AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

I think everyone needs to accept that everyone in this situation is an adult. Your nephew needs to accept that his mum is an adult and is entitled to live with her partner, especially as he himself is an adult who is away at university a lot of the time. Your sister needs to accept that your nephew is an adult who can make choices about where he lives - and that you are also an adult who is equally entitled to make choices about who lives with you in your home. And that’s the long and short of it, really…..

It’s none if his business. Hell would freeze over before a newly moved in partner started telling my son what to do

If your sister wants her son to stay at her house in the school holidays, she'll have to listen to him about what is upsetting him and make some compromises, which would reasonably include asking her new partner not to micromanage his partner's adult child's decisions. Otherwise the son is going to stay elsewhere, as he has already demonstrated by staying at school. If everyone in your household is genuinely happy to have your nephew there then that sounds like a good temporary solution; sis and her partner can have things all their way and son can be safe and happy.

As far as your "interfering", this isn't logical: you invited him for his cousin's birthday, he then asked you to consider his staying on a longer-term basis. You didn't approach him to move in. His staying with you could be a very helpful temporary pressure valve to both him and your sister. At 20 he could disappear and she'd never see him even if the current partner works out; this way she can still spend some time with him without having to row about the new unilateral "house rules".

He still has a space to come home to.
Mum has the right to move a long term partner in... her son is at Uni FFS and mostly not there.

@CollectingSeashells Having read your update, I think it is entirely understandable that your nephew doesn't want to continue going home to a place he feels he isn't welcome any more. The new partner may ( or may not) have a point, possibly, about the time the nephew gets up or one or two other things you mention - can't really tell without further context - but it isn't the partner's place to try to 'parent' your nephew. But given the other things he says and does it sounds very clear that the partner does not want your nephew in the house. It is also sad that your Sister can't see it for herself.

I think you should support your nephew and tell your sister that there is a better chance of her repairing her relationship with her son, if you let him stay with you rather than tell him no and he will stay at his Uni address instead.

I would, however, make sure that you discuss the ground rules with your nephew before you agree to his proposal - things like what time you expect the house to be quiet if he has friends in, wants to put a washing on etc. In other words what you are happy to live with? It IS possible that he does make a lot of noise with some of the activities the partner is getting onto him about?

Poor Lad! I feel for him

Given the update on the partner you absolutely should let your nephew live with you on the holidays.
The boyfriend should not be telling your nephew what to do. That’s not his place.

I think this is a very delicate age tbh. I remember leaving to go to uni but still enjoying the comforting familiarity of being home again. It must be very difficult to have that removed because it doesn’t feel like home any more. Yes he’s “an adult” but really 20 is still very young in a lot of ways.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP by letting him stay somewhere that feels comforting and familiar. It’s a shame his mum doesn’t seem able to balance his feelings with her and bf’s. She should be grateful to you that you’re helping him through this tricky patch.

My sympathy for your sister's position has dwindled since reading your update about the partner. He doesn't sound nice at all and has evidently not made an effort to intigrate well into their family unit. I would tell your sister that you won't leave your nephew to spend holidays alone at uni. Tell her you will do everything you can to help them rebuild their relationship and she can come over whenever they both want to meet. She has every right to move on with her life now he has gone to uni but she can't expect her son to put up with shitty treatment from her partner. I had a stepdad and stepmum as a child and they are both wonderful and have added value to all our lives so it can be done if new partners make the effort to be decent.

The partner is a bully and it is the start of coercive control. So keep lines of communication open and maybe send her a few things regarding this

Keep lines open with nephew and thank goodness he chats to your kids.

Yeah move any man in, childrem are dispensable, he doesn't want to live at home why is that not enough

Another parent putting their needs first, and the new partner sounds awful

Let him stay with you.
His mum has chosen her new bf over her own son, how sad.

How is she putting a man before her kids? Her kids are adults and she is entitled to have a relationship and to live with her long-term partner. Her son still has his home, he made an adult decision not to live in it. This doesn't mean his mum has to remain celibate for the eternity.
My mum has a partner and I don't stay with them when I visit. I have a wonderful relationship with both of them but I have been staying with my aunt for years because I am more comfortable with it. I would never in million years expect my mum to not move on with her adult life for the sake of a few weeks a year when I visit. I am her kid, yes, but I am not a bloody child!
So the only thing the sister did wrong here is precisely to treat her son as if he was still a child.

He is entitled to do that, yes. He's trying to do exactly that, his mum is actively trying to force him to come home and live with this twat.

OP, let him stay with you if you're happy to do it. . You're doing nothing wrong, you sister will have to get over herself and live with the choices she's made.

So at what point does the mum get to live her life?
He's 20, not 2

This^^

He isn't stopping her from living her life, he's choosing to stay elsewhere and I don't blame him having read OP's updates.

The dynamics have changed massively for your DN, what was once his home with his mam, isn't that now, for him.
I'm sure your DN doesn't begrudge his mam some happiness, but her partner is acting like a massive twat. It's a pissing contest for the partner,trying to exert his dominance.
Your DS is being a twat also, she should be telling her DP, that this is nephew's home.
I think at 20 he is allowed to decide where he wants to live outside term time, and if you want to allow him to stay with you then your DS should respect her sons wishes and be thankful you are looking out for him.
If DS doesn't sort this out, she will alienate her own son, but i suspect her partner is cool with that.

YANBU. She is, in trying to force him to come ‘home’ by cutting off his options.

He doesn’t have to like or live with her boyfriend.

You have your answer then, let him stay if you’re happy to have him there. When your sister kicks off you say your partner is a twat no one likes so you don’t blame your nephew for not wanting to live there anymore.

I agree with this. I am astounded at women who have kids and then selfishly put another man before their kids. I believe kids' needs should come first and although technically an adult at 20, and especially as he is still in education, it just does not compute with me not to provide a safe home where he feels comfortable until he is fully settled and on his own two feet with a job and enough income to finance living independently. Its a very unstable and possibly damaging existence for your nephew. Your sister should most definitely be more supportive towards him.

More bunting
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He's happy to charm certain people to get what he wants, and happy to alienate others who are superflous to his needs. Looks like he's shown his true colours as a chauvinist there thinking he's showing off to the brotherhood.

Definitely support your nephew.
I doubt your sister would want to listen to anything negative about her partner though.

Your sister has chosen a twat over her son.
In your place I would say that you have no intention of following her lead.
He is welcome to stay with you.
Her partner has clearly decided to drive him away and it has worked.
She has chosen him over her own son.

Let her off.
I have zero time for parents who choose living with someone ahead of their own children.

Lots of good parents have long term relationships but don't live together.

These are the consequences of her choices.
She doesn't get to decide in any way what you do in your house and whom you invite.

She has chosen to make her home unwelcoming for him, you will not be doing the same.

I think you already posted abiut this but it was a niece?

Exactly, the OPs sister can move who she likes in, it may be a mistake but it may be great, either way it’s up to her.
This is an arrangement that works for the nephew and OP.