AIBU to knock her head off ?

You are letting her get to you.

Teach your children to ignore her, to grey rock her comments. And make sure they know not to allow your ex and his partner into your home.

Then block her from your life as much as possible - you’ll have to just let the joint family stuff go. I presume all child support etc has stopped now so you shouldn’t have any reason to see either of them again.

Take the moral high ground, don't engage, ignore. Live your life and don't waste any time thinking of her

Why is it nasty?

Of course this is upsetting for your kids but speaking to her is unlikely to make her change and your kids are adults. The best thing to do is let the children’s relationship with the pair of them run its course. When they’re not seeing their dad perhaps he will finally consider how her behaviour and his enabling of it has impacted his relationship with his kids.

The fact your ex-mil thinks you’re the bees knees is all that matters

SHE will do your work for you.

LET HER say what she likes, you know the truth, your kids know the truth, your ex knows the truth.

by allowing her to get to you, you’re letting her live rent free in your head and she’s not worth that.

RISE ABOVE HER

I know it's not nice when people are carping on about you behind your back, but really @DallazMajor ? Anyone would think your children were toddlers and you are about 19. You all sound like you need to grow up. I agree with other posters. You sound really enmeshed in your ex's life (and his new partner's.)

You're never gonna be happy until you get on with your own life and ignore this woman and what she's saying. Your children are adults, why are you having anything to do with your ex now?

And you say you don't understand people saying you are not coming across well on this thread, but saying you want to knock her head off is a pretty infantile thing to say and pretty nasty to be honest.

I think it's time to take a step back, OP. Your kids are adults now - it's up to them how they deal with their dad and his partner.

It isn't your fault you've had mental health issues but I imagine that hasn't been easy for your kids either - nor for your ex having to co-parent while that's been happening. I expect your ex and his partner see the situation very differently to you, and resentment has built up.

But you don't need to worry about their opinions. You don't need to have anything to do with them at all.

Oh nasty.

Or a bloody job

@DallazMajor So how long have you not been in work for?

The girlfriend knows it gets back to you and irritates you, She gets a kick out of knowing this.
You need to be realistic you can do nothing about it and by trying fuels her. Your children are adults, its for them to voice their opinion, not you.
Alternatively they will need to vote with their feet! Dont get involved, concentrate on your own mental health and being the best parent you can be.

Oh come on now, stop being so dramatic. If you bothered to read the OP's post you would see she said...

Would I be unreasonable to knock her fkn head off. (Joke)

I roll my eyes and tell them to ignore it

The attempts of people on here these days whose sole aim seems to be nit-picking at an OP and trying to derail threads is so fucking annoying. They must be such unpleasant people in real life.

I didn't read all of the posts but did something happen that changed the dynamic of how the families interact? The next time she disparages you in front of your kids, they need to tell her that she cannot talk about you to them anymore. Period. Don't take it to their father. Deal with partner. Your children are adults.

I don't think there is anything you can do to stop this woman talking about you. Speaking to her face to face or in writing, is likely to only give her more fuel. She is likely to use your health issues against you.

I doubt you would be successful if you were to try the legal route, partly because she seems to be wording her accusations cleverly by asking how you can afford things you own rather than saying outright that you must be committing fraud. I suspect a solicitor who would pursue this on your behalf would have his eyes on the fees you would pay rather than a successful outcome for you. And partly because the only witnesses you have are your children. It would be a lot for them to be part of an action against their father's partner and he would almost certainly get dragged into the litigation as he is also a witness but completely supportive of his wife/partner.

Although you shouldn't have to do this, and your children shouldn't have to do this - the only solution is to cut her off. You need to tell them not to tell you the lies she is saying. Not necessarily to protect you but explaining that by not repeating them they take away the power she has to cause trouble.

As your son has the strength to refuse to see her and sees his father separately you are halfway there. You need to encourage your daughter to take the same stance. If he is still seeing his son, surely that wouldn't be too difficult despite how weak he seems to be. You will be teaching your daughter a valuable lesson and steering her away from becoming as spineless as her father.

In the meantime, there's nothing wrong with imagining knocking her head off. I've done similar in the past and it's quite cathartic. Knock away!

Your kids are grown up. Step away from your ex, and his partner. No need for any sort of ‘family’ gathering now, other than any weddings and funerals.

Confronting her won’t stop it. She’s not going to meekly cow and offer a “yes ma’am, sorry ma’am”, as if you have any control over how she behaves. It is more likely to escalate it. If that’s something you’re fine with then go for it, but don’t go in with any expectation that she will be suitably chastised.

I suspect she has a point.

Sorry for butting in. I am really pleased that you're fighting your corner here with these mn's who just want to find fault over nothing. And forgive me if it sounds patronising as I really really don't want it to, but hell, you go girl!

OP sorry you have been unwell. I do think that you have forgotten how to get the best revenge and it’s simply to not care and to live well.

It is stupid and unfair what she says but clearly she is both stupid and nasty. Mithering about whether it’s appropriate or slanderous or damaging is what actually makes it damaging. She doesn’t have to annoy you. She is pathetic and the only credible way to bother you would be by reporting you (and she probably did that) and that happened and it was all fine.

You should be smugly smiling internally because she can’t hurt your relationships with anyone who matters (your adult children can sort out their own responses) and yet she is driven mad by you.

protecting your own mental health means you need to relegate this idiot to the status she has given herself.

Can you explain how suggesting to someone who's having ideas of knocking their ex husband's wife's head off, that it would be a good idea to talk this through with someone is gaslighting? It's a very popular word at the moment.

He's only had your kids one day a week while you've been in and out of psychosis? That's really not good enough on his side. Was there a reason he didn't want them more?

It is absolutely an option. Of course you can choose not to do so, but please remember it is a choice and you are free to choose differently at any point.

I understand - and this is concerning. But there are two separate issues here - this one, which I agree isn’t great.

the other is the lack of ‘family’ at events. That has to stop because they no longer want it, and unfortunately that’s life. You can’t make them.

in terms of her bad mouthing you - I would simply block. She doesn’t have to stop - and having a go at her will make it worse. Literally all you can do is ignore. It doesn’t matter what the kids or you think - or anyone else, and whether she is right or wrong. She doesn’t have to stop. You can choose to engage or ignore. I’d choose ignore. It’s really the only option.