Just walked out on kids

No judgment here @patiencehasgone . You are around the corner, they are old enough to manage for 30mins and your husband is aware. Parenting is tough and sometimes you need to show your kids you have been pushed to breaking point.

However you manage it when you get back, you’ve got this. You can do this.

Am sending a hug!

You are the one they learn their conflict resolution and communication skills from.

Why haven't you taught them better?

I’m not surprised she walked out on you if this is the sort of person you are.

”Never forgiven her”.

Jesus wept.

I feel for you, two of my kids were like this. No idea why as the other two weren't the same. Just to warn you in my case it got worse and the teen years were hell. They are perfectly reasonable adults and get on fine. Good luck.

9 and 12 they be fine and perhaps realise they are pushing u to your limits

the sensible thing to do is to distance yourself settle and then go back rather the than escalate to the point it gets out if control

nobody’s going to be mentally scared

I used to just go and lie on my bed (with the door closed). After a bit I’d get a little knock on the door and contrite kids apologising.

They are not toddlers.

Yep. The key word here being 'constantly'.
Cant have been that terrified or you would have modified your behaviour.

Go home and put them both in their own rooms to tidy them and they are not allowed out until it is tidy. Put your music on and sit and read a book on the landing.
Then get them out one at a time and let them know how upset you feel.

It is painful the bickering.

Kinnell.
Extreme reaction from you.Were you being an absolute twat to her?

Actions have consequences.

They need to know that they are making living in the household unbearable. They’ll survive.

Agree when you get home you need to back it up with a stern talking to and clear consequences for any such idiotic arguing in future.

Sympathy.

I went through a phase of getting up from the dinner table and taking my plate to another room. I would tell the DC that they could come and get me and I would rejoin them if they resolved their differences. Or I'd tell them that they couldn't join me at the dinner table until they could behave in a civilised manner.

They don't really interact much unless they have to be together, so mealtimes were a flash point.

They were tweens/early teens at the peak of their bickering and it was exhausting.

so why didn’t you both stop when she told you?

if you were terrified after it happened once, that would have stuck and you wouldn’t have done this again

You did the right thing to remove yourself from the situation.

Unfortunately, this IS your circus and those are your monkeys and you will at some point go back and tell them that they need to pattern up because arguing over every single bloody thing, even a bloody face cloth is driving you to distraction, so cut it out

It's not ideal by todays standards but you certainly can teach a child through fear. Not talking toddlers here are we, but older children who've developed the skills already just choosing not to behave.

Mine are the same ages, my tactic is to ignore them.

No? I suspect this will shock them into stopping.

The problem with intervening is that the children often see this as the parent picking sides (as they both get told off for something they consider the other one started) and it does not help.

Take a break, regroup and get back in there when you feel ready.

Wow this is awful. I’m sorry but no. This is not ok. Yes they’re old enough to be left alone, but that’s not the point. You’ve not told them you’re nipping to the shops for a loaf. They think you’ve walked out and left them! I’d have been in bits as a child if my mum had done that.

That really doesn’t help.

Everyone seems to be expecting adult levels of brain development from 12 and 9 year olds. They just don’t have that.
Mine are 13, 11 and 7 so I absolutely get the intense frustration at the bickering. But it’s a completely normal part of development. It’s how they learn about conflict resolution. My brother and I bickered constantly, then were the best of friends from about ages 18 and 16 onwards until he died.
That doesn't make it any less frustrating for the adults in the family, but sibling bickering is part and parcel of having more than one child.

But OP hasn’t separated the children, she’s taken herself away from both of them, by your own argument she’s leaving them to potentially get physical rather than dealing with the conflict in a healthy way?

Imagine we're all this perfect....

Back to reality, you're fine OP. They'll be fine too and potentially gives them a boot about their behaviour.

Probably because children learn best when they feel safe, connected, calm. When a child feels scared their brain is so busy trying to deal with that emotion that they aren’t actually taking in anything about lesson or cause. You do not teach a child about behaviour through fear- hope that helps!

Actually I think removing yourself from an argument is positive rather than sniping on and on at each other while it escalates. My cousins were a similar age gap and they used to get physical which would not have happened if one of them left the room.