Just walked out on kids

Ive got 3 boys and the 2 oldest ones argue over total inane stuff… they drive me bonkers sometimes.
I retreat to the garden with a coffee, take the youngest one with me and close the door.
If they come out to try and get me to take sides they are told in no uncertain terms that I don’t want hear anymore of it and to go back inside if they are going to ruin the peace.
I only intervene if it turns physical, which thankfully is lessening now they are getting older and the older one is so much bigger than his brother, he has been told that throughout his life people will annoy him etc and that he is not to use his size and strength on others.
I think you’re at the worst ages now TBH mine are now 13 and 11 and it’s definitely better then it was.

I'm disgusted at your comment, it's actually very manipulative you're projecting a story that isn't relevant to this thread, and then lashing out at other people, because they are not responding in the way that you want to your own situation. the idea that an adult human suddenly becomes this Kind, compassionate, calm person as soon as they're a parent is crazy, also, at the age of 12. We were walking to school at the age of 11. We were walking to school and your parent could definitely pop to the shop to get something and be out for an hour. You're either extremely immature or mentally unwell. Respectfully, you're not talking about a normal situation where a 9 and a twelve-year-old couldn't be left alone for half an hour. That's crazy. And it's scary to think that there's people like you that would be hovering to that extent that you wouldn't even realise the value of self regulating by stepping outside that whole idea of like, i'm sorry, that'd have to be a lot younger for this, to be a problem, and they're not locked in the house.You've made up a whole story in your head, you need to get help

I don't think you have done anything wrong. You won't have scarred your children for life. What you will have done, is teach them a lesson - that they have to calm their behaviour down when you ask them to. I hope you are okay.

The hyperbole in this thread is off the chart (yes I get the irony). It was an exhausted mum coming to the end of a long hot summer. She probably feels quite bad or she would not have posted here imo. Nobody is perfect we all fuck up every now and again, as long as others have said it isn't a regular thing then no harm done. Those of you who bandy around abuse and neglect claims really need to start to get a clear picture of what those actually mean before flinging them off willy nilly.

I'm in my mid 50s. It seems to be more common now than when I was younger. I may be totally wrong. Are you and your husband on the same page about this? I think i would sit down as a family and discuss this. I would also be issuing sanctions

Ok, I’ll stop being ridiculous by having a different opinion from you, since that’s what ridiculous seems to mean in your dictionary.

Of course it wasn't emotional abuse, don't be ridiculous. It was an exhausted mother showing her kids that she too has a limit. It doesn't hurt children now and then to learn that it's not ok to push their parents to breaking point.

This is what I was thinking - take some deep breaths and find out what the actual
problem is. Someone up thread posted a useful resource for parenting disputes between siblings. Everyone on here seems to think the only options are shouting or storming off. You could go in another room if you need space to calm down.

FWIW, I have lost my temper plenty. But there is no way I’m going to make out that’s my kids’ fault. My kids’ worst behaviour comes from the behaviour I have modelled when losing my temper. I have to own that and I have to do better.

I also know that I wasn’t able to control my temper because that wasn’t adequately modelled to me when I was a child, and I learned to blame myself for my parents temper which wasn’t healthy (not that my family was abusive but it lead to accepting abusive dynamics in my early adulthood).

Again, as with another poster, you suggest this was a regular thing during your childhood not just a one off.

Doing this kind of thing regularly, as part of your parenting style, is entirely different to the one off incident which is being discussed here.

I’m guessing there was more to your situation as no forgiveness is needed here. OP did the very best thing. As a beaten child ..of all choices this is low to no trauma

If their fighting is that bad you need to mediate. Why have you just walked out? Whose towel is it, who was using it, why all the upset?

My mother never did, she always took a "oh will the two of you SHUT UP, I can't listen to anymore of it."

My older sister is a huge bully. Friends all cut contact with her eventually. My mother still does the same thing - simply demand I get over whatever horrible behaviour my sister has launched at me.

The result is that now I am completely no contact with my sister, low contact with my mother and truthfully feel very let down by my mother who never bothered her ass to be fair or take charge.

I agree with others that removing yourself from the situation is the best option, but to me this means going to another room.

I remember my parents arguing when I was a kid, and being really scared when one of them would take the car and leave. Even if they were back 30 min later. I wouldn't want to do that to my children.
If I were you, I would have a discussion with them about that too, apologise and reassure them.

My kids are much younger though, we've only had about a year of the bickering and it drives me mad as well!
The main message I try to carry to my kids though is the impact they are having on each others, as well as the people around them. It makes everyone unhappy and tensed, including themselves.
And to me when they are fighting over some ridiculous like a face towel, I take away the object and separate them each to their room.

No one is normalising it and no one is suggesting the OP does it regularly. What people are doing is understanding it and letting the OP know that doing it this once is fine and is not going to damage her children long term.

Maybe you are reading a different thread but I have definitely not seen anyone saying it's fine to do this on a regular basis??

And I don't see that locking yourself in the bathroom as you suggest is a good solution. Tbh, that would probably have had zero effect on the kids and they would have just carried on bickering with OP just having to witness it still but through the bathroom door!

Instead she gave them a one off wake up call and returned to find sheepish and contrite children who realised that their behavioiur wasn't acceptable.

OMG, I burst out laughing. Your poor, poor mum 😆

Oh god can you imagine!! LTB x 1000.

Me too, but that was AGES ago and time has moved on.

I agree, removing yourself from a situation that could become volatile is a great idea. You could go in the garden, I have been known to lock myself in the bathroom, just stay in the vacinity as you can still monitor the house while you take some deep breathes.

Children absolutely should be taught that their behaviour can have an impact on other people's feelings and that they should consider how their actions affect those around them. You also have to teach them that feelings are never an excuse for bad behaviour.

Of course that would have been uncomfortable for the kids. But maybe that will make them think twice before they display this shitty unacceptable behaviour again.
Short sharp shock. Not nice but well needed.
They sound insufferable. I wouldn’t want that to be my life neither.

I had my own key from the age of seven, walked myself home from school and spent two hours by myself until a grown up came home

I think the responses would be different if a woman was saying her DP/DH had done this too.

Yes it is but your post contained the sarcastic "I must have missed that in my parenting course(s)" line which is what I was referrring to.

I still think removing yourself from a volatile situation when you feel you are going to lose it is far better than staying and losing it. The OP removed herself because it felt like the right thing to do and I don't see it's any different to removing yourself from a crying baby.
The kids in this case are far older so going a bit further and for a bit longer is also fine.

It’s okay that we disagree.

I don't see the difference actually.
The OP's kids were perfectly old enough to be left alone for all of 30 minutes and far better that than the OP totally losing it in front of them.

Honestly, the sanctimonious nonsense in some of these posts!

I don’t think driving off- presumably without telling your children, (do they know you have left or where you are/when you are going to return)- is absolutely fine at all, which some responses seem to imply. It’s not really very fair on them and a sign that things aren’t ok for you.

Equally, I don’t think it is going to irreversibly emotionally scar your children. They will most likely be fine, but there might be unintended consequences for some children. And, if you leave suddenly without telling them/ or just saying “I’m going out” obviously angry with them, but they have no idea where or when you will be back you must acknowledge the risk that they might panic/over-react (e.g. go out looking for you). It’s not great, if we are being honest. I do sympathise with the impulse- mine fought like Cats and dogs at times, it could be exhausting- but I don’t think I can shrug it off as absolutely fine either.

My father did this when I was about 10 years old. I remember it quite clearly- I was upset and really worried, my older brother shrugged it off as Dad being daft. I then became quite anxious about anything which I thought might upset him so tried to keep things to myself if I thought they might anger or upset them. When my parents realised my dad made a sincere apology, explaining that he had been in the wrong for leaving like that but that he did because he was about to lose his temper. He also made clear our behaviour had been pretty awful, but was honest that his response wasn’t fair either. He never did it again (he did sometimes go into the garden for some space). This reassured me and I was ok.

So I guess what impact it has depends on your children/their response and also how you explain what happened.

Going forward, I think you need to work
out why you became so overwhelmed and if there are things you can put in place to support you/changes you need to make to impove things so that you don’t need to do this again.