Just walked out on kids

The post you seem baffled by doesn't surprise me. My DB and I were regularly left home alone for an hour or so from the ages of six (me) and eight (DB). I was walking the mile to and from primary school alone from about six or seven, crossing a main road via a zebra crossing. From seven or eight, my class teacher would regularly give me cash and send me out on small errands to shops near the school. And I was walking to our local swimming baths, having a swim, getting changed again and coming home again, on my own, at the same age.

It was different times but I think children were trusted and expected to be more mature back then than they are now.

Lots of very OTT and blaming posts on here.
When did we become so coddling towards our children?
You haven't scarred them for life at all but you made them sit up and take notice and you removed yourself from a situation where you could have just ended up shouting at each other.

I don't think you did anything wrong and don't blame you for it at all. Bickering kids at the age yours are at can be unbearable to be around.

When I was teaching I had what my doctor called an opera singer's throat, when I was speaking to a class I would suddenly start to cough and my throat was very dry, it would often lead to tears! Once teaching a low set who could be hard work the lesson was going well but as I was speaking I started to cough and tears flowed, I walked out of the room and got a glass of water, I was gone maybe a couple of minutes. When I returned there was deathly silence and scared looking faces until I said Sorry about that, it happens occasionally! They wondered what they'd done wrong!

Except that my mother did it about 50 years ago and neither I nor my (many) siblings was a feral child. We’re all highly successful adults now!

It’s hardly abuse: it’s showing that even a perfect mother has her limits and is human. It’s actually a tough lesson to learn but an essential one.

As for saying that @patiencehasgone has caused damage? There are hundreds of things which are likely to cause far more damage than a mother removing herself for half an hour or so when children are pushing her past endurance.

Being bullied at school, absent fathers, actual physical abuse and so on. Far more damaging than a one-off moment when a mother removes herself from bickering children who have stopped listening.

I am probably the least likely person to do what you’ve done OP, I am a really calm parent - I’m not saying this to brag. I actually think it’s a fault of mine. In stressful situations my mind just goes blank and I just have to pause for a moment before my brain starts working again and I can react. This is usually great for me when it comes to parenting! But at the same time, my children will never learn that I have a limit. I think it’s important for older children to learn that everyone has a limit.

Removing yourself from a situation that is too stressful for you is the best decision you could make. What other option do PPs suppose you had when you felt the way you did? Removing yourself from the situation is better than a shouting fit or whatever else. Or are they just suggesting you shouldn’t have felt so stressed? Well, too bad - you did feel stressed. You’re only human.

In many countries 9 year olds are walking to school alone each day with zero issues. We have a tendency to coddle in this country. A 9 year old at home for 30 minutes with their older sibling will be perfectly fine under the circumstances.

I think it’s fine to leave a 9 and 12 year old alone for half an hour. It’s the threat implied in not explaining what was happening and the blame placed on them to “consider your feelings” rather than accepting responsibility for your own feelings that I think are the issues here. Deep breaths, like someone else said, will help more than transferring responsibility for your feelings onto your children. It’s quite possible this will have the desired effect, but then they may grow up to feel comfortable in abusive relationships, blaming themselves for their partners inability to control their feelings (speaking from experience).

Mine are older now but I do remember what it was like when they were utter pains in the arse and get on your last nerve. I never left my two like you did (though no judgement) but I’d occasionally wrangle them into their rooms early in the day and tell them to fucking stay there!

Go home. Send them to their bedrooms, turn wifi off, tell them 2 hours to think about their behaviour towards each other.

YABU you’ve taught your children that you’ll abandon them when things are hard and you’ve taught them that when there’s an argument they can just run off! What if you’d had an accident in that time?!

It’s fine to need space but that’s another room, or the end of the garden.

I think giving yourself a breather was fine and you all needed the space.
I probably wouldn't have left for quite so long though without them knowing how long I would be gone for and if I was coming back.
It's only now at similar ages that I will leave mine to nip to the supermarket but I always check my son's phone is charged and he knows where it is so I can contact him/he can contact me if there is an issue. They also know roughly how long I will be gone for.

I once had had enough, me and hubby left the house at 6 pm on a Saturday and headed off in a taxi to the city center, stayed in a hotel and had a great time. Don't think the kids noticed we'd left for hours. Around lunchtime next day hubby suggested we go back, I said absolutely no way, because I knew they'd still be in bed. Plus we were having a lovely time together with no kids .............

The relief of being away from them. They were right contrite by the Sunday and we all went for a lovely Sunday lunch. With a less frazzled me ! Great decision. You're are a tad too young yet .........

This is a reflection on you, not their behaviour - which is entirely normal for children. If you genuinely love and care for these children you will get help to better regulate yourself or you will lose them for good.

Agree with this 100%

my response with mine was to send them to their rooms and tell them that unless they could exist in each others space without fighting, then they didn't get the right to be in each others company.

That's ok. It's a coping mechanism..exactly the same with a newborn.
Leave the room/house, go round the block. Gather some head space, come back and carry on.
Try giving them separate tasks

It sounded to me like you were only responding to the posts validating what you had done. I’m actually not judging. But there are posters who have pointed you towards actual helpful resources who you seemed to have ignored and tried to minimise what you had done, and praising your children for having apologised and “seen your feelings” - of course they apologised, they are probably terrified now.

I did this once. Drove the 6 miles into town, got a coffee, sandwich and cake, drove home into the village and ate it all by the village green (just down the road). After 45 minutes I went back and took a very deep breath.

They were very sheepish to say the least, and they didn't bicker again for at least 2 hours

Sounds like you deserved it.

I’m definitely a common or garden variety and now one of the things I love most about my children being grown up is never having to deal with long school holidays 🥳 I always felt one moment away from a nervous breakdown and my kids were the least feral you could get. Even those kids can send you to insanity during the summer holidays. I remember reading ‘never cry in front of your kids’, well I cried and that, more than yelling, brought my kids to heel. They didn’t mind seeing me angry or exasperated, but they hated seeing me upset.

This would've probably been a better first response, separate send to their rooms so you can have 30 minutes to have a tea and calm down. Losing your shit and storming out of the house isn't removing yourself from conflict it's a tantrum, it's not modelling what you expect from them

I think there is a distinction to be made here.

If a parent needs to step away for a few moments for a breather and tells her children she’s gone for a coffee/walk and will be back in 30 mins, this is a world away from
a parent telling a child they are leaving them because they are too much.

It sounds like the OP’s scenario was more akin to the former which is 100% no big deal. The only consideration is physical safety and, at 9 & 12, the risk is minimal.

But it sounds like what @Nousernameideaaga experienced was closer to the latter and the damage here is pyschological. Because, although the reality is the parent may only be away for a short while and be close by, the child experiences the loss as if the parent has left for good (that’s what theyve been told). This creates a permanent feeling of instability. It’s probably hard to describe if you havent experienced it.

But i think this is why there is such a huge conflation of opinion here. Leaving a 9 & 12 year old alone for 30 mins to get a breather is no big issue. As long as they know youll be back.

Deep breathes and gather yourself. Take a few minutes for you

My mother would have done the same to us if we didn't shut up. And I wouldn't have blamed her.