AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

Oh please. As if asking the stepchild to move out of the photo line up so the grandmother could have taken the photo she wanted in the first place, would have been taken well either.

I don’t think anyone is disputing that someone may perceive it as being hurtful (equally, others wouldn’t care, or expect/want to be in the photo in the first place). We’re disputing 1, that the stepchild being hurt automatically mean that the grandmother has done something wrong, and 2, that the stepchild’s feelings must be the most important consideration at all times that override anything else. Maybe you subscribe to both 1 and 2, but clearly not everyone shares that opinion. That doesn’t mean we don’t grasp it.

I doubt you’d need to, though, because IME most people just take photos of whoever is there at the time. I certainly do.

If I remember correctly the step child doesn’t even know. The ops just offended on her behalf on a photo she doesn’t even know exists.

Unless the step child suddenly decides to add granny on Facebook she will never know. But granny gets to have the photo.

Same with all the other photos. You display the appropriate one on the mantel but it doesn’t mean you don’t have the other version.

Can’t say however that I go and inspect peoples mantels to see which family members are included or are not.

Honestly, I find this bizarre and not normal, not to mention cruel towards the child involved. How on earth is it 'polite' to include a child in a photo only to literally edit them out of it afterwards? Can you really not imagine how hurtful that could be to the child? Or do their feelings just not count because they are 'only' a stepchild?

And as for 'All sorts of photos get taken at family gatherings often including a just sibling one without partners which let’s face it is just incase a partner disappears and to only have your own adult children in it' - all I can say is I genuinely don't believe most people see it like this. What does it matter if someone who is in a photo later leaves? According to that logic there wouldn't be any point taking photos at all because people also die, you can't 'future proof' that. A photo is supposed to be a record of who was there at the time, not some perfect airbrushed version of reality.

Your agenda sounds like it's geared around protecting yourself from future hurt, which I can understand may feel necessary for you but I'm stunned that you can't seem to see how hurtful this could be for others.

Yes if I wanted a family only photo of say just my grandchild in the future and was too polite to take a photo with and without.

Why should I be unable to have that one photo because someone has a step child?

All sorts of photos get taken at family gatherings often including a just sibling one without partners which let’s face it is just incase a partner disappears and to only have your own adult children in it. Just like pictures of just the parents and their adult child with partner and without partner. Future proofing.

No idea why you would presume to know this about me? You couldn't be more wrong. Unlike some on here, I think "blood" is very little to do with love. I love my husband, he is not my blood. For me at least, love isn't finite or dependent on biology.
In addition, I do not think you need to "love" a child to not be an arsehole to them. That is nothing to do with love, it is basic human decency.

You’d most probably ‘love her more’ if she were your biological grandchild - that’s just human nature. I love my step grandchild, she is older than my grandchildren by several years. But I absolutely love my grandchildren more. It’s a bit like the relationship I have with my nephews and nieces - I love them dearly, but not in the same way as I love my own children.

It’s not spiteful at all 😂

But would you, yourself, literally edit a child out of a photo?

Imagine sitting down at the computer and deleting a child from a photo! Such crazy and heartless behaviour. I hate how so many people are getting into photo-editing, as if reality is too much for them to bear. YANBU.

It isn’t spiteful to just want a photo of her own grandkids. She removed her because she isn’t one, not because of any malicious feelings towards her. I doubt she was even thinking about her when she posted it, and instead just saw a photo she loved and wanted to share.

Op’s mother clearly makes an effort with her, is kind to her when she sees her, and probably thinks she’s a perfectly nice kid. That doesn’t mean she feels towards her how she does towards her grandchildren.

OP’s stepchild isn’t the main character of the family that all must focus on, always think about, and prioritize no matter what.

I can see both sides tbh!

Missing out 🤪

You are joking, right? I am missing out that my dc did not divorce, married people with children not related to them, and foisted their 'blended family' on me? I am missing out the messed-up dynamics? Truly the world has gone mad.

They don't believe in blended families either, they just pretend and play this 'look at me game, I am so wonderful game'. And then on MN we see posts 'My stepdaughter is eating too much soft fruit, it is so expensive!' and another one 'I don't want to pay for my stepdaughter's private school', and most women on MN are like 'she is not your problem, he is there to buy her soft fruit and pay her tuition fees' - unanimously!!!! But somehow they demand more of grandparents, who had fuck-all to do with creating this blended family.
Again, I am more than sure that shit of 'awwwh, all the same to me' will come apart when there is only one parachute available, or one safety raft place available, or indeed one kidney is available. Then everything will become crystal-clear.

P.S. Never once did I see a post on MN of this sort: 'I am paying my step-grandmother's carehome fees, because I loved her so much and she was so nice to me'. Naaa, only the other way around - 'my husband's mother made it clear she will not bequeath anything to my children I had had before I married her son'.

In other words, there is enormous pressure on grandparents to accommodate their step-grandchildren (again, this word does not even exist anywhere), yet bugger-all pressure on step-grandchildren to help their so-called step-grandparents in their hour of need.

I don’t believe in blended families due to it. I’d never give my children one.

If my children decided to have one I’d go for polite distance. I’d take the whole photo and I would also do a separate or have an edited version. I’d give token gifts and cards but I wouldn’t see them as mine 🤷🏻‍♀️ just as dh’s nephews and nieces are his not mine.

Happened at my wedding with a very visible partner of a family member who is in prime position and now long gone. Lessons learnt on the edges easily removable.

What a shame for you, you’re missing out. My Step GD is an utter delight, couldn’t love her more.

Yes. That is shameful.

I have biological gc. I don't know what 'adopted' gc are or what 'step-gc' are.

It's a very spiteful thing to do and the fact you and others like you can't see that is very sad.

Why would she discuss it with you? She wanted a picture of her with her grandchildren - your partners DD is not her grandchild. This is not the big deal you’re making it out to be.

So she posted the photo of her and her grandchildren? But why be upset at that? Your DSD isn’t her grandchild. I have a step grandchild, I’ve known her for 12 years, since toddler, she calls me by my name, she doesn’t consider me to be a grandparent. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but it really isn’t the same as the way I feel about the children MY children gave birth to.
I have photos of just my DGC, of them with her, of me with my DC, of me with everyone.
YAB very U.

If she was concerned about getting permission from SDs mum surely easy enough to ask. Seems very cruel to me as such a photo makes a strong statement. A discussion needed urgently on this one. I can't understand why she would do this so get her view and express yours before your SD gets hurt - again.

Is this a joke? If it's true, why visit the same cruelty on a defenceless child?

I remember your previous threads, have your husbands family started treating your DD better now and including her?