AIBU to feel overwhelmed by my 19-year-old daughter’s dependence?

You mentioned her brother too?

So you and her are very similar? Do you work on a very low paid job? Do you also not have any close friends?

I was actually wondering about neurodivergence. DD2, who is 22, is AuDHd and sounds similar to your DD and the OP’s DD. I have found it very suffocating. Eventually I realised I was supporting her too much - she was relying on me to help her more than she actually needed. Me supporting her had just become a habit. I have now consciously decided to support her less and encourage more independence. It all started when she had a legal problem a few months ago - I gave her good but unpalatable advice, exDP gave her bad but palatable advice. She followed exDP’s advice and ended up needing a solicitor for £££s. (She probably would not have needed the solicitor if she had followed my advice). At that point, I made a deliberate decision to lose my temper with her and tell her that it was on her because she had ignored my good advice. Ever since then, our relationship has been far better. In the past, I have been endlessly patient and understanding with her. I realised it had gone on too long.

I sympathise OP. Ignore the unhelpful responses. They're inevitably from people with who have happy , well adjusted 19 year old daughters with a thriving social life, friends , boyfriends and jobs. I have walked many days in your shoes with a similar daughter ,for whom I am the source of all the frustrations she feels about her life , but also the solution because she has no one else. For those saying ' a kid is for life ' - where is your empathy? Until you know what it's like to be the focus of your adults child's entire life, and the absolute suffocation this causes, please try not to be so fucking smug. You cannot MAKE a life for your adult child if they don't want one. You can't MAKE them get help, be more positive, or solution focused , if they're currently more comfortable holding you, the parent responsible for them in the same way you were when they were children. None of you can know until you live it.

Just the general vibe, that’s all. As someone who’s autistic themselves, it’s often quite easy to spot in other people!

Although you like just chilling at home it would probably help your DD to see you having a social life outside the home as well. Maybe look for an activity you could do together, where participants cover a big age range and you might both make other friends? (Line dancing is a good one.)

Rather than giving her advice which escalates into arguments, try to listen to her and ask open questions so she is forced to think about options herself. Not "Well I would..." but "What do you think you could do..."

I'm surprised by people jumping to conclusions esp re the language at work comment.
where I live the majority of low wage workers do not have English as a first language.
These are the type of jobs likely avato a teenager .
Eg care work. Cleaning. Hospitality..
Nothing OP has written implies they have moved to a foreign country.
Also not everyone can afford to pay for separate accommodation while at college.

So if it's easier to commute daily that's what they'll do.
OP has already said she is not in GB.
Probably somewhere where comprehension still forms part of literacy learning...
Take it easy OP.
All the best to you

No, the way you post and describe your daughter suggest neurodivergence. it's not a criticism or a bad thing, merely an observation.

Also, your DD being "fine socially" means nothing when it comes to whether she might be autistic - lots of girls mask and manage to appear fine socially for years before the wheels come off and they struggle - I was one of them.

This sounds like such a tough situation. I’m sorry.

She’ll likely find her wings at university. She’ll meet different people and develop new interests, she’ll find her tribe. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up moving in with friends in her 2nd year. Sometimes it just takes people a little while to find their feet.

It does sound like you need some boundaries around your bedroom and your need for some downtime.

I think that there are broader concerns around young people and loneliness these days. In an ideal world you'd be able to do some gentle pushing and she'd find some good avenues to connect with her peers in the local area but there seems to be less and less things like this.

Did you set up home in a place where the majority language is not your daughter's first language?

Your DD sounds very isolated and unhappy. I don't think you're going to help her by pushing her away, as difficult as it is to be in your position. Is she suffering from anxiety or depression? Has she experienced any major moves of location or trauma? Why does her best friend get to go away when this isn't an option for her?

This was exactly my thought. You both sound like there is possibly some ND but at different stages in life.
I feel for her because she must desperately crave love and affection that she isn’t successfully building in external relationships but you are now rejecting her too.

people are confused about your location because of the reference to speaking the native language / being the only English speaker

I’m wondering this too. If she can’t speak the language, it’s pretty normal to expect her to lean on her family who can. You need to be realistic OP, you can’t take a kid to a different country with a new language and expect them to hop along, that’s really unfair of you.

You sound oddly detached to me OP. Like you see your child has purely an obligation rather than a gift. Having your daughter be your friend is a blessing and I’m not sure why you’re turning away from it. Was your mother cold and detached too?

It sounds like she wants support but you’ve decided as she’s over 18, that’s no longer your role. A kid is for life I’m afraid.

Are you an insular person? You mention lacking friendships yourself. Is there neurodivergence in the family?

Just to Mythbust .. plenty of Autistic people are fine socially, especially girls who have learned from a young age how to mask … it’s one of the reason girls are women are under-diagnosed.

Not saying your DD is, but don’t base judgment on a myth

You haven't answered any of the language barrier questions.

If you live in a different country, why is it a negative for your dd that not many people speak english at her new job?

Did you move her to a country where she can't speak the native language and just expect her to get on with it?

Encourage her to get a job while studying. If she’s not also coping with an adjustment to a new town and home she’ll have more than enough time, and shit PT student jobs are a great place to meet friends at that age.

Who else lives in your house? Is it just you and her? I would suggest being out more often/less physically available to her. When she messages you during your work hours do not immediately reply. Do you have a bedroom you can put a TV in and make into a bit of a cave for yourself? Go to bed early, give yourself alone time.