AIBU to let my nephew stay with us in holidays?

And if sister keeps on at defending and excusing the dick's behaviour. I'd frankly tell her what your husband said about his behaviour when it comes to other women. Ew.

Your sister's partner is a dick and this is on her for choosing someone who is a dick to her own child over her child.

I'd offer to let him stay. He's 20. He can stay where he wants.

I think this hits the nail on the head OP, lots of people don't move back in at home after uni, and work during the holidays so don't even go home for long periods. its the fact your sister seems to think he doesn't get a say in where he stays that is the problem, not that she has taken the move to live with her partner (although he does sound like a twat).

All I will say though is make sure you don't end up being the skivvy for an adult if he does stay with you.

He's not the one calling the shots.
He's saying he doesn't want to live with his mum's partner and he's made alternative arrangements to live elsewhere. That's his right to do so.

His mum, on the other hand is insisting that he must live with her and her partner and can't live with OP.

There was a spookily similar thread in the last few weeks (niece instead of nephew) - maybe get all the advice you need in there!🤔

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5558501-to-let-my-niece-stay-when-she-refuses-to-see-her-mum?reply=153750375

Yanbu

She is allowed to move on and have a live in partner but her adult son doesn’t have to live with him or have dinner with him. He is free as an adult to make those choices.

Actions have consequences her boyfriend’s behaviour has made her son feel uncomfortable. Him not staying over is the consequences of his actions from her choices. That’s life.

It would be interfering if you had proactively offered because it's a crying shame he has nowhere to call home.

As it is, the fact he asked you because he feels he has nowhere to call home is heartbreaking, you're not interfering and any decent mother would thank you for helping their child feel comfortable at a time they are not.

YANBU - she is. It's fine if she wants her partner of 5 years to live with her, and it may well be that her son is being unreasonable. But if he doesn't want to go back to her house, she can't bloody make him, and cutting off other routes of comfort is really shitty behaviour on her part. This is something I'd fall out with her about if I had to.

Had a similar-ish situation with the single mum of one of my son's best friends. He said he didn't want to live with her any more, he wanted to live with his Dad. She thought he was being pressured by his Dad. I had multiple chats with him over many evenings and his reasons for wanting to live with his Dad were solid, rational, not reached under any duress at all and DEEPLY felt. So that's what I reported back to her - he wasn't being manipulated as far as I could tell, he really did want to move in with his Dad, it's a hill he was willing to die on and at 16, I didn't feel she could really stop him - if she wanted to keep their relationship strong (and it WAS strong) she should try and facilitate it and keep his room and her arms safe and welcoming if he wanted to return.

She went fucking ballistic and still accuses me of splitting her family up, because now he doesn't see her as often as she wants him to because she kicked off so badly.

Massive tangent - but some mothers are incapable of putting their children's needs first, especially if it means cutting the apron strings a little.

Give your nephew a safe nest to return to when life feels overwhelming. It's a lovely thing for you to do. Everyone needs somewhere to call home.

He can decide not to live somewhere and with someone that makes him uncomfortable. Nothing to do with her now. I’d welcome him ( he’s still young) on three conditions 1. Contribute to food bill 2. Tidy up after himself. 3. Do own laundry. You’re a good aunt!

She can have a relationship and put that first and decide that going to uni is him moving out.
But she cant then dictate that he cannot stay at your house. I think its nice he feels so settled with you and can see it as a home base when not in university.

She cant have it both ways .

I think you probably should let your nephew stay with you in the holidays. But from your update I am uncomfortable for you about the things you and your children now “know” about your sister’s relationship. Where does that leave you? You’re bang in the middle of a dispute or family conflict.

Id also like to ask how you will feel if your nephew wants friends over to your home, if you start to consider that perhaps he should have a job during the summer break instead of being home during the day while you work? Where do you stand if he snacks in his room and leaves plates etc? It’s not easy living with a 20-year old. Your sister’s partner is no more entitled to parent than you in some ways, but both of you are allowed to have some say in your home? Just something to think about.

He dosent get to call the shots he's an adult.
If his mum's found happiness, he should be pleased for her.

Your nephew is lucky to have you - I do not think you are doing anything wrong from your post

Unless there is some big issue, then I think 🤔 the nephew is being unreasonable. He is creating a big family issue unnecessarily and making it hard to be a family going forward.

Exactly, the OPs sister can move who she likes in, it may be a mistake but it may be great, either way it’s up to her.
This is an arrangement that works for the nephew and OP.

I think you already posted abiut this but it was a niece?

Your sister has chosen a twat over her son.
In your place I would say that you have no intention of following her lead.
He is welcome to stay with you.
Her partner has clearly decided to drive him away and it has worked.
She has chosen him over her own son.

Let her off.
I have zero time for parents who choose living with someone ahead of their own children.

Lots of good parents have long term relationships but don't live together.

These are the consequences of her choices.
She doesn't get to decide in any way what you do in your house and whom you invite.

She has chosen to make her home unwelcoming for him, you will not be doing the same.

More bunting
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

He's happy to charm certain people to get what he wants, and happy to alienate others who are superflous to his needs. Looks like he's shown his true colours as a chauvinist there thinking he's showing off to the brotherhood.

Definitely support your nephew.
I doubt your sister would want to listen to anything negative about her partner though.

I agree with this. I am astounded at women who have kids and then selfishly put another man before their kids. I believe kids' needs should come first and although technically an adult at 20, and especially as he is still in education, it just does not compute with me not to provide a safe home where he feels comfortable until he is fully settled and on his own two feet with a job and enough income to finance living independently. Its a very unstable and possibly damaging existence for your nephew. Your sister should most definitely be more supportive towards him.

You have your answer then, let him stay if you’re happy to have him there. When your sister kicks off you say your partner is a twat no one likes so you don’t blame your nephew for not wanting to live there anymore.

YANBU. She is, in trying to force him to come ‘home’ by cutting off his options.

He doesn’t have to like or live with her boyfriend.

The dynamics have changed massively for your DN, what was once his home with his mam, isn't that now, for him.
I'm sure your DN doesn't begrudge his mam some happiness, but her partner is acting like a massive twat. It's a pissing contest for the partner,trying to exert his dominance.
Your DS is being a twat also, she should be telling her DP, that this is nephew's home.
I think at 20 he is allowed to decide where he wants to live outside term time, and if you want to allow him to stay with you then your DS should respect her sons wishes and be thankful you are looking out for him.
If DS doesn't sort this out, she will alienate her own son, but i suspect her partner is cool with that.

He isn't stopping her from living her life, he's choosing to stay elsewhere and I don't blame him having read OP's updates.