AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

You sound wonderful @5128gap

I would be upset too as the children should have been treated the same. But reading your post I just realised that I posted a photo of my grandchildren recently, 3 are biological and 2 are ‘step grandchildren’. I don’t differentiate between them and hadn’t thought about it.

Beautifully said

The other thing that occurs to me is that - outside of adoption,- there’s a tiny number of situations in which it wouldn’t be viewed as really pretty awful to refer to someone else’s child as your own, or for that child to call you “mummy” or “mum”. And that’s generally where there’s been the tragic death of a mother a very young child who doesn’t remember her. Even in stepfamilies with the very best relationships, stepDC would usually call a stepmother by her first name. I’ve seen real venom on here at times for people who have used the terms “BM or biomum”. “She’s his MUM” is the usual retort. So why would you expect a grandparent to do the reverse and essentially pretend that there is a biological link to a child when there isn’t? It doesn’t mean relationships can’t be really good and caring. Presumably everyone involved knows who is whose relative - and it’s the actual relationships that matter..

In this case, I bet one of two things happened. Either Granny thought at the time that she’d like a photo just of her grandchildren but didn’t want to hurt the stepdaughter’s feelings (because she cares about her feelings), or it didn’t occur to her at the time at all and when she got home she thought “oh - wish I’d taken that photo” and her DD helped her to achieve it. There probably weren’t any sinister machinations behind it at all.

If she’d have asked the kid to move out the way so she could take the photo that would likely have been a problem too.

You can think whatever you like about what it says about me. That’s isn’t neither my business nor my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

As far as ‘blood relatives crap’ goes - yes, blood connections have always been considered important, throughout time and across all cultures. It isn’t new, and the idea that it’s somehow shocking is frankly laughable. Whether you personally place importance on blood connections, or approve of the importance other people place on them, is irrelevant. You don’t have to like it.

Would you actually have felt better if your mum had posed for some pictures with all the children, then taken some without your stepdaughter? I can understand why you feel it is hurtful.

She took a photo with someone else in it. If she wanted a photo of only her grandchildren there was presumably nothing stopping her from taking one, although personally I think all this 'blood relatives only' crap is really mean-spirited as I said upthread.

And if you can't see why editing a person out of a photo isn't treating them as an equal human being then I think that says a lot about you, quite frankly.

How is she not being treated as an ‘equal human being’, then? Because she wasn’t included in a photo of grandchildren when she isn’t one?

I repeated myself because how she is viewed when compared to the actual grandchildren is the entire point when it comes to the grandmother specifically wanting a photo of her grandchildren.

FFS. I've just literally spelt out that I don't mean equal in someone's affections, I mean equal as a human being. (And in that light, yes of course my MIL is just as important as my own mum because they are both human beings.) You seem really determined not to see anyone's perspective in this but your own, has this thread touched a nerve or something?

And please stop putting words in my mouth. I said precisely nothing about any 'denial of human rights'. 🙄

She isn’t equal to her grandchildren, any more than, presumably, your Mil is equal to your own mother. Not treating someone as something they are not is not some denial of human rights.

OP’s mother wanted a photo of her grandchildren. That’s it. This kid isn’t one.

When you refer to 'some people' do you mean the 92% of us who agree with OP that this was a mean thing to do? Because personally I really don't think we're the strange ones.

And of course it would be hurtful to OP's stepdaughter if she were to find out about this, it's been posted online ffs. If you wouldn't care about being edited out of a photo, that's your prerogative although very weird imo. It doesn't mean you get to dictate how other people should feel.

I didn't necessarily mean equal in OP's mum's affections (although given that this girl's been a feature in OP's life for 11 years you'd hope her mother had some affection for her), I meant equal as a human being.

That's really spiteful! I would be having words.

What a horrible thing for your mum & sister to do! They sound deeply unpleasant. I hope your stepdaughter hasn't seen/doesn't see their edited photos.. they have been incredibly insensitive and very hurtful.
I'd be fuming-and I'd make sure they knew why.

You can consider it your job. It's a bit much to consider it other people's job that you don't know.

THIS.

Get a bloody grip! How could it be hurtful to post a photo solely with your grandchildren? Surely a stepchild knows they are a stepchild, who their parents are, their step parents, their grandparents and parents of the stepparent? Technically, I’m a stepchild in that my mother remarried. It wouldn’t have hurt me in any way to not be in a photo with my stepfather and his children, and I would not have bothered anyway if he had edited me out of such a photo. Some people are so strange!

Good for you. It’s also ‘basic human decency’ to want a photo of your actual grandchildren.

If it was just one “my grandchildren” photo, and there were other photos of all the children, then it’s tricky. She isn’t her granddaughter , and has her own other set of grandparents, which all the children will know and perhaps feel jealous of ? It is unkind to actually edit her out though, rather than just having a photo taken at some point with her grandchildren separately.
I think it’s difficult with Grandparents, you can expect them to be kind and welcoming and affectionate, which is why the editing out is unkind, but you can’t expect them to love a child as though she is their actual grandchild. That might happen in some families, especially if the child is very young and lives with the grandparents’ son or daughter full time, but it’s pretty common for it not to happen.
So I think you can expect a child not to be left out, to be given a Christmas present etc, and the actual editing falls into that I feel. You can’t expect your Mum to love your partner’s daughter as much as you do, or as much as her own Grandchildren.
I would say that the editing seemed mean, and it would have been better if she’d had a grandchildren photo done another time, perhaps when your step daughter is with her own grandmother.

Of course she isn’t equal to the actual grandchildren.

Why would she be retained, when OP’s mother wanted a photo of only her grandchildren? OP’s desire to have her in the photo, or the stepdaughter’s desire to be in it, is not more important than the grandmother’s wish to have a photo of her grandchildren.

That’s horrible! I’d definitely say something. How awful and hurtful for your step daughter.

Isn't equal??? I have no words.

And to suggest I think the stepchild should be 'front and centre in everything' because I disagree with editing her out is plain ridiculous. I simply believe her presence in the photo should be retained, just like everyone else's was. Honestly, some of the replies on this thread are really making me feel society's taken a very nasty, 'me and mine, and everyone else can fuck off' turn recently.

She's not a grandchild. Everyone was nice to her. Not sure what you think barking orders at your mum would achieve - do you imagine you can force her to comply with your demands and change her feelings to suit you? I have news for you, that doesn't happen.

And if you're not planning to try to coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to do, no point in fixating on something so unimportant.

You sound weird and controlling and issuing edicts won't work, so just move on.

And leave your poor mother alone, she can post what she likes on her own social media.

But she isn’t equal. She’s not a grandchild, and OP’s mother wanted a photo of her grandchildren. How the stepchild would or wouldn’t feel about it didn’t come into it, and likely wasn’t thought about at all. Why would it be, unless you are expecting her to be front and centre in everything?

It was a grandmother wanting a photo of her grandkids. It wasn’t some malicious act against the stepkid.

Not the ‘most important’ consideration. Just equal, instead of treating the poor kid as less than.