AIBU to knock her head off ?

Your DC are adults and you don’t need to have anything more to do with their dad or his partner or parents. Time to move on.

Does it matter? I’d worry more about someone saying I was faking my bad mental health and I was a benefit fraud. Telling everyone I’m a nutter. Fine. But then the op can tell everyone she’s a lying (insert sentence). Everyone is happy and has closure.

#1 He’s using you to triangulate on her (and probably many others)..typical of abusive narcissistic men.

#2 Having them both in your house is giving people pleaser to the max, not good for your children. Be the example you want them to model their lives on.

Also, your dad (if he was abusive) is where you learnt to be treated this way. Get some therapy and let him pay for his own care.

I really can't see how confronting her will achieve anything - she's more likely to go round saying you're an irrational nutter after that!

Your children are old enough to deal with this themselves. They don't have to spend time with her if they don't want to. They don't have to spend time with their dad if he sides with her and upsets them. This is for them to navigate and doesn't need your input.

It's a shame that you are no longer amicable enough to celebrate birthdays together but it is what it is. Just enjoy celebrating with your kids and don't worry about what your ex is doing.

At the end of the day, you don't have to have any contact at all with your ex or his partner. Her opinion of you isn't important and I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of speaking to her about it. Let her say what she wants, you know the truth. Tell your kids that you don't want to hear about anything she's said. You don't need to hear it.

Absolutely! We all have our limit.

The people on this thread think they will be judged for standing up for themselves, they worry they will be laughed at by people who don’t know them. Instead I’d be more worried that someone thinks they can talk about me like that to my children!

Stop gaslighting.

Feeling the desire to confront someone, who is accusing you of benefit fraud and relaying this to your children - is not an irrational thought or desire.

Yes, I was thinking this. The dad and step mum had the kids for a grand total of one day a week whilst their main parent was suffering psychosis. They don’t sound like the sort of people who should be offering parenting opinions to anyone.

Well, she's just one of those. Those horrible people.
I wouldn't give her much headspace, let her scowl while in cars or whatever, she's the miserable one and just laugh. It's all she deserves because she's being immature.

Your children know you, they know that their dad's g/f is full of shit and it won't have any sway on them, talk to them about what's going on? Anyone else who knows you well and believes her lies are not worth your headspace either. Friends, family, they're supposed to be good for us, not drag us down and anyone who's willing to drag you down, sod them.

Just you look after you. You sound like you've been through the ringer and back and honestly, don't allow her any power over you, no headspace, remain polite just for the children's sake (hello, goodbye should be enough!) and please look after you and your health. Am sorry to hear you lost your mum, please too reach out to the council if not already done to see if the council can help you with your dad if needs home help etc.

Go easy OP.

Poor kids (adults) in the middle of this shit show … be good if at least one person took the mature, adult, high ground.

No, but your kids should.

I can see the temptation but the issue is really between your kids and her. You know it's not true, they know it's not true, so you don't have to defend yourself against her allegations. As you say, the issue is that it's upsetting them, but at their ages, they need to advocate for themselves. If their father is going to be a wet wipe about it then they'll just have to do it without his support.

She's bad mouthing their mother to them so they need to tell her to stop it or they will not spend time with her, and follow through with it.

…and what? Get laughed at?

Do you really? Please direct me to a thread where we hear both sides of the story. It's just a passive aggressive way of saying that you don't believe OP.

If that’s the case, how do you know he wasn’t just going along with what you wanted? It seems less about his lack of spine, but a territorial pissing match over who gets to puppet him.

Not that I believe he actually couldn’t stand up for himself if he wanted to. He’s a grown man with agency. If he disagreed with her he could say so, and if he wanted to shut her down he would. He’s actively choosing not to, so it’s more likely than not that he’s in full agreement.

It’s very convenient for people to play the weak card because it means they can avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, and deflect any negative repercussions onto someone else.

God no, let her fester and look after yourself.

Did you actually type your kid’s ages correctly? You’re making them sound like pre-teens. If they really are adults, step aside and let them figure it out for themselves.
Why are grown adults tale telling like this instead of dealing with it?
You are also making your ex sound like an absolute dickhead, yet you claim to have a great relationship. I wonder why?

If the dad is turning on the kids why do they keep going there. They should tell him to fuck off too

When they visit if rhe conversation turns to you your children simply respond with "I/We don't want to discuss my mum thank you" and change the subject.
If she continues they get up say its nice to see them but their off now.
EVERY.TIME.
If the Dad bullocks them (jesus 🙄) they also leave immediately.

I mean I’d probably send a passive aggressive message but then that’s not being the bigger person or rising above it. I don’t really care about any of those things so…

Either way in your place I think I’d have nothing to lose and go mad. But you said you struggle with your mental health so maybe it’s not for you.

Let him.

If a grown ass man turns on his kids for sticking up for their mum then he’s a spineless piece of shit.

Surely your kids understand that?

This to me seems really simple.

You say to your ex 'I am tired of hearing about all of the negative things your new partner is saying about me to our children. It is unacceptable that the children are being made to hear these things from her on more than one occassion. Our children are not pawns between us. I don't want to be involved, however as they are raising it with her and you are then rollocking them for it, they are then communicating to me what has happened and what to do. I will also not have my children be used in this manner and be accused of things to them that are baseless, negative, derogatory and untrue. This stops now. You speak to her about it or I will'.

Op you need to get on with your own life.
If the kids want to see their dad thats down to them, its not your business anymore.
Let the past be in the past.

Also would you be happy if you had to spend Xmas with your partners ex? You’ve split up. No need for contact unless emergencies.