AIBU to knock her head off ?

Why would you want to remain friends with your ex if his partner is so vile towards you?

Also your kids need to grow a backbone too. They’re adults. If they are upset with how their step-mum speaks about you then they need to go no-contact with her and just see their dad separately.

This woman doesn’t need to be apart of your life and vice-versa.

I wouldnt whats the point ?
Just ignore her.

It doesn't matter if he "bollocks" them. They are adults. They can just leave the room/house.

I do appreciate it's annoying because this is going to spoil future graduations/weddings/things with grandchildren like Christenings where both sides are in the same room.

Your ex mil won’t believe you.

confronting the partner (she’s not a new partner now) won’t end well for you.

your kids need to navigate their relationship with their dad themselves.

let it go. Do a lot of uhhh and hmmm and that’s unfortunate with the kids when you’re getting told chapter and verse. Disengage.

Of course you shouldn't, neither should you write to your MIL and 'put her straight', if she has always liked you there is absolutely no reason to bring her into this.

At the end of the day it was always going to be a possibility that your ex would get with someone who doesn't want to join up for family celebrations, it was nice while it lasted but it isn't the reality any more and you do need to accept that, the kids aren't children anymore.

And they can vote with their feet if they really don't like what she says about you, they are adults now, they don't need you to fight their battles for them, coming back to tell you everything she has said just seems like pointless shit stirring.

Your children are now adults. Do they really not have the gumption to tell her 'Please don't talk about my mum like that, none of that is true'?

My nieces and nephew are a similar age and would not stay silent if someone talked about their mum like that.

Yes I agree with this. You can’t control how others act. Don’t feed the drama.

Can we stop with the "myself, yourself " nonsense.

Well obviously she shouldn’t be slagging you off but personally I would ignore it. Stepping in puts your kids in a difficult situation as presumably they want to stay on good terms with their dad who is duty bound to defend her. Same with MIL. Stop caring what they think and just focus on your relationship with your kids and taking care of yourself. I would not write to ex MIL either. Do you see her? You can still do the birthday celebrations if you want to and include Ex and his wife plus MIL but obviously they might not come. I wouldn’t care tbh.

If someone was being nasty about me on a regular basis, it would upset me too.

The sensible thing is to ignore it. Your ex has chosen her as his future, and unless that changes, they will remain together. You can't change that. Joint celebrations are a thing of the past.

Your kids - they are adults, but young ones. My advice to them would be either a) ignore her or b) every time she's being a bitch, to leave.

If this woman is getting a reaction from you all every time she is horrid, she will keep going. Reduce the reaction, reduce the audience.

No - as you'll likely come of as one looking worse.

Ignore her - and frankly do you own 18 and 21 birthday celebrations after talking to your kids. Ask kids to stop telling you what is said - as it only upsets you.

You can not control how others act only how you choose to respond - grey rock it all do not feed the drama.

Im also wondering what the other side of this is. Are yout dc trlling to tell you about how your mental health impacts them because i dont see why they would repeat it.

Sounds like a job might help you have a focus in life.

I think it's clear that this is upsetting you, which is completely understandable - it's awful to be accused of something you haven't done, and to worry that people you do care about (your kids) will start to believe it. But I think the best thing you can do is model resilience and calm to your kids, and maybe discuss with them what options they have - e.g. ignore her, calmly correct her, walk away, choose not to go there, etc. Talk through the options, explain that they have your support. But if I were you I'd be dealing with my kids only - no contact at all with ex, his partner, or his mum.

21 and 18 are not kids (the 21 year old hasn't been a kid for years!). Let them live their own lives.

She doesn’t need to do anything. She is nothing to do with you. So just ignore her and forget she exists, for the sake of your own mental health, if nothing else.

This^

Nailed it.

I suspect their side of the story would be very different and they've decided to take a giant step back from this toxic setup.

I haven't managed my childrens relationships with their father since they were early teens. We are perfectly civil but there is just no need for me to be involved. It won't be helping your mental health to be so involved so, really, it's ok to step back now and leave them all to it 🤷‍♀️

Your spoiling for a fight

You can't control her behaviour.

You can try to control your own thoughts and behaviour.

No, no you should not confront her, or anyone. If you've got a therapist please bring this up with them as soon as possible.

The kids have grown up. Neither they or you need to have a close relationship with your ex's partner.
You can be amicable with your ex but the link that you had for the kids isn't there any more so maybe your expectations need to change. By stepping back it may well solve the problem of the animosity.

I think that you are unduly focused on her and what she's reportedly saying, which is actually of very little consequence when compared to the bigger picture here. It sounds as though you could do with protecting your mental health and general wellbeing by ignoring it and focusing on keeping as well as possible.

Are you engaged with ongoing professional help?