DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

I had mine way after that! I split up with my long term partner at 25 and I was devastated, I couldn’t see a future with him but was so scared of starting again and missing the chance to have a family (something that was incredibly important to me too), I was then single for 10 YEARS! Absolutely refused to settle, 90% of the time I would refuse even a second date, and I sadly convinced myself that children was not on the cards for me, before meeting my partner at 35, knew he was the one immediately, I messaged my best friends WhatsApp group the night I met him and told them I’d fallen in love at first sight (very unlike me). Had my first child at 37 and second at 39 and oh my gosh I thank my lucky stars everyday that I did not stay in that previous relationship!

God he didn’t even want you sitting down 🚩🚩🚩
This man would have made you his personal flunkie while also leaving you to work full time and do all the kid stuff. MASSIVE BULLET DODGE

Nailed it!

Yep!

I'm child-free and when I was dating it was really, really easy to just... not date men with kids.

I know some people (saints) who have really embraced the step-parenting role and are very good at it - they are more-the-merrier types who love being part of big families, and they have a lot of love to give even to kids who aren't related to them. If you don't have that personality (I certainly don't) I just can't fathom why you'd choose that life for yourself.

Exactly this. At your age why are you with a divorcee?

Don’t feel stupid. It’s a common tactic for men to promise the world to women that they can persuade to take on their parenting workload. As you have discovered, they then change their minds once they think you’re locked in to the relationship.

Be very prepared for what comes next if you break off the relationship. There will be emotional blackmail based on how much his children love you and miss you. He may make noises about reconsidering having children with you. To put it bluntly, he won’t want to lose the free nanny service he’s been used to (despite his criticism that you’re not doing enough of his parenting tasks).

Grieving the end of the relationship and life you thought you had is totally understandable. The only gift he’s given you is to reveal his dishonesty early enough for you to move on, and build a new relationship based on honesty and trust.

(Edited for typo)

IKWYM. If you're single and meet someone who has a child you have zero investment in that person. You don't really know their personality so all you have to go on is there looks.

So people are deciding that someone is so hot they're willing to complicate their life dealing with ex's and taking on a step parent role etc. That seems insane to me. Different of course if it's a long term friendship that's developed into more.

Im so sorry, at least you know before you are attached. I met my DH with a significant age gap when he had 2 kids just about to turn teenagers. He said, correctly, just because I have kids doesnt mean you should accept just being a step mum, we then went on to have 4 together. Thats what a decent man does

Don't accept it and dont fall for it if he says he will have a baby in the future because chances are hes stringing you along xx

It wasn't your chance though, because he was lying and using you and he doesn't want the same things. Your chance is still to come.

Don't do that! I did a after 10 years of marriage and "waiting for the right time" 'D'H(now ex), decided that he didn't want kids after all. I was clear that I did, and would be with or without him, and he told me he thought more and did want them after all - that was a lie.

He never wanted them and never did a single thing to raise them. He slept in a different room while I di every single night waking, left for "work" as soon as I got up with the kids and didn't come home until after I had put them to bed (he was self employed, but his earnings did not match the amount of hours he was out, so fuck knows what he was doing).

I broke up with the man I thought was the love of my life at 35. I was absolutely devastated and resigned myself to being single and childless.

Met my now DH at 36, had our DC at 39.

It is impossible to imagine when you are in the grips of heartbreak, but you will swiftly realise that there are many people who could make you very happy. It is crucial that you have shared values and want the same things. That is a grown up relationship which will grow genuine love, attachment, respect and friendship that will last you through a lifetime together, not to mention the ups and downs of childrearing.

It will be okay OP. Put yourself first and don't waste your childbearing years on this man.

Men are not 'allowed' to donate sperm after 45 years because it's quality might be poor. They are not as fertile 50+, as they think they are.

At least he’s come clean now, not in another 5yrs time.
You want different things, and thats okay - no child should be born to an unwilling or indifferent parent.
You have time to start over, it’ll be tough for a while I’m sure as you've had the rug pulled from under you, but there is something better around the corner for you.

OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now and I'm disgusted with your DP that he wasn't upfront from the get go about his uncertainties of having more kids.... he is treating you so badly and deceiving you in the most unimagineable way possible. Please don't waste anymore time on him, he doesn't deserve you and any more future hours/days/weeks/years of your time.

If it gives you hope, I met my DP at 28, married at 32 and had our first child at 38 (we struggled to conceive for years and had a long journey to get there...but we did and I'm forever grateful for our beautiful girl). If there is one piece of advice, and more as a security blanket for you so you can take some time finding Mr. Right for you, could you look into getting your eggs frozen so when the time comes and if you need them, you’ll have this option. I know a few people that did when they were younger until they found their person in crime. Sending you big hugs OP, the right person will be there for you ❤️ 💗

Never arguing isn't a good thing OP. Healthy arguments lead to resolutions. No arguments at all is a red flag.

OP, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation, it’s not your fault.

On the bright side, it must make the prospect of the relationship ending seem a lot less daunting - now you know for sure he is not on the same page as you, he has misled you about something so crucial, and he is quite happy to put his own needs, preferences and desires above yours permanently even if it spoils your hopes and dreams of a family? He’s thinking about what’s easiest for him. Not a man to procreate with, I’m afraid.

You are so lucky that you’re so young and know so clearly what you want - imagine, you could have got to 37 being unsure whether you wanted kids, yet it’s clear now this is a dealbreaker for you. You’ve had fun with him and still have time to have the family you want if you end things now.

You need to look up the 'Sunk cost fallacy in relationships'.
It's where women stay in relationships that aren't working, for whatever reason, because of the time and emotional energy they've already invested. Part of this is fear of the unknown, in your case the fear of whether you will be able to meet someone new in time to have children.
It's the thing that keeps women in relationships they know they should leave. But the longer you stay in this relationship the less chance you're giving yourself to meet a new partner. I would strongly advise some counselling to work through this, firstly to stop yourself going back, to stop the panic and to help move on from this relationship to give yourself the best chance to find a new healthy relationship.

I stayed in a relationship years longer than I should have through my 20s. It eventually ended. I didn't find another relationship and when I turned 35 I honestly had to come to terms with the fact I likely wasn't going to have children. Then I met up with an old friend I'd not seen for years and 9 years later we have 3 beautiful children. I was 40 when my youngest was born. I always say everything happens for a reason. Your current relationship is the one that's taught you how important having your own child is to you. Take that with you as you venture out to find a man who wants the same thing you do.

As hard as it is, please don't let him waste your time. As a man, he has all the time in the world to ponder about whether he wants kids or not, you don't (although you are young, the years go fast!) I have seen firsthand this situation play out. Women kept waiting in the hopes of him changing his mind - and running out of time. Your life goals don't align. No matter how much you love him, that's a dealbreaker (and the bloody cheek of him telling you to look after HIS kids!!)

I agree. It's not 'stringing along' to take time to understand if someone is the right fit for you and your DC long term. DP opened up a few months back about OP lack of interest or involvement with his DC. In those months he may be seeing if she does care enough to want to form a bond. Perhaps he's realised now she's not and he's now giving it to her straight that he doesn't want kids with her.

The other thing I would advise is not to date men who have kids already. Genuinely can't comprehend why a 20-something woman who wants her own kids would do this (unless she's really into the idea of being a stepmother and committed to all the work that entails).

Well he clearly did.

Some posters seem to have a pathological need to assign blame, to accuse the man of "stringing someone along" when it's most likely that he hadn't made his mind up yet.

A couple of years ago a good friend of mine was in a similar position - he was 39, his girlfriend was 29. He didn't have kids, she wanted them (but only in the future - not any time soon). He initially thought he'd be up for fatherhood but as time went on found he was dreading the idea, not excited about it. He wrestled with this for several months - I was one of his sounding boards and I advised him that as difficult it seemed to make up his mind, he needed to do it quickly so as not to string her along. And fair play to him, that's what he did. They split up, she was obviously upset at the time but after a couple of months realised she was in a much better situation than if they'd stayed together.

They're still friends, he has much more clarity that he wants to be child-free, her dating life is going well but she's still in no real rush - I think she always intended to have a kid in her mid-30s and she's not there yet.

Which brings me to my other point for the OP - having kids in your mid or even late 30s is par for the course. I only know one woman in my social circle who had a child before she turned 30.

I 100% agree with this. He hasn’t changed his mind at all he knew exactly why he was doing. If you strip this back op, you haven’t lost “the one” you’re escaping a liar and a charlatan. This guy isn’t all he appeared to be, I know it hurts but you’ll look back and be grateful it came out before you’re 39 and thinking you’ve missed your chance.

If you want kids its very silly to get involved with a man that much older than you. Why do women keep doing this?
Find someone you're own age, not some dude a decade older who has already been through all the baby crap twice before

Well said!