AIBU to knock her head off ?

Come off social media and get on with your life

Sounds like you’ve got far too much time on your hands. Maybe it’s time to go back to work 🙂

It seems you very much ‘dgaf’ about what she says about you. So much so you think you should write a letter to your ex mil or your ex husbands partner, not sure which one 🤷‍♀️ you’re children are adults, time to stop playing happy families and ignore them!

This, it won’t go well I’m afraid.

Confronting her is unlikely to result in her cowering as she’s put her in place. She may meet you with the same energy, and you could easily walk away looking and feeling worse than you did. Your children are now adults, and your ex really doesn’t need to have a relationship with you at all.

What used to be normal to you, when it comes to your relationship with your is, is no longer normal. The situation has changed.

She’s clearly unreasonable but confronting her is not going to help. If you were typically friendly and she had just done one thing to upset you then maybe a conversation would help, but from what you’ve said it sounds like she clearly has an issue with you. I’ve never known a situation where somebody had an issue with someone else to the extent they were constantly slating them and where the other person turned around and said ‘oh you’re right, I’m so sorry’ and stopped. She is saying the things she’s saying to aggravate and upset you, confronting her just lets her know it’s working and will probably escalate things.

Your children are adults now, they can ask her not to talk about you like that to them. They also don’t have to have contact with her if she’s upsetting them, why can’t they see their Dad without her? It’s not like at 18 and 21 they still need to be having overnights, why don’t they just arrange to see their Dad for dinner or for a day out without her being present? You can also ask them not to repeat the things she is saying to you. There’s no reason for it to get back to you, especially if it’s effecting your mental health.

I can see 3 possible ways to go
1 see if your ex, the wet lettuce can help (, sounds as though he can't.

1. You ignore it . You concentrate on your relationship with your kids who should see through the old bag's nastiness.
2. Go and talk to the crazy witch..Pretend you somehow like her, like she's doing such an amazing job with the kids blah blah but you've been told the kids are somehow hearing stuff that isn't true from her. Can you both have a chat like adults and get things back on track..

Good luck 🤞

As said above, this is not your circus anymore. This is for your children to deal with. They are now adults. They have to accept that things have changed.
If they don’t like the way she speaks about you then it’s up to them to call it out in a calm and civil manner.
If they don’t feel they can do that or they don’t feel they are heard then it’s up to them how they decide to go on.
for yourself, if you don’t want to hear it, I would communicate to that to your kids.

Ive been through this, although with me it was the ex ( and we didn’t do joint events as it was a toxic relationship).
I had to grin and bear it very convincingly with tight boundaries for 10 years until son was 18 and at that point I was forced to explain to my son why I couldn’t have his father anywhere near me.
This was due to ex pushing boundaries as he’d just split up with his wife and basically wanted to muscle back into my life, and of course my son couldn’t understand why this was so inappropriate (he also has some social delay as autistic).
over time as my son has got older he really sees my ex for the man he is and has very little to do with him now.
I don’t think he’d have any contact at all but he has a half sister he wants to maintain a relationship with.
i think for son, watching his father treat new wife the same way he’d treated me bought up quite a lot of traumatic memory and his fathers inability to keep his dick in his pants really disgusts my son.
None of this has been said to me directly, but he talks to my mum about it all from time to time. I have never mentioned any of it, but I do now pay for his therapy to repair all the damage caused by his father (and by me for not leaving sooner).
you sound like you have been through a lot and are in a better place now.
you don’t have to carry this for your kids anymore and they don’t have to tolerate it if they don’t want to.
I guess they probably have difficulties with boundaries too, I know my son does and found it very hard to standup to his father who is very manipulative, but he does now and just sees him on his own terms when it suits him. Son is now 33 so none of this happens overnight.
Start as you mean to go on and start now. You have to assume the wife isn’t going anywhere and your husband isnt going to change. Make your peace with it. You don’t have to carry it now. Best of luck.

Don't confront her. Just ignore and don't have any contact with her. Your children are old enough to make up their own minds.

Yes this. Since my kids became adult I only very rarely speak to or see my ex, no need for either of us to be in each other’s business. A graduation next summer will be the next time I see him.

Nothing you can do. Your kids are adults now and they should not need to take it up with your dad. They can tell her to shut up directly.

Your children need to decide if they wish to see a father that bollixs them.

Stop doing anything together.
Do not have him join you.
Definitely take the time to fill your MIL in, then step away from them.

Are you prepared for her to hear things that might be more hurtful than her opinion of you?

Children, especially grown up ones, bitch and gripe about their parents. It usually means nothing but having that repeated back to you by someone who doesn’t think a lot of you isn’t going to be pleasant.

Even if the children haven’t said anything to her, I can’t see her having conversations with herself about you. Others in that family have been party to them.

It is so shit when kids, even adult kids, are caught between warring parents. She is a knob, dont also be a knob by stooping to her level and putting them in the middle.

Re Xmas and birthdays if the kids find it weird celebrating separately why havent they told their dad that and said no? Could they be telling you what they think you want to hear and saying the same to him? Otherwise surely as adults they could say they want celebrate all together and not partaking of you are excluded. The truth is with that level of drama they are probably not bothered but they know thats not what you want to hear.

I do understand your point, bc my kids dsm slags me off to them and they hate it. When they were younger they were too scared of the inevitable conflict that would follow speaking up but now as adults they call her out on it and she has eased off. That said, they would hate me slating her back, I never did. I just said 'i dont care what anyone else thinks but you guys so just ignore it, it doesnt bother me' and then I would rant to my friends out if ear shot of them.

You have to be the bigger person, who cares what she thinks. The people who know and love you know the truth, the rest dont matter

What do you hope to achieve by doing that? What would your objective be? What will the actual outcome for you and your adult offpsring be, do you think?

How effective will you "confronting" her be in changing her behaviour? Best guess, given how she clearly feels about you, how is she most likely to respond?

I think if you answer those questions honestly, you'll know what (NOT) to do and why.

But you're not. Like it or not, this is your situation.

Your kids don't 'have to' celebrate birthdays twice if they don't want to. Ask them who they way to celebrate with and do it. If they don't want to do it with Dad and Cruella, they need to tell him. But if they don't want to do it with you, accept it and don't guilt them over it.

Moving forwards, your kids are going to have to get used to it. You don't havet the power to change it.

And detach. Be absent for pick up times (or asleep or in the shower). He's a cheating fucker and she's a bitch. But you can't change that. They make a good pair.

Did the your ex help look after your kids
When you were having psychotic episodes?
Psychosis is a very serious mental ill ness i hope you got a lot of support with it .

If the kids think it's weird celebrating birthdays twice then, being adults, they can arrange a single celebration and invite you all. If ex and his partner want to cut off their noses to spite their faces by turning down the invitation, then good luck to them!

You have enough stress in your life without worrying about something you can't change. You have no control at all over what this woman chooses to say about you to other people, including to your adult DC. Anything that is to be 'done' really needs to be done by them.
They can disagree with her, ignore her or choose to avoid her if what's she's saying upsets them.
You unfortunately are the subject here not an a participant, so there isn't anything you can do.
If it were me I'd work hard on pushing her out of my head. Keep away from her SM and tell your DC you don't want to hear what she's been saying.
I hope your health and circumstances improve soon. Meanwhile you need all your energy and headspace for focusing on your wellbeing. Cut this irrelevant poison out.

Their dad has had them one day a week since we seperated. She was usually present at these times but I’d not say she has had much input with bringing them up.

They don't have to be there.

It's their choice now.

A question I often ask myself, as my late Mum used to say 'one tale's good until the other tale's told'.

Your circumstances are unusual and your mental health is still not completely stable, so I think it would be fair to ask your children not to tell you what she says about you. It isn't good for you, and you can't help them.
This is no different from saying that you can't do something physical because it would make you ill, imo.

Your children are adults and they should tell their step mum that they don't want to hear her criticising you.

If it creates another drama with your ex sticking up for his new woman, so be it and your kids can choose how much or little time to spend with them.

This does have an awful soap opera feel about it.

You're all adults.

Well they are adults now
So he doesnt need contact.time with them
They can either choose to visit him or not.

The only actions you can take is to:

1. tell your children you don’t want to be told what she is saying about you.
2. explain to them that repeating gossip and slander can be upsetting and unnecessary
3. advise your children if they find someone’s opinion upsetting or offensive, they should assert themselves by explaining this and ultimately leaving and avoiding that person
4. tell them if they want to decide how they celebrate their birthdays they need to host their parties and issue their invites.