Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP has changed his mind about wanting kids.

605 replies

stepparenthelp · 19/08/2026 21:15

Yesterday DP (M39) and I (F29) were messaging and he mentioned moving in together. We’ve spoken about it before but this time we were talking about specific dates and so this was different. We get on so well and love each other very much. We’ve been together for 2 years.

That evening after work, DP and I were talking about the move in process. Once we were done he said that we should talk more about having kids before doing anything. This was confusing to me as we’ve discussed that we both want at least 1 child together. He has 2 girls from a previous relationship aged 6 and 8.

DP then told me that he isn’t sure he wants anymore children due to financial concerns and his age. The financial concerns make no sense to me as we live comfortably and would be fine with my salary also considered. He feels that he is too old to go through the baby stage again.

Please keep in mind, just weeks ago we were lying in bed and he (unprompted) said how nice it would be to be a family and have a baby. In the past he has told me that he would love to give me a child. We had discussed names and what sex we wanted.

To say I’m upset is an understatement. I can’t stop crying. I had my entire life planned based on the assumption that we would have children together. This change of heart from him is so out of the blue and random, I just can’t understand it.

A few months ago, DP sat me down and said that he didn’t feel I was involved enough with his children and that rather than relaxing in the living room when they are here I should make more of an effort to sit with them and do things like their homework. So now this feels like a huge slap across the face - ‘help me raise my kids, but none for you.’

I do not want to waste my childbearing years looking after the children he had with someone else when I don’t have my own. I don’t want to be the spare part at his kids’ events forever and always be pushed to the side at weddings, birthday and so on. My heart breaks even typing this.

Has anyone else been through this? I love my DP so much. The thought of not being with him is just heartbreaking, it hurts so much. But I just can’t imagine being content with watching him be a father and knowing he kept me from being a mother. 😢😢😢

TLDR; DP said many kind and reassuring things to me about wanting kids together but has changed his mind and doesn’t want them.

^^ Copied from my Reddit post as it’s in a mod queue.

OP posts:
GingerdeadMan · 20/08/2026 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Two2TooAlsoToToward · 20/08/2026 12:51

Exactly

What She Said GIF by The Free Mama
MJEBinAthens · 20/08/2026 12:48

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

outerspacepotato · 20/08/2026 12:47

At the moment he’s got the best of both worlds. Part time dad, sex on tap with you and free time with you whenever he doesn’t have the kids. He’s got the perfect set up.
If he progresses on to having kids with you, he’s replicating what he had before: full time family life.
What he seems to be admitting is that he doesn’t want that. Not with you and probably not with anyone. Fair enough. It’s a lot to start over at 40 and begin again for anyone.

@PinkBottle75 has it in a nutshell. He doesn't want full time family life. He had that and left it. He doesn't really enjoy spending time with the kids he's got, that's why he wanted you doing parenting things, much less have more.

You know what you want in your life and he's not on the same page. Time to exit this relationship due to incompatibility and go for exactly what you want.

Paul2023 · 20/08/2026 12:45

I’ve already posted on this thread, but I don’t agree necessarily that the OPs partner has lied. He has said he doesn’t want more children , before they moved in together. I don’t think he’s lied as such , but has changed his mind hence the thread.

But yes he did initially say he wanted children unprompted, OPs words on original post.

We don’t know if he’s a good dad or not but he has two young children and his previous relationship obviously didn’t work out which would be a red flag to me. He separated from his ex with two young kids.

Who’s to say he wouldn’t do the same again?

I also said he does seem to have the best of both worlds , part time dad , partner who’s a decade younger and owns her own place , with her job and good salary.

He sees you as a good catch I’m sure. He may even be a decent guy.. but I’d honestly break it off now and find someone more compatible who doesn’t have children.

PansyZer · 20/08/2026 12:44

You need to leave honestly.

You will absolutely regret giving away your chance to have children to a man that already has them. You could invest yourself in his children for years and still end up losing them if you split. You are only ever a guest in his family life.

Definitely time to bail. You're young enough now to have time to meet someone else. Be grateful he's told you now, when you're only 2yr in and are young enough to find someone else.

ginasevern · 20/08/2026 12:39

You dodged a bullet OP. Blended families are a nightmare and you are very young to be a stepmum.

LeastOfMyWorries · 20/08/2026 12:37

stepparenthelp · 19/08/2026 21:40

Did anyone here have their first child after 32? 😢 I’m just thinking that I’ll probably need at least a year to get my head around this, and then I guess at least two years before an engagement. That’s assuming I find a half decent man which is close to impossible.

Even just thinking of being with someone else is crushing me. Sorry, I know that mumsnet isn’t exactly sympathetic to the man-pining but I’m really struggling tonight.

I bet many of us on here a little longer in the tooth have friends who have been in similar positions, I have some who found themselves single and childless at 35 and have ended up a few years later with very lovely partners and gorgeous small children!

Throw this one back, grieve the loss of the future you had thought you had, but be open minded and open hearted and I'm almost certain it will happen for you too.

aintnothinbutagstring · 20/08/2026 12:33

I'd think very long and hard about having children with someone who already has children. If you're looking for someone else - ideally look for someone childless so that your child together is the priority and not playing second fiddle to children who are not yours. And on the subject of criticism of your step-parenting and suggestion you do homework etc. with them (makes you sound like his employee btw) - what exactly does he do in this time? They are his children - he should be using that time to spend 1-1 with them, not you (unless you choose to).

Bonkers1966 · 20/08/2026 12:32

stepparenthelp · 20/08/2026 11:45

Thank you for the (mostly) very kind and thoughtful responses. I know what I need to do 😔💔 sat in my car on my lunch break trying to be strong.

Just 4 weeks ago I forgot my contraceptive pill and so I drove back to mine to get it. When I got back I made a joke about not wanting and mini mes until we got married and he said ‘well, if it did happen it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I’d support you both and we would make it work’ and he was smiling 😭😭😢😢 how can he go from that to no kids so quickly.

Thank you all again for your advice.

That incident may be what triggered him, OP. He said all the right things on the day but when he pondered it later, he realised that it wouldn't have been all right with him. You are lucky you found out now. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you really are. Take care.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/08/2026 12:32

stepparenthelp · 19/08/2026 21:22

Your poor colleague, I can’t even imagine.

I don’t feel like I’m ‘only’ 29. Dating is terrible and it’s rare to find a man now who wants commitment. I feel like this was my chance and now it’s gone 😢😢😢

Show quote history

@stepparenthelp - this is 100% NOT your only chance. Please don’t think that. Better to wait for the right person than to settle for a relationship that won’t make you happy.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 20/08/2026 12:25

MJEBinAthens · 20/08/2026 10:44

Before I was with my husband I was in a relationship for six years with a charismatic guy who was 13 yrs older and who was already divorced with two young daughters before I even met him. We worked together and he really pursued me. Eventually when we did get together, we both changed jobs. We ended up breaking up at the three year point (at the time, I shared a flat with my brother). The reason was that despite having said before that he would like another family (marriage and kids) he suddenly said out of the blue that he didn’t want either… ever again… so I told him we were done.
After about a month apart, he showed up, said he thought we should move in together and he hadn’t meant what he had said. He said he wanted us to be together more than anything and the living together was a trial run before we eventually married and started a family. I was about 30 at this stage. We both left our separate flats and got a bigger apartment together, having his daughters over almost every weekend, great holidays with them etc.
I should never have taken him back. He never paid any attention to his kids. I’d be the one to play/interact with them, take them out, feed them, care for them etc. and his involvement was minimal. It got to the point where he would bring the girls Friday after school and leave them with me whilst he was supposedly working (it was a tanker company and they had ships coming to a refinery near us very regularly, so I wasn’t too perturbed and had been with him on several occasions as I was in the same industry, so I thought he was telling the truth). After the girls had been almost exclusively with me, he’d take them home Sunday evening and the car rides to/from were about all he’d do with them. He isolated me from my friends and family and once he had me to himself, so to speak, he would gaslight me and belittle me. We only hung out with people he chose us to. He was often really rude to people who mattered to me. Finally I had had enough, so told him to give a month’s notice on our apartment as I was leaving him and had found somewhere else to live. During the last month he constantly tried to get back with me. I was still doing everything I had been doing (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.) except I was sleeping in the spare room and went out as much as I could. One day I found a used condom packet on the bedside table in what had been our room when I went in to change the bed for him, so knew he’d brought someone home whilst I was out. I said nothing as we had been broken up about three weeks, but it pissed me off as it just showed the total lack of respect he always had for me. I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing that whilst we still were under the same roof…
when I did move out he kept finding ways to get in touch or would slow drive past several times.

I eventually married someone else and have now been happily married for over 26 years. My husband and I have four adult children and a great relationship.

My ex lived with a girl even younger than me until he passed away a few years ago of cancer. She’d nursed him through a stroke and then brain cancer for the best part of a decade, but he never married her. According to friends who kept in touch with us both, he’d given them a right going over, when he was ill, after one of them suggested he marry the other girl in order to ensure she’d have somewhere to live and his pension as she’d never worked. Apparently she’d developed mental health issues and was on meds for it… I also know that his daughters refused to have any contact with him, except the absolute minimum, after we broke up. They wouldn’t go and stay over and never liked his new gf. By this time they were young teenagers. The woman called me through a friend just after he’d died and it was the first time I’d ever spoken to her. She said the girls had called her and told her to take whatever she wanted out of the flat, but to “get out within a month” and they wanted to sell. He still had stuff of mine that he’d wanted when we’d split up and there was also stuff we had bought together back then, in their house and she asked me if I wanted any of it! The girls wanted her gone, but wanted nothing at all to do with her. She’d had to get a live-in job as a carer for an old man (for a pittance as she was unqualified) as she had no money and nowhere to go, plus she was isolated from everyone after being with him for decades. I just felt really sorry for her and told her that if she needed anything to let me know. I wished her all the best and I meant it.

Leopards don’t change their spots! It’s probably wrong to speak ill of the dead, but he was a right manipulative and totally selfish bastard…. and just screwed her over as she’d been the one caring for him right up to the very end, but he left her with absolutely nothing. No money, no home and no real future. He had a really good job, savings and fully owned at least two properties, but the girls got everything. I have no idea what became of her. Hope she’s moved on.

I’d say that I was just so lucky to see sense and get out of it when I did. No regrets whatsoever. My advice is move on, while you can. Good luck.

My God, this is a very very sobering story…I’m so pleased you had the sense to get out and make a lovely life for yourself….x

Goditsmemargaret · 20/08/2026 12:09

I think you need to leave OP as you're fundamentally incompatible; he doesn't truly want more children and you aren't content to just be a stepmum to his children.

Neither of you are wrong.

I hate the posts claiming he doesn't love you, calling you are young and naive etc. How would they know any of that?

I think he took his romantic lenses off and looked at things coldly before you progressed to the next step. He asked himself what he wanted and realised he does not want more children, he said it to please you. He likely thought about the impact it would have on his current children. He realised he was secretly hoping you'd try and fail to get pregnant.

He sounds quite selfish in that he would be happier for you to give up on your dreams to satisfy his. Unfortunately many men are like this.

Try not to think of him being happy to do something with another person that he's not willing to do with you. It doesn't reflect on his feelings for either of you, simply that he has a different lived experience now.

I think it you stay you will resent him forever. I would. Becoming a mother was the best thing I ever did.

Yes it's scary leaving someone aged 29 when all your peers are in their settling down phase. This was the case for me. It is hard. I had to accept that life was not going now I'd planned and I needed a new plan. I had many life experiences I wouldn't have had if I had stayed in that relationship. Then, aged 38 I met someone who had kids. I decided that my version of family was going to look different. Unexpectedly aged 39 I became pregnant (I'd had cancer on my womb aged 35) and had my beautiful DD.

I'm a firm believer that life NEVER goes to plan but you must not get in your own way. Leave now before you get more attached to him.

Good luck.

localnotail · 20/08/2026 12:07

Please, please dump him asap and move on. You still have AT LEAST 10 years to find someone to have kids with. Someone your age, not some older has been who wants a "nanny with a fanny". You are right about being second best to his kids, and, believe me, if you had a child together this would only get worse as your kid will be affected by your partners guilt toward his DDs and their jealousy. His daughters are still young and will be in your life forever - as well as their mum. I would understand if you yourself were 39 with kids, but for someone so young and childless - why settle for this shit show?! Leave, please. You deserve better.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 20/08/2026 11:57

stepparenthelp · 20/08/2026 11:45

Thank you for the (mostly) very kind and thoughtful responses. I know what I need to do 😔💔 sat in my car on my lunch break trying to be strong.

Just 4 weeks ago I forgot my contraceptive pill and so I drove back to mine to get it. When I got back I made a joke about not wanting and mini mes until we got married and he said ‘well, if it did happen it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I’d support you both and we would make it work’ and he was smiling 😭😭😢😢 how can he go from that to no kids so quickly.

Thank you all again for your advice.

He didn't mean it. He was telling you what you wanted to hear to get you to move in and do his childcare.

PinkBottle75 · 20/08/2026 11:56

The reality of kids is that it’s hard hard work OP and it changes your relationship with your partner forever. It’s not just you and them anymore. Kids create massive stresses and take up 100% of your time for the first few years. Your feet won’t touch the ground. There’ll be very little sex for quite a long time… and he knows that.

He knows that’s coming to an end if you move in together.

At the moment he’s got the best of both worlds. Part time dad, sex on tap with you and free time with you whenever he doesn’t have the kids. He’s got the perfect set up.

If he progresses on to having kids with you, he’s replicating what he had before: full time family life.

What he seems to be admitting is that he doesn’t want that. Not with you and probably not with anyone. Fair enough. It’s a lot to start over at 40 and begin again for anyone.

if you’re mick jagger fine, you’ve got the funds to have endless wives and kids but most men don’t have limitless money. He can separate nanny and fanny even with a new wife because he has the money to. He can buy in childcare and amazing holidays and hotels etc and staff.

I honestly think you’ve been a bit unrealistic. Personally I would never have dated a guy with kids.

I wouldn’t want baggage like that before we even start. Now you’re 2y in and having to wake up to the reality of your choice because this is 50/50. You chose him too. it’s sounds like he’s gone along with it because he likes the set up. But now shit is getting real.

at least he’s having the decency to be honest with you now. He should have done that much much earlier.

BleedinglyObvious · 20/08/2026 11:56

@stepparenthelp , he probably hasn't changed his mind. Men with shared custody often find a girlfriend almost immediately when they have children needing looking after.

My take is that he future faked, and at 29 you'd be best walking away and develop a life that doesn't revolve round a man.

You love the man you think he is, not who he actually is. You have plenty of time to meet a new partner and have children.

AtlasCedar · 20/08/2026 11:51

Unfortunately it sounds like you’ll need to either choose him and no children or someone else and children. I’m sorry he’s lead you down the road. Luckily you have lots of time.

Also be aware that things can change in an instant. DH and I got married at 29 and planned to try for children at 31. Now I am 31 and DH is crippled by illness and it looks like we won’t have that for a while. If ever. Life is unpredictable.

Didimum · 20/08/2026 11:50

I can see from all your posts that you're really struggling with the disconnect with what he has said in the past and what he is saying now – understandably.

However long it feels like, 2yrs is not a long enough time to really see someone's true colours. Especially if you aren't living together. I do believe from everything you've said that he is a bullshitter and future faker, with the aim of keeping you keen. There are a lot of men that do this, and it's awful.

I know you don't feel young, but by god you are. You really have to listen to the people on this forum that tell you not to waste your time.

mmmarmalade · 20/08/2026 11:47

@stepparenthelp well - you've had a very comprehensive and nuanced set of responses that (almost) all agree. At 29, I think the term "naive" has an unwarranted derogatory tone - I just think the taller you grow metaphorically, the better your perspective and you can see further in terms of what's up ahead and what's behind you - you are not an idiot for finding yourself in this situation - I think the responses you've had here help to shine a different light on what's probably actually going on - life experience matters.

My sister couldn't have children due to a medical problem and that has hung over her like a black cloud her whole life - she would have made a great mum. She's 60+ now. She went a bit crazy with her life when she realised and I think she made some wild decisions to try and fill the void she felt. Depression has been a regular thing in her life and I don't want to overlook the impact it also had on her husband. OK - not a perfect parallel to your situation other than the effect of not having had the children she wanted.

My daughter was 2 years into a relationship that she was serious about but when she had the talk about the future - children, marriage, where to live and work (as she was at an important decision point in her career), etc - he went strangely silent in terms of not really giving any definite answers. She eventually gave him 6 weeks to get back to her (they were living a couple of hours apart at this point - he'd just taken a job in a city and moved there and she could have done the same, in fact, would have if he'd have been positive about their future together). He never replied so being a "head rules heart" kinda girl, she ended it. She moved away temporarily, to spend 6 weeks in the summer on a project at a university, signed up to Tinder and lined up a load of dates one night after the other basically interviewing guys - she made it clear this is what she was doing. By the end of the summer she had found the guy she wanted and 10 years later they are in their 2nd home, have a 3 year old and 1 year old and... it couldn't have worked out any better. They would have started a family sooner but both have very demanding careers with lots of post graduate training and decision points. Her ex did contact her a couple of years after they split and it was clear he thought he'd handled it badly and regretted breaking up.

My advice FWIW, don't ever wait for the things (you want, important things) to happen in life - you have to go after them; marriage, kids, promotion, etc.

Cheese55 · 20/08/2026 11:46

stepparenthelp · 20/08/2026 11:45

Thank you for the (mostly) very kind and thoughtful responses. I know what I need to do 😔💔 sat in my car on my lunch break trying to be strong.

Just 4 weeks ago I forgot my contraceptive pill and so I drove back to mine to get it. When I got back I made a joke about not wanting and mini mes until we got married and he said ‘well, if it did happen it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I’d support you both and we would make it work’ and he was smiling 😭😭😢😢 how can he go from that to no kids so quickly.

Thank you all again for your advice.

He was reeling you in!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 20/08/2026 11:46

Don’t let this partner keep you from meeting your husband / father of your children!

and yes, there are many women who have children after 32!

Original poster
stepparenthelp · 20/08/2026 11:45

Thank you for the (mostly) very kind and thoughtful responses. I know what I need to do 😔💔 sat in my car on my lunch break trying to be strong.

Just 4 weeks ago I forgot my contraceptive pill and so I drove back to mine to get it. When I got back I made a joke about not wanting and mini mes until we got married and he said ‘well, if it did happen it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. I’d support you both and we would make it work’ and he was smiling 😭😭😢😢 how can he go from that to no kids so quickly.

Thank you all again for your advice.

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 20/08/2026 11:40

He's not a good dad. The whole purpose of custody time is to spend time with his kids. Instead, he tried to get you to do more with his kids so he could do less during his custody time. And that was supposed to substitute for you having your own children when he knew that you wanted kids.

SonK · 20/08/2026 11:29

You are so young OP, please leave him x
I know it will be hard but in the future you will be so happy.

He will not change his mind and you will become resentful. Or you may be with him, get pregnant and he will be resentful because he didn't want another baby.

Swipe left for the next trending thread