AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

Aww this is lovely. What an amazing perspective.

Reasonable in that if your mum wanted a photo with only the biological kids, she should have taken one rather than edit SD out.

I think the opposite - your mum wanted a photo of her grandchildren, but thought it looked unkind to ask DSD to step out? Your mum may not see DSD as her grandchild - she isn’t. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t like her/isn’t really fond of her/wants to exclude her.

What miserable small lives some people lead. So willing to put up walls and exclude children. The good thing is there are lots of posters telling of love and acceptance.
To be honest OP perhaps you should feel sorry for your DM with her rules about blood and love. You are the one with children who love you and you love them. Pity not anger might be the way forward.

Wow! Is it because she hadn't got the other parent's permission? Even so, they could've picked a different picture? My brother has 2 step kids who've been in our lives for 12 years and they get treated and included exactly the same as his younger biological son

Well you got the “thoughtless” part correct.

I’ll choice my heart over someone else everytime.

My children and their children.

Anyone else can be kept polite and loved from afar.

Life has hurt me enough.

Reasonable in that if your mum wanted a photo with only the biological kids, she should have taken one rather than edit SD out.

I'm not convinced that OP would prefer this option tbh. Are you married and are you raising her / does she live with you? There's a difference between a partners child, and a step child no matter how long the relationship is.

It's a horrible thing to do. I've never understood the idea that biological relationships are superior to others. Fortunately, my family members are not so closed-minded, as the extended family includes stepchildren and children who were adopted, as well as biological children.

I often think about people with these ideas of "blood trumps all" when I read about the many, many situations (made much more common with the advent of DNA testing) when individuals find out that the man they called Dad was actually not their biological father after all. Does that mean that the parent/child relationship was inferior to a biological connection? Of course not.

You are totally right to be hurt. My mother died when I was a baby and my father remarried when I was 4. My stepmother was not a great mother - but no worse to me than to my two half siblings (and step and half were just not used in our family). My stepmother's parents and wider family fully accepted me - in fact my brother and sister were always quite jealous that I was quite obv Grandad's favourite, because I had built a relationship with him before he became ill and grumpy.

My father was a widower with a 3 year-old daughter when he met my mother and they married 6 months later. Both his parents were already dead, as were his siblings, so my half-sister had no blood relatives other than her father. My mother's parents took this motherless child, no blood relative of theirs, to their hearts and never once treated her differently from the four sisters who joined her over the years. To them she was as much their granddaughter as their daughter's children and she in return loved them dearly for the rest of their lives. I can't get my head round the idea that you would edit a child out of a photo when she has been part of your own daughter's family life for so long.

That’s such a mean-spirited view.

Or choice doesn’t come into it. You can’t force love, a particular type of love, or the strength of a love, into existence.

To your mum, your boyfriend's daughter isn't her grandchild. She's her daughter's boyfriend's child.

In the same way that marriage means nothing to you, your boyfriend's daughter doesn't count as her grandchild (I was about to type "means nothing to her" instead of "doesn't count as her grandchild "but that sounds unlikely to be true). Doesn't mean she doesn't like her; doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy her company or want to go on holiday with her; doesn't mean she doesn't understand what she means to you.

She's quite clear how she defines her family. It also happens to be factually true. If you have a problem with how she defines her family, you should take it up with her. Perhaps she think this relationship will break up too, in which case she wouldn't see this child again. Not exactly a grandchild-grandmother relationship, is it.

You can’t force it - clearly you can’t as there are posters on here who choose not to love.
I would expect - hope - someone I love would care for other people I love - that’s the very nature of family. A big messy group of people who love each other.
What I find deeply sad is all the people who look at a child and weigh up their worth - is it worth loving them?

I think it would be more understanding to ask at the time with lots of photos being taken, to have one with just the biological grandchildren but to edit a photo to remove her, without speaking to you first is really not nice. Although i can see that someone may think the opposite that the child may be more upset to be excluded on the day.

QEII was not bollocked when she released a photo of herself, Charles, William and George - I don't remember Charlotte and Louis howling and saying they felt excluded.

Totally different situation . That picture was an historic one, showing the direct line of succession (and she didn't edit Charlotte and Louis out)

That is so hurtful. I'd be furious.

I hope your SD doesn't find out.

Even if it was them trying to respect consent etc, you just don't post the picture! You don't edit a child out.

I'd be absolutely furious. Your SD has been in your life since she was 4, how utterly heartbreaking. All the step children in our family are counted as blood and would never/have never been excluded. I hope she never finds out.
I'd contact and tell them both exactly how awful it is and they either need to put SD back into it or to remove all your children from it because you're a family unit and they aren't including some of your children without the other!

My dad's mother (father took off when he was born) died when he was only 7 and he got adopted by a couple who didn't have any children. He was their only child, yet when they died everything went to cousins. My father was so heartbroken because this was just the proof of how they saw him; not family even though he called them mum and dad.
@Embod9947 Are you sure your mum isn't worried about consent in regards to posting DSD's photo online? Ask so you're not angry about nothing..

Perhaps people should stop expecting others to think and feel to order, because that tends to make life more difficult.

You cannot force love if it isn’t there. Or force the strength of it if it is. Perhaps OP’s mother does love the stepchild, but not as her grandchild. Or perhaps she doesn’t love her, but she’s chosen to play the role in order to make OP happy. All she wanted was one photo of just her grandchildren. Big deal.

That rather depends on the relationship doesn’t it? It isn’t rare for step children to remain in touch with step parents after divorce. Also, an estimated 9% of children are returned to the care system after adoption. 38% of adoptive parents are reported to consider returning a child at one point or a mother, so adoption isn’t as permanent as you might think.

What do legal rights and responsibilities have to do with a photograph?

Exactly. My DD's MIL did everything 'right' and loved her step granddaughter (her other son's SD) dearly, treating her exactly the same as her natural grandchildren, for years. Then, overnight, her much loved SGD disappeared, among with her son's partner, never to be seen again. She was broken hearted.

My granddaughter is still really confused, because she used to have a cousin who she loved playing with, and who's no longer there.

The logic about non-blood relationships disappearing if a relationship breaks; perhaps that should apply to spouses too. Photoshop them from photos. Or not waste time, and elbow them out during the shoot.

When I separated from my Exh, and ultimately divorced, I have never heard from any of his family. This is following a 25 year connection and two children. Another sobering dose of reality.

From experience, no it doesn’t, unless you want it to. You choose. Be like them or….be better.

No it’s not. If you love the child and want her to feel welcomed and loved then you welcome and love them. Or you can put up barriers and hide behind them.