AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

You can consider it your job. It's a bit much to consider it other people's job that you don't know.

What a horrible thing for your mum & sister to do! They sound deeply unpleasant. I hope your stepdaughter hasn't seen/doesn't see their edited photos.. they have been incredibly insensitive and very hurtful.
I'd be fuming-and I'd make sure they knew why.

That's really spiteful! I would be having words.

I didn't necessarily mean equal in OP's mum's affections (although given that this girl's been a feature in OP's life for 11 years you'd hope her mother had some affection for her), I meant equal as a human being.

When you refer to 'some people' do you mean the 92% of us who agree with OP that this was a mean thing to do? Because personally I really don't think we're the strange ones.

And of course it would be hurtful to OP's stepdaughter if she were to find out about this, it's been posted online ffs. If you wouldn't care about being edited out of a photo, that's your prerogative although very weird imo. It doesn't mean you get to dictate how other people should feel.

She isn’t equal to her grandchildren, any more than, presumably, your Mil is equal to your own mother. Not treating someone as something they are not is not some denial of human rights.

OP’s mother wanted a photo of her grandchildren. That’s it. This kid isn’t one.

FFS. I've just literally spelt out that I don't mean equal in someone's affections, I mean equal as a human being. (And in that light, yes of course my MIL is just as important as my own mum because they are both human beings.) You seem really determined not to see anyone's perspective in this but your own, has this thread touched a nerve or something?

And please stop putting words in my mouth. I said precisely nothing about any 'denial of human rights'. 🙄

How is she not being treated as an ‘equal human being’, then? Because she wasn’t included in a photo of grandchildren when she isn’t one?

I repeated myself because how she is viewed when compared to the actual grandchildren is the entire point when it comes to the grandmother specifically wanting a photo of her grandchildren.

She took a photo with someone else in it. If she wanted a photo of only her grandchildren there was presumably nothing stopping her from taking one, although personally I think all this 'blood relatives only' crap is really mean-spirited as I said upthread.

And if you can't see why editing a person out of a photo isn't treating them as an equal human being then I think that says a lot about you, quite frankly.

Would you actually have felt better if your mum had posed for some pictures with all the children, then taken some without your stepdaughter? I can understand why you feel it is hurtful.

If she’d have asked the kid to move out the way so she could take the photo that would likely have been a problem too.

You can think whatever you like about what it says about me. That’s isn’t neither my business nor my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

As far as ‘blood relatives crap’ goes - yes, blood connections have always been considered important, throughout time and across all cultures. It isn’t new, and the idea that it’s somehow shocking is frankly laughable. Whether you personally place importance on blood connections, or approve of the importance other people place on them, is irrelevant. You don’t have to like it.

The other thing that occurs to me is that - outside of adoption,- there’s a tiny number of situations in which it wouldn’t be viewed as really pretty awful to refer to someone else’s child as your own, or for that child to call you “mummy” or “mum”. And that’s generally where there’s been the tragic death of a mother a very young child who doesn’t remember her. Even in stepfamilies with the very best relationships, stepDC would usually call a stepmother by her first name. I’ve seen real venom on here at times for people who have used the terms “BM or biomum”. “She’s his MUM” is the usual retort. So why would you expect a grandparent to do the reverse and essentially pretend that there is a biological link to a child when there isn’t? It doesn’t mean relationships can’t be really good and caring. Presumably everyone involved knows who is whose relative - and it’s the actual relationships that matter..

In this case, I bet one of two things happened. Either Granny thought at the time that she’d like a photo just of her grandchildren but didn’t want to hurt the stepdaughter’s feelings (because she cares about her feelings), or it didn’t occur to her at the time at all and when she got home she thought “oh - wish I’d taken that photo” and her DD helped her to achieve it. There probably weren’t any sinister machinations behind it at all.

Beautifully said

I would be upset too as the children should have been treated the same. But reading your post I just realised that I posted a photo of my grandchildren recently, 3 are biological and 2 are ‘step grandchildren’. I don’t differentiate between them and hadn’t thought about it.

You sound wonderful @5128gap

what a horrible thing for them to do.

I would comment on the photo on social media saying “omg why have you edited little Sally out of this photo?” With a sad face emoji.

@Embod9947
That's Horrible
Face to face I'd ask why they did that and
Wait for the reply ...........

Thank you that's really nice of you. But the gain is mine. I'm very fortunate that my children have brought their children into my life and that I get to be surrounded by them. They choose who their children are, not me.

I’d have to say something. I think a message to my mum: hi mum, I’m shocked and very hurt you’ve edited a child out of the family photo, that child is one of ours and if she’s not family then I don’t feel much like being family either.

and I would not be seeing her this weekend. It’s ok to need some time

This is the real concern. Your family may not feel they have permission to post social media images of your SD. I don’t think it was done with malice but rather consideration. How was their behaviour towards her on holiday and how is she generally treated by these family members.

You’re right, I don’t (and fwiw I don’t feel it should matter whether someone is ‘blood’ or not, I feel society should have moved past all that by now.) But your opinion on blood connections does leave me wondering if you consider adopted children, as well as stepchildren, as being somehow ‘less than’ within a family unit.

Not relevant!

You can't thoughtlessly delete someone from a photo. It's very much a deliberate act.
And in this case downright nasty. The poor girl.

Of course it is!

I’d be having a word. I personally don’t think that’s acceptable.