Just walked out on kids

My DM done this twice two, no cars, out in the rain. It did not leave any long lasting impact or upset. I got it even then, she was overwhelmed, she’s human.
She had everything of us constantly squabbling.
The bad news it didn’t stop us for long.

I think there’s something to be said and to be recognised for OP being on her own.

We tag in and out a lot. A lot. My partner went downstairs during a tough bedtime last week and said “do not let him follow me.”

That option isn’t there when you’ve got two bickering kids and absolutely nobody to give you that break you need.

If your situation is the same, are you saying you still haven’t forgiven her for leaving you for a few minutes peace when you had a strop? You need to get a grip. And I say that as someone who grew up in care. You clearly have no idea what abandonment is and your reply to the OP comparing this to life-changing child abandonment has actually really annoyed me!

My mum spent my whole childhood threatening to leave, packing her bags and actually leaving, and threatening suicide. It has created lifelong issues for all of her children, me included, around people-pleasing behaviour, unhealthy independence and attachments in relationships.

This is very different from OP extracting herself from a situation to clear her head and avoid saying or doing something that could be harmful at worst or unhelpful at best.

Is it ideal to leave kids that age alone? No. Is it the worst thing in the world - also no.

I hope your conversation with them later is productive. It's only harmful if you just fuck off without context and overly blame them. Conversations framed as, "I love you both so much but the level of friction between you and the atmosphere it creates in the house is unacceptable and completely overwhelming. You are both old enough to do better, and it can't be nice for either of you, either, so we need some strategies to get along better because this pattern of behaviour ends now. Let's have your ideas."

Whenever I asked my son for input on how I should discipline him or what chores he should do, he always went further than I would have done. They can parent themselves, if you let them. ;-)

That's quite chilling, can you link to examples, especially where the boy is 12?

Me and my brother aged 11 and 9 were bickering as usual in the car one day. My mum had enough, stopped and yelled until we got out. Then drove off. We were shocked, but quickly came round and decided to hide behind the hedge to scare her, knowing she'd probably be back in a few mins and she was. So it actually taught us to pull together and certainly didn't cause any long term trauma 😂

Try what I did with my boys. (Now parents themselves) sit them down facing each other and tell them to take it in turns to insult the other. They'll start with the "I hate you," "You're annoying," etc.comments then run out of ideas. Make them keep going if they stop. It'll then degenerate into comments such as, "Your feet smell," getting sillier and sillier till they're both giggling.

You’re human. Your nervous system has a limit. You can’t regulate if you’re not regulated yourself. It was either erupt and snap, saying or doing something you’d regret, or taking a breather to give yourself time to reset.

They’re not going to have abandonment issues or be traumatised because you left them alone for 30mins.

Is it cheerleading? Because I've seen understanding, not cheerleading.

My mum did this to me when I was younger, it was quite traumatic as I genuinely believed she'd left forever - came out years later in therapy after I had my own children 😬

Having my own children though I can completely understand why you lost it with them - perhaps working on your own emotional regulation could help moving forward?

Incredible attempt here to make OP feel like stepping out means she has damaged her relationship with her children for life, followed by the "deep breaths" to make out you have her best interests at heart. Mumsnet at its finest.

If you don't want to be reported to social services (plenty on here would do so) I'd go home.

Just reading Kathy Burke's autobiography and on her sixth birthday she was given a key to the front door and a milk crate to stand on so that she could reach the lock so I wouldn't berate yourself too much for leaving kids this age for half an hour or so.

Your wording ‘I’m not having this be my life’ is absolutely priceless. I like you OP!

Well you wouldn’t know that would you as you weren’t there. And have absolutely no idea at all of my childhood experiences.

but judge away if it makes you feel superior ☺️

There's a world of difference between "I need a break!" and leaving for a bit, and saying "I'm not having this be my life" as OP did.

Depending on the background context, dynamics, history etc. the dc might've taken it seriously that she was fully leaving them.

Probably not, in this case, but I and several people I know remember the pure terror of their mothers leaving and saying they're not coming back. People who talk about this remember it in vivid detail as if it was yesterday.

i think you need to start implementing quiet time. Hopefully they both have separate rooms. Set a timer for an hour tell them it doesn’t matter what they are doing but they have to stay in their rooms and stay fairly quiet. That way they are separate and you get a bit of a break daily

Better than beating the snot out of them! Know your limits and do what it takes to be a loving mother—even if it means stepping away. I celebrate you for not turning to physical and hopefully not verbal abuse. As for the unintended emotional impact, let’s put your mask on first so you can be that loving, patient mum. Stepping away helps you do that. All the best mum! 🤗

Op I have done the same, my kids are close to the same age as yours just slightly older. I reached my limit and wasn’t doing great mentally anyway, I returned home after 20/30 minutes, feeling incredibly guilty at what I’d done, dc were fine. I just needed to have a big cry and to decompress. No I’m not proud of it and I don’t get the impression others who have done it are either but it happens, sharing experiences and relating to you is not the same as patting you on the back saying job well done.

Sure there’s an ideal way to deal with dc pushing you to your limit and i’m sure we all strive for that ideal, but we are human and make mistakes. Parenting is a long slog at times, it’s hard to do everything right and react in the perfect way all the time. No harm came to your dc and they weren’t so young that leaving them alone for a short time would have put them at significant risk. The eldest I presume would have a phone so if something did happen he could have called you. They are also old enough for you to explain why you did it and to understand how their actions contributed to the situation.

I see you have now returned home, I hope the rest of the day goes a bit more smoothly for you.

Hug to you op.
i agree that 9 and 12 are old enough to be alone for 30mins.

dont beat yourself up. They need to start listening… Xxxxx

I appreciate it’s all relative, but there are adults who remember the pure terror of their parent kicking the living daylights out of them and their other parent.

Or actually not coming back, not just threatening it and going out for half an hour.

In the grand scheme of things, driving round the corner for half an hour isn’t anywhere near that scale.

I completely accept that when you haven’t experienced that, you may well be traumatised by your mother walking out for a bit, but I think it’s important we don’t group the two together and even imply that there’s similarity.

Ah let me guess. Absolutely nothing like OP’s situation and a massive back story/drip feed about all the ways you were wronged as a kid.

To be fair, this is just normal sibling behaviour. Me and my sibling (2 years apart) would have full on fist fights on the daily, I think our parents just learnt to block it out. And one of us went crying we were told “it’s your own fault for fighting”.

But all children are different.
Her 11 year old could actually be really sensible (bickering aside), whereas another kid who's 13 could be completely untrustworthy.

I would expect the OP knows her children.

100%.

If read OP's posts, the children were more than fine when they went home and they had a talk. No lasting damage and not like your friends experience.