I was a bit gobsmacked by the comment because… we can take our honeymoon whenever we want. But tbh we wouldn’t have booked for July anyway as we have too much going on with not knowing the date yet for my surgery and also going to my step brothers wedding in August. So it wasn’t a problem.

The problems have started now because he is asking DP to pay for a load of stuff which we can’t afford. He said he is going abroad in May for his stag do, he also said DP will need to buy his own suit, and also he wants all of the groomsmen to stay the night before in the rooms of the venue, and the groomsmen will all have to pay for themselves.

We really can’t afford this. DP already told him there’s no way he can go abroad for his stag do, and the friend got very upset by this and they had a bit of an argument. The friend ended up saying he will pay for the room the night before the wedding. We then went out with them for food at the weekend and they said they changed their minds about this seeing as our wedding is so cheap, we can pay for our own rooms the night before the wedding. I bit my tongue because I didn’t want to cause drama in the restaurant.

I understand that they can book their wedding for whenever they want to. That’s fine. But if they have all of these expectations on DP and what he needs to pay for, I feel that they should’ve taken into account our circumstances and the fact that having just got married ourselves, we may not be able to afford it.

AIBU here? Is there any way for me to firmly tell them that we cannot afford these and if he wants DP to be a groomsman, he will have to pay for him because we can’t afford it, without causing a fall out?

i’m going to be honest with you.. I get why you’re disappointed and annoyed. But it really is that kind of anger you should be having in a quiet space as a vent with your partner, knowing it’s not really fair to be angry but you’re only human, getting it off your chest and then moving on.

As a society we have all become way too self absorbed. Your partners friends have done absolutely nothing wrong - they’ve booked a wedding after yours and albeit rather close; it’s not the same weekend. You could still easily do a two week honeymoon and make it back. You also don’t know the reason for their date - their venue might have limited options, clashes with family availability etc.

How much you spend on your mate’s wedding is personal but if he’s your husband to be’s groomsman then really he should mirror it back. I get the stag abroad might be tough, and if your groom is funding his mate’s suit then it should be vice versa.

But all in all they should be able to be excited about their wedding and vice versa. When I got married ten years ago we had six weddings in the run up to ours. It was the age and time friends were getting wed. Since then we’ve all had kids, and there’s constantly clash of availability. It’s just life. Everyone’s life is their own priority, and you’ve to weigh up who/what is impotent to you vs what you can/can’t afford. If you genuinely can’t afford some things honesty is the best policy and they’ll get over it. But if it stems from jealousy in sharing the limelight be careful. We should be able to celebrate our friends and ourselves without competition or comparison.

Silly comments from them, but you there's no need for arguments or dramatics, and they can get married whenever they like.

Everything they are asking of you is optional – you just have to grow a back bone in saying no. It's as simple as that. If they get annoyed with you, then so be it. You don't need friends like that, so nothing lost.